Ready To Quit? Spouse Getting You Down?
The reason behind these posts? She was feeling pressure from her hubby to "go get a real job".
I was about to post a long-winded comment on her post, but decided to blog about it here.
Why?
Been there. Done that.
Before I get started, I want to say this.... I am sure Carrie's husband is awesome. MY husband is awesome as well. This is NOT a hubby bashing post by any means.
Nothing judgmental here at all.
What I want to talk about is this -
When we start on this journey of, "Hey honey, I'm gonna make money online!", it is quite an adventure and very well might not be met with real enthusiasm by our spouses/significant others/family/friends, etc.
While being in WA can make us feel as if "Everyone is doing it", most of us will quickly realize that in our circles, we are probably the only one we really know that is involved with internet marketing.
In turn, that means that we are each the only one our spouse/family/friends know that is trying to make money online.
We are unique.....but the unfamiliar is NOT a comfortable place - especially for the spouses.
For those that might be familiar already with my story, I apologize for repeating it.... but my story starts like this.
My awesome hubby comes home from work on February 18, 2007. He walks into the spare bedroom/office and sees me sitting there staring at a totally white computer screen.
Hubby says: Hey baby, whatcha doin?
I say: Making a website
Hubby says: Uh, do you know HOW to make a website?
I say: Nope. No clue.
Hubby says: WHY are you making a website?
I say: Because I am going to make money online.
(I answered as calmly as I would say "We are having chicken for dinner"...lol).
He pretty much said, "oh, ok." and left the room...and by about 3am I had managed to get ONE web page online for my new "site" (this was before Wordpress...making a site was a pretty big deal - especially for a newbie who had absolutely ZERO clue what she was doing).
Now, lets flash forward a few months to about April. I'm still plugging away at this make money online stuff. If my eyes were open, I was working. 12-15 hour days (or more) were totally normal for me.
I had made SOME money here and there, but nothing to get excited about....and nothing that actually paid a bill or two.
My dear sweet hubby started to feel the pressure or being totally responsible for all money coming in....and I started to feel the pressure to MAKE MONEY as well.
I also felt something else.... GUILT.
It ate me up feeling as if I wasn't pulling my weight and helping as I could be if I had a "real job".....but I was SO CLOSE to it all coming together for me. I could feel it - I was getting somewhere if I could just find a way to have enough time to make it happen.
But the guilt was stronger at times than my determination was...and it was hard - really, really, hard.
Late April/early May of that same year (2007) I decided that from that moment on, I would do anything I could online to bring money in NOW.
Write articles for others? You bet I did it...and I wrote as many as humanly possible.
Not too long later, I took an offer to be a paid intern for 2 guys who did online stuff (they were online poker affiliates - tough market there, I learned a lot from them and owe them a ton).
Between writing/selling articles and working 5-6 hours a day as their intern, I managed to bring enough money NOW to get us through that time.
It took another 8-9 months before things really DID come together for me, and thankfully, it all came together to where I could stop doing online work for others AND my stuff...and only do MY stuff.
It was a GREAT day when I realized, "Ok, This is it!". Just awesome.
Ok- enough of my story. We all have one...and we all have (or soon WILL have) our own success story as well.
What I'd like to share is things I learned when it came to that time with my hubby, family, and friends.
I guess I could have titled this:
PotPieGirl's Relationship Tips for the Aspiring Internet Marketer =)
#1 - I don't know if you picked up on it or not, but I mentioned feeling a lot fo GUILT. Guilt is a nasty, nasty emotion, isn't it?
Especially for women/wives/moms (sorry guys, we women win the Guilt Award...lol)
I was a wife, a mom.... I was not supposed to be letting my family down like that.
Tip #1 - You are NOT letting your family down!
You are doing something amazing FOR your family... and amazing things take time - and sacrifice during that time.
#2 - If your spouse is now solely in charge of money coming into your household, they are going to feel pressure - period.
They are humans too... and bless their hearts, men aren't always the best at clearly identifying AND verbalizing what they're feeling.
They might feel pressure...perhaps a bit scared - but it might come out as anger, judgement, and/or blame towards you. (which, in turn, makes us feel anger and even MORE guilt...ugh!)
Tip #2 - Be real with each other! If your spouse is having a "moment" where he needs to blow off some steam - let it be just that... NOT World War 3.
"Everyone" is NOT doing what you and your spouse are doing. Your spouse probably doesn't have anyone in his world who is telling him that it's all gonna be ok, either. Worse yet, most family/friends will think he is RIGHT because they don't understand all this IM stuff either.
This is a great time to brush up on your "put yourself in each other's shoes" skills.
#3. This might sound crazy, but jealousy can come into play here.
Think about it for a moment - What if your SPOUSE suddenly spent 12-15 hours a day on the computer and YOU didn't understand what he was doing?
No, THINK about it for a moment... really think about it.
Plus, he's all excited about whatever it is he's doing - and would rather do that than do anything with YOU.
Yup, not a good feeling, is it? Actually, it's kind of nerve-wrecking.
Tip #3 - Keep Talking!
I think the best thing I did...that WE did...was to keep talking about what I was doing. I would make a POINT to stop when he came home, talk about things I did or learned that day...and....
Ask HIM about HIS day (and listen/talk about it).I'm gonna be honest, there were plenty of days I would ramble on about My Day and I wouldn't believe for a second that he heard a single word I said - and yes, it frustrated me - but I kept doing it anyway.
(for the record, turns out he DID listen to all my endless rambling. He knows more about internet marketing, Google, affiliate stuff, etc than many people I know who actually DO all this - and he's never DONE any of it).
Keep talking.
NOT talking about it just allows that "elephant in the room" to get fatter and fatter - and that's a very bad thing.
#4 Lack of money to pay the bills with ONE person feeling as if all the responsibility to bring money in is on them is also a BAD thing.
Tip #4 - Get money coming in NOW!
Get creative and do whatever you can to bring money in from internet marketing/your computer as soon as possible. This gives your spouse the reassurance that you aren't just "goofing off on the computer" and are really able to get money coming in AND build your business at the same time.
It also helps with the guilt. Actually, it helps with the guilt a LOT.
#5 Keep your chin up and build your backbone!
This was a tough one for me. Thankfully, I was blessed with a very supportive husband who claims he never ever had any doubt I could do this (tho I had enough doubt for both of us..lol) -
but friends/family were not the same.
Over-all opinion from friends/family?
"Oh that's a scam... it'll never work!"
Hear that once, and you're fine... hear it over and over again, and well, it becomes a problem - especially if YOU are having doubts as well.
Tip #5 - Get it clear in YOUR mind what you are doing...that it's NOT a scam. Keep your chin up...and be PROUD of yourself and what you are doing!
YOU are amazing! And no one, NO ONE has the right to poo-poo on your dreams and goals.
YOU do not sit around complaining about the state of things, you are DOING something about it!
And that makes you my HERO! (and that goes right to you, Carrie! You got this!)
All the best,
Jennifer
~PotPieGirl
Recent Comments
54
Hi Jennifer,
Very interesting post. It doesn't specifically apply to me since I am not married yet, but I will son be :)
I just want to let you know that you are one of my 'inspirers' in the world of online business and I actually just upgraded to WA Premium today (via the link on your blog) and I think you are really great :)
I purchased your OWM package some weeks back and joining WA is the next step for me to take my online business to the next level.
I can see already that the community and support here is as superb as it has always been reported!!
It's nice to be in here.
So, I'm not alone in these feelings! I can relate to everything you wrote Jennifer.
My situtaion is the reverse of the one you describe though. That is, I'm the one at home trying to make a go of this IM thing while my wife is the 'bread winner' and out there working 8 hours a day plus travelling to and from work.
Do I feel guilty? I certainly do. That can be almost paralysing in itself. There is a tendancy to stop doing IM just because I sometimes feel, and am often told, I should be doing something more worthwhile and to get out there and earn more money.
Does it cause friction? Once again, yes, it certainly does. I do know how I'd feel if things were the other way around. My better-half must have the patience of a saint!
Am I going to keep trying? Yes, again. I do really need this to work. Getting a job, even a fairly menial one, and knowing the work situation here in the UK and at my age, is just about zero. And the thought of that train journey into London each day sends a shiver down my spine.
Thanks for a great article Jennifer. I don't feel quite so lonely, or guilty, now!
Dave
WA is a really wonderful place. It is the aspiring IM'er's support system. None of my own supports come from anywhere else than here.
Almost two years ago I was in Ohio at the home of a friend who took me in to give me a chance to pull things together. I really botched that up by spending too much time in areas that have no viability. It's all part of learning how to do all this properly.
To my friend's neighbors, how could I lower myself to such as "living off" someone who has a very limited income and is disabled. In a year's time, it got so bad I had to leave to avoid violence...all because I spent all that time screwing around on the computer. That time, though not used the best it could be, did help me build experience in IM. I had to learn hard lessons on what works and what doesn't.
I am pretty much like you. I have my age and really poor work history. In the employment world, that is a big fat zero. Don't let my avatar fool you. I'm much older than when that was taken.
What I'm doing defies popular ethics. I am 100% for anyone who takes up the courage to keep learning in the wake of naysaying and feeling of guilt they run into.
Oh Dave, you are FAR from alone - but what you said is a big part of why I wrote this. There is more to all this than learning the technical skills. For many of us, this is a big LIFESTYLE change that affects our entire household.
It's important to keep it all balanced as we plow thru to success.
Oh yes, Daniel.. we HAVE to believe in ourselves and what we are doing. This is a time when we have to be our own #1 fan and for many of us, that's really hard to do.
Thanks for sharing!
Sure helps when you have support for the politically incorrect endeavour of Internet marketing when I'm "supposed" to be finding and holding down a full-time job.
In the time period it has taken so far to learn, my family has written me off as a bum, and trying to create a website for my landlord was an exciting thing for him at first. Albeit I never had the education to put a campaign together right off. It is only recent times (since EOP) that things have really been making sense to me. I have since learned that the niche the website I have been trying to build is not a good one. My landlord doesn't know that, nor would he hear it. So, I'm the goof.
My learning has become his frustration. Today, the close friendship we had is completely gone. I was told yesterday that he has totally given up on me and I'm hanging here by a thread. One bad month and short on rent by this time, and there is no more willingness to work with me on this.
I've spent so much time educating myself but not quite proficient with everything yet, to my former school teacher landlord, I have been stubborn to putting my time into this and not working for someone else.
He and a number of other folks around my area think the same...
My work here, to them, is must imprudent. I have been just making enough from a temporary job to make my rent. That was taken away from me. My landlord doesn't yet know about it.
As for me, I'm scrambling as hard as I can to get content out there. It's a race against time now. I lose my living here as it is, lacking as it is, I will lose my Internet connection and all these opportunities.
Some have noticed that the rate my content is coming out has grown. Albeit, the family whose property I'm living on looks at my camper, knowing I'm inside "goofing off" on the computer all day. We all know what that looks like don't we?
Trying to learn how to make a living online is as aesthetically and ethically uncouth as being glued to a video game controller when it is thought I should be out pounding the pavement for a full-time job.
So far, I've made my rent, but have been behind. I'm thought of as taking advantage of people's good will here by not looking for a job and "sponging" off them for my basic life's needs.
Talk about the guilt trip. I have to believe in myself...or I would be just another quitter in the going trend.
Amazing post! :) Luckily i have a wonderful wife, she support me 100%.
My bad mistake was when i tell to my friends what i`m trying to do.
Thanks, Paci! You also made me laugh when you said your biggest mistake was telling friends. I can't tell you how many times I've said "what I do" out loud only to quickly regret it....lol!
Husbands = EVIL DOERS! But in all seriousness, this is a wonderful post Jennifer. It is only natural for people to doubt. Strangely enough I think that when we are starting out that people naturally want us to fail (simply because it is not them trying this "new thing" out). It doesn't make them bad people, I think it is just an internal weird reaction to watching others "take action" on the unknown.
Not only that, people have been taken for in the online world (most people at least once)t, I don't doubt why many people are initially skeptics and associate "the net" with scams, facebook, funny cat videos and adult content. I know that to this day most of my close friends don't really have a strong grasp what the Internet is and really what can be accomplished on the Internet. I think that is the reality of it for most people that don't understand the opportunity and understand that it really exists!
Getting that initial support is instrumental and you have offered some very good dating advice (is this the segue for a product launch lol). Having believers behind you, in particular when it is a relationship can make a big difference between mediocrity and you shooting beyond your own boundaries. It sometimes may take that little push or an adult discussion to really get the "support' aspect moving in the right direction, but hopefully for everyone with this issue it will happen!
I think many people are really going to relate to this post, if not all of us in one way or another...I know I do.
PS. Your husband is one cool dude...tell him I said hi!
Aw, Kyle - you men aren't THAT bad....lol!!!!
You're totally right tho - most people, when first presented with the concept of internet marketing, immediately think (and SAY) negative things that can bring us down.
Also, yes, watching others do some risky and take action is too much for some to take - so their instinct is to knock it down.
Support IS huge - and getting that support isn't always so easy as it was for me.
Lee says "hi" back...and he thinks you're a pretty cool dude as well!
Can't wait to hang out again!
I think we would be hard pressed to find anyone that has achieve any level of success that has not had naysayers alone the way (I know I had my fair share). It is inevitable and it does hurt more coming from those close to you, but you have to work through it like you have said.
One thing that really helped me growing up was the belief that anything was possible and my parents having that support...so this could also be a lesson for those folks out there who may be hard on their children and shooting down their aspirations. Anything is possible and having that backing can make the difference from it becoming reality or them falling into your version of reality.
I enjoyed reading your post.
Even though I'm not a woman with a husband, all the other stuff I could relate too a lot. I know when I tell some of my actual friends what I'm doing, they're either like I'm going to be rich someday or don't speak at all. The reason I started Internet Marketing was because I had a moment my freshman year and thought to myself, I want to do something that would allow me to excel in my own creativity, but make money at the same time online. The NOW factor wasn't really a concern for me since I kinda just don't really need it. I'm not really interested in working for others and would rather make my own plans for other people to work for me (online). I might throw out a blog post at http://www.thetechlabs.com/become-an-author/ because of my interest in technology, but you know.
I found all this through Wealthy Affiliate, which opened me up to great people like you Jennifer.
I kind of find it a little funny your husband knows so much yet doesn't want to take action. Maybe he feels he'd get in your way? or maybe it just doesn't interest him. Thanks for your words of wisdom.
Thank you! I sure wish I had started way back in college (but I don't believe the internet really even existed for 'common folk' back then - lol!)
I admire you're way of thinking and your plans to get there!
As for my hubby - I really think it comes down to the typing part. He simply can NOT imagine sitting and typing all day as he sees me do!
Great post...I always enjoy reading your posts!
This is unrelated but I used to be in the golf industry also. I met a friend the other night on a driving range because he said his girlfriend was crying because she couldn't hit the ball anymore. Basically, she was standing up during the golf swing.
Even though it has been years since I have given any lessons. I worked on cutting down on her sway, made her swing a little more compact, worked on swing plane, etc. After one golf lesson with me, she beat her boyfriend on two holes and had her lowest score for a round of golf. I guess I still got the talent...haha. Sometimes I do miss golf :).
Cheers,
Paul
I love it, Paul!!! I bet she had a blast as well - and that's really what golf is all about!
I miss it as well from time to time and still find myself tossing out some lessons here and there.
Thanks for stopping by - and keep it in the short grass!
Here is the strange thing I only posted one post and it keeps linking to someone other post with the same title mine was I Quit.... and the other one was I Quit!! I did not write the second one and I do not know why it kept saying it was my post. When I look up my blog posts the second one is not there.
Also thanks for all the kind words and advice I just hope the second poster gets credit for the post they created.
Well now, that is WEIRD, Carrie. Those computer gremlins are odd little buggers at times!
So, you did NOT write the second post (ie, you're still wanting to quit)?
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Very nice post Jennifer. The "spouse" aspect doesn't directly relate to me since I'm 19 and not married lol but the part about how friends/family sometimes don't understand what IM is all about and constantly:
1. Put it down!
2. Or tell us to get a real job that it wont work
3. Or tell us its a scam
Will directly relate to a lot of people because your absolutely right when you talk about how it becomes a problem for us if we are already doubting ourselves and that is most likely why people give up so it was a good thing to bring to peoples attention.
Sometimes posting a story about the troubles you have had is just what people need to put themselves back in the right mindset! So yeah great post loved it :)
Oh an all the best to Carrie...Might be a good idea to show your husband this post :)
Thanks, Chris! Guilt and Doubt and killers for many of us. It's a skill all on it's own to learn how to deal with it - and move forward THRU it.