Death of a conversation

Blog DEATH OF A CONVERSATION

Internal Interruptions

Who me? Interrupt the other person while they have the floor, ME? How utterly rude! We know it as soon as it happens. With a red face we might even say “Sorry I guess I just got carried away.” Then we hear our very annoyed friend saying “People who get carried away should get carried away!”

That describes an external interruption. We know when we do it because it’s verbal. We insist on doing it anyway. Maybe our friend is repeating himself after we have gotten the point. Maybe his longwinded babbling causes us to lose our patience.

An external interruption can sometimes be justified if we were to say “Can you tell me more so I can understand you better or “What I’m hearing you say is…. (If you want his feedback to checkout you are listening in the way he wants to be heard).

Internal interruptions are not apparent like the external. They are much more subtle. The tendency is to deny them because the person interrupting is most likely not even aware of them.

If at the end of a conversation my Mother Righteous says “You haven’t heard a thing I’ve said. It went right into one ear and out the other”. You reply, with indignation, “Iv'e heard everything you've said”. My dad, Father Logical ,says “You are not listening to me. You reply “I am too.” Your customer says “You just don’t get it.” You reply “Yes I do. You don’t understand me.” Harried, the wife says “You never listen to me!” You get stiff with denial and say “I am always listening to you, my dearest, O One Who Is to Be Obeyed.”

EXAMPLES OF WHAT IS GOING ON IN AN INTERNAL INTERRUPTION?

It could be any number of things. Here are some common examples. At some point the “listener” assumes what the speaker’s conclusion is going to be. She then starts composing her own response in her mind while waiting for the speakers to stop talking. She may even repeat it over and over afraid she might forget it unless the speaker hurries up and shuts up. The “listener" can easily get side tracked into preparing his rebuttal on a difference of opinion. The "listener" can get all caught up in emotional feelings and lose the real meaning intended by the speaker (Check out how often this happens in conversations about religion, politics, philosophical differences, and other emotionally impactful topics). The “listener” might get bored with whom he considers to be unqualified. There are many reasons why the “listener” is prompted to ignore the speaker and silently, internally, listens to a one sided monologue in his own mind.

OK – SO WHAT NOW?

Sometime he might get a clue that there is a problem in his conversations and that he plays a role in it.

Know the Difference Between Hearing and Listening.

There is a huge difference. All hearing means is being aware of sounds. We are bombarded with sounds constantly, even while conversing. There’s outdoor traffic, music, kids crying or fighting, and spoken words. It is the spoken word in conversation on which we need to focus or the words are merely noise.

Know that listening means getting the idea the word represents, regardless of all the other stuff we might be hearing, but not giving attention.

We have to process what we are hearing in order to listen word by word, sentence by sentence. It is only in this way that we can understand the meaning of what is being said.

We can only process one word at a time just as we can only have one idea at a time. Of course, the ideas occur within a second and we can't be conscious of our processing. It usually takes a sentence before getting the full meaning. Be home by 11:00, or you’re grounded.”

When we begin talking to ourselves in our own minds, we start listening to ourselves. We are processing our own words and ideas. We can’t be processing the speaker’s words at the same time. We have effectively interrupted the speaker with our own thoughts and have stopped listening to him.

WHAT’S THE DAMAGE? WHAT MESSAGES ARE WE GIVING?

There are consequences to this. Imagine this in the context of a discourse with a customer or someone with whom we are trying to build a relationship. If we think we understand what is intended for us to hear, but don’t, our response is not very likely to connect to what was said. The speaker will know that we have not been listening. Our response will be nonsensical or inappropriate. This is a very clear way to give him the message that what he is saying is not important to us. As a result,, how important as a person could he be to us? How important could his business be to us?

We need to pay close attention when we hear another person saying to us things such as:

“You are not listening to me.”

“You didn’t hear me.”

“You don’t really know what I mean”

“You don’t care about anything I say.”

“Is what I’m saying boring you?”

The speaker is expressing frustration, which can easily turn to anger. We should take these expressions seriously because they truly reflect the other person’s experience of us. If they are important to us, their words must to be important to us. Because we have listened well without interruptions, plenty of appropriate responses will come to mind when they have finished speaking.

HOW DO I FIX IT?

1.Acknowledge and accept that this is a universal listener dilemma,

2.Accept it as a poor habit to be overcome. While internal interruptions are going on, I won’t be aware of it at first. Self-determine to become aware of it as it is happening and immediately stop it by refocusing on what is being said by the speaker.

3.Do this until it becomes second nature.

For help with the how,refer to my blog: Changing Negatives to Positives – the section on Visual Imagery.

Urtimelyal

Thanks for reading and please comment on whether this was helpful to you. Feedback helps to determine future blog topics. –Al Hurley