The 5 Stages of Grief and Loss
In life we occasionally encounter maladies far beyond our control. Woes we simply cannot ever prepare for that make us question the core of our existence.
These are colossal life challenges that will lead us to the 5 Stages of Grief and Loss.
Many of us out there deal with such daunting physical and mental challenges every day, I cannot ever even begin to imagine how you wake up every morning and summon the courage to brave the light, while also trying to succeed in your own online business doing Wealthy Affiliate.
My dearest friends, I have the greatest respect and admiration for your amazing courage and unfaltering resilience. You are my supreme inspiration.
Yes, I have had my share of challenges too, perhaps not to the same extent as some of you have, but believe me I too have found myself down in the trenches, after climbing so high to the summit only to fall back into the deep abyss of life, arms flailing helplessly. Searching for divine providence.
So here it goes.
Mysterious Malady
I’d like to share with you the ongoing true story of how my band Kaju’s Off the Hook - NYC’s most exciting party band for hire - by way of my own mysterious hand disorder and malady is coming back from the brink of disaster by re-establishing old client reconnections through 5-Star reviews. And in the process, making many new connections.
However more about the reconnections and reviews will be detailed in a future post. First let me give you some background here.
Life happens. Conditions change and so do one’s predilections.
Over the past 14 years, Kaju’s Off the Hook was once a prime time in-demand party band for hire blessed having performed over 1100+ shows, including over 300 private events. That’s the good news.
Then My Life came Crashing down…..
For the majority of my life, I have always been considered by my peers as a brilliant guitar player, and have taken great pride in achieving a very high level of playing through over 10,000+ hours of practice, and once could play all styles of music i.e., rock, jazz, classical, fusion, rhythm & blues, funk, etc. with equal facility and proficiency, and having composed as a song writer over 130+ original songs on guitar and piano.
Then one day life came crashing down.
One morning in January 2010 I woke up and noticed I couldn’t play the strings the way I used to. Overnight, my left ring finger and pinky could no longer bend, and both fingers would “fly out” uncontrollably. WTF!
The 5 Stages of Grief and Loss: My Focal Hand Dystonia
That’s when during that first catastrophic month I experienced the 5 stages of grief and loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Well, actually the first two.
Over that first horrible month, my mysterious malady continued on a daily basis without any sight of improvement. Forget about even not playing the strings like I used to, I couldn’t even play the most basic open chords on guitar!
First I was in utter denial. Still being completely stunned, I walked around for one week in a fog and went about my business as if nothing was wrong.
By the second week, I woke up one morning and became totally enraged.
My anger toward the world sent me on an unrelenting dire quest to see as many different doctors and hand specialists as possible over the following 9 months (imagine being angry for 9 months!), all of whom performed a wide variety of x-rays and nerve tests. Surgery was ruled out, and none of the various tests ever yielded a conclusive diagnosis.
By July, I went to see a recommended acupuncturist for a total of 4 sessions. This didn’t help either.
By late 2010 after witnessing additional bizarre changes in my hand, I spent countless hours of exhaustive internet research and reading leading me on the path to find a most controversial specialist at Columbian-Presbyterian Hospital in New York City specializing in rare hand disorders. Desprate and looking for answers, I made the appointment.
Within 30 minutes upon my arrival and giving him my complete detailed history and symptoms, this controversial doctor offered his diagnosis to my malady.
That day on September 15, 2010 I was told I had a rare neurological disease called focal hand dystonia.
But I will save these additional focal dystonia details for another later blog post. Stay tuned.
Bargaining
For a short two-week period of time after my diagnosis, I went through the bargaining phase. I blamed myself for my own malady, citing my arduous practice sessions from late 2009 as the cause for my disease.
Practice in recent years had been sporadic and intermittent for me; when you have been playing for many years only minimum practice is necessary. So there were days I would hardly practice for months (other than performing with the band live) followed by short bursts of heavy 3 hour per day sessions.
Near the end of 2009, there was an unusual three month period I was practicing lots of complex guitar melodic patterns, scales, and riffs with the metronome. Soon I was working these practice exercises up to break neck speeds, playing in tandem with You Tube videos by speed demons i.e. Paul Gilbert, Joe Satriani, Paco De Lucia, etc.at times reaching 184 rpm’s on the metronome.
I began questioning and blaming myself with “What if this” or “What If that”. For instance “What if I didn’t subject myself to those rigorous speed practice sessions and exercises, could I have averted this horrible hand disorder?”
Depression
By the beginning of October 2010, my world was rocked and steadily collapsing inward around me.
I became severely depressed over my hand disorder. Compare this to an athlete or a writer. How would such an athlete runner or writer feel if he or she could no longer have the facility to run without a limp or the ability to see the written page?
However, I was lucky. Due to unique opportunities created, not everything was gloom and doom.
To cope with my depression, fortunately I became involved in several projects which became diversions. Several of these “diversions” you may have read about in my profile. The “Karaoke Battle USA” ABC-TV show in 2011, singing and playing guitar for the “Don’t Give Up Gospel Choir” from Japan to raise funds to support the tragic tsunami victims of March 11, 2011.and our performance at Gospel Fest at the Prudential Center directed by Danny Eason opening for legends Kirk Franklin and Donny McKlurkin.
As I’ve always cherished helping others especially the ones most in need, thus becoming involved contributing in several philanthropic activities for the Red Cross and Memorial-Sloan Kettering Cancer Center provided comfort and solace for me. And two radio interviews on WGBB with Lou Telano covering “Karaoke Battle USA” and the Japan choir provided a necessary distraction.
My depression eventually turned into apathy.
By 2012, Off the Hook had an old website hosted for several years on Network Solutions and I let it go. Whatever prior interest I maintained with band marketing and promotion slowly waned.
However, my overreaching passion for live music performance never died. That’s the only reason why the band continued playing regularly despite my hand disorder, at least on our regular monthly club date. And the same passion which still gives me the motivation and perseverance to drive forward.
By this time the group took a long hiatus from performing special private events save a few.
Acceptance
Still I continued to trudge forward and continued playing every gig with only “2 to 3 fingers.” This became extremely frustrating for me, as being always a strictly-trained guitarist who played one finger per fret “by the book”, I was at first very resistant to accepting my new found condition or to changing my playing to unconventional fingerings.
Eventually, in order to get through every performance I had to change the left-hand fingerings on practically all the songs we performed to overcompensate for my new limited status as a guitar player. Slowly I began to make adjustments.
Gigs started to get better and slowly were becoming fun again. In 2016, Kaju’s Off the Hook performed our annual Waldorf Astoria private black tie event for Young Audiences on the third week of November.
Then on December 9, we performed a phenomenal show at Capitale NY in front of 1600+ frenzied guests and completely knocked it out of the park!
This was a complete breath of fresh air. I’d come full circle!
That’s when I decided it was a New Year, and on January 1, 2017 after not having an active website for almost 4 years, I started to build our new band website. The site was completed on January 18, 2017.
Soon thereafter, I would “stumble” upon a great internet marketing community called Wealthy Affiliate. I immediately knew this was “my home” and if I signed up as a premium member, there would be great upside and value to this all.
So far so good. Life was sunny again. Renewed motivation!
This concludes Part 1 of this blog post.
Thanks for reading.
As usual, I would invite you to share any comments if you so desire.
Cheers,
Kaju
Recent Comments
137
Hi Kaju....we do have to go through those stages but it appears you have such a zest for life and living it to the fullest...that attitude carries you through. Music feeds the soul so glad to know you can enjoy your band again.
Debbie
Indeed Debbie, as you can see this article was cathartic for me as well, and the gist of the rest is how I have learned to deal with my limitation, as we all must do.
Thanks Debbie, I appreciate that.
Kaju,
Dear friend there is little that I can say by way of consolation, even though I have written a booklet on depression, unless people have suffered it, and I am now talking deep depression, they cannot begin to understand how you feel, I can empathise with you and can only hope and pray that things do really improve.
God Bless
Stuart
Thank You Stuart, I appreciate that consolation. Thankfully things have improved and I have been able to cope with these limitation, which which the gist of this article.
Thank you for your concern my friend, it is very appreciated.
Kaju
I'm so sorry to hear of your trials, Kaju. Having lost my mother and one of my best friends within six months of each other last year, I can certainly relate.
I'm sure your family are looking down and smiling at your success in spite of the dystonia, Kaju. It took tremendous fortitude and determination to work through the 5 stages of grief and come out stronger than before.
I had a similar experience in 1999. I loved my career as an occupational therapist, but was limited in what I was able to do following surgery for a ruptured disc in my neck. Wasn't supposed to lift more than 5 pounds. So I had to limit my case load to patients who were ambulatory and did not require any lifting.
One day during a treatment with a patient who had just had a total knee replacement, I almost dropped a patient. She normally did not require anything except verbal cues for safely transferring from one place to another (wheelchair to bed, etc.) That particular day, she decided to stand up and get into her wheelchair before I was ready for her to get up. We use a gait belt (a wide strap around the waist to prevent falls and guide the patient to where they are going), and I did not have the belt on her yet.
She stood up and attempted to get in her wheelchair by herself, and barely had her butt on the edge of the seat. I was blocking her with my knees to keep her from falling out of the chair, while yelling for help because I was not strong enough to get her back into her chair.
Once I knew that I could not safely perform my job any more, I had to quit practicing as an OT. Too much of my self esteem was tied up in my career, and I experienced an identity crisis that sounds similar to what you went through. If I wasn't an OT, which I had been for 25 years, then who was I? What was I?
I went through a serious depression, as you had described. But, fast forward 20 years, and happily, I have discovered that I do still have talents, my creativity, and abilities that I can enjoy and utilize. And my training as an occupational therapist is still so much a part of me, that I couldn't stop being a therapist in terms of the way I see things and react to them if I tried. It's just a part of me, even if I'm not a practicing therapist any more.
Here's to being thankful for the healing that has occurred for us and all those survivors of personal tragedies out there in our awesome community.
Carol
What an amazing story we share Carol, thank you.
I am very sorry for your loss of your mother and best friend six months apart recently, I lost my mother and grandmother 3 months apart, and also my grandfather one year later, at one point we were all a tight-knit family. So I too have been there.
It's truly mind-boggling what we learn everyday about our capabilities of resilience, isn't it Carol? Depressed as I was, I learned there would be brighter days and other ways to get where I needed to be.
I learned by going through the 5 Stages of Grief. And learning how to reinvent myself.
And am still striving to get there, but my ongoing journey continues to be evermore revealing and enlightening. Always open, forever learning. Beautiful, tragic, and yet wonderful.
Thank You Carol for bringing up those who are currently in need of healing in our community.
We are Thankful, and we are there for them.
Kaju
Thanks for this beautiful, heartfelt response, Kaju. I'm so sorry for your losses so close together as well. Do you have any siblings?
I had intended to mention a little pamphlet by Rev. Mary Kendrick Moore that I picked up at a grief support group I attended briefly after my mother died.
I'm sure you're probably familiar with the Serenity Prayer that's used at the end of each AA meeting. "God grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
This minister paraphrased that prayer in this pamphlet, "A Serenity Prayer for Grievers." Her words are: "God, grant me the strength to keep moving when I can, the grace to rest when I need to, and the wisdom to know the difference."
From the sounds of that, it seems as if she, too, might have experienced the deep, dark pit that you feel like you can never climb out of.
It is helpful to know the 5 stages of grief and loss, and also that we don't necessarily heal in sequence. One day we might be at acceptance, and the next day back at anger or bargaining. It's a zigzagging pattern, but as long as the end result if forward motion out of the pit, we're doing OK.
As a therapist, I'm interested in your dystonia. Has there been any change in it? Or have you merely adapted and learned to play in spite of it? I am so proud of you for not allowing this to destroy you or give up on your talent. I'd love to hear you play sometime. Are you on Utube?
Have a relaxing, healing weekend, Kaju.
Carol
What you say Carol "...the 5 stages of grief and loss, and also that we don't necessarily heal in sequence." is so very true. We are zig-zagging but as long as we heal in the long run, it's okay.
As you say Carol, over the years I have merely adapted and continued to play in spite of it, and most in the audience cannot tell the difference. I've changed many of the fingerings, its uncomfortable but I still play, and to the laymen's ear it still sounds great.
But I KNOW the difference. And because I know how I USED to play compared to how I currently play, I no longer enjoy playing so much.
However there was intermittent improvement during 2015 for about 6 months ostensibly due to an EMD (which the neurologist denied), that is a blog post in itself. I think I write about it.
Go to my band website on the bottom right of my profile page, and you will be able to hear MANY mp3 files and see MANY You Tube videos with me playing.
It's not only "OK", but also the normal progression of healing to move through the various stages of grief at different times. My mother and I used to sing all the way from IA to NC or GA driving cross country. And she always sang when she did housework when we were little.
For a long time after she died, I couldn't stand to hear the hymns we sang together, and did not return to church for about a month or so due to fear I would cry during the service.
Now I can usually sing them, but on Mother's Day our choir director insisted that we sing "If I Could Only Hear My Mother Pray Again". I was able to get through it, but had tears streaming down my face. I guess I was getting pretty cocky thinking my heart was healed, but was right back in the depression cycle for a few days after that. We just have to take things one day at a time and deal with whatever feelings life throws at us at the moment, I guess.
I understand how you feel about not enjoying playing as much as you used to. I was the same way when I tried to go back to work after my neck surgery. I hated having to ask for help doing something I had done so easily for so many years.
Thanks, I will really enjoy watching and listening to you perform. Maybe tomorrow afternoon when I need to take a break from all the work around here I can find a few minutes to watch the videos, and I can listen to you while I paint!
Gotta hit the sack. Had enough fun for one day. Are you a father? If so, have a wonderful Father's Day tomorrow. If not, enjoy the day anyway!
Carol
Thanks Carol, you make very prescient comments here, the healing process go be "on and off" for years, we just need to deal with it as things come along.
Enjoy your painting day, and let me know what you think of the music!
LUV the little bit of your music I have listened to, Kaju. Thanks for telling me about your website. Will be listening to more when I get the chance.
I think I can turn my speakers up to where I can listen while I finish the painting in the kitchen. (Computer is an old desktop in the next room, but it's an open floorplan, so I should be able to hear it. You might even catch me singing along!
Didn't get any painting done today as I had planned to do. Really tired, and slept for 4 hours when I got home from church this afternoon. Guess I needed it.
Have a great week, Kaju.
Carol
You, too. Sent you a PM about a Utube video I thought you might be interested in. Heading to be now. Nighty nite, Maestro!
So true. I can just imagine how much fun he had cutting loose with a full orchestra like that. So talented. I got to see him in concert once. Didn't know he had toured with the Beach Boys when Brian Wilson was sick. He did a Beach Boys set during the concert and said he can't hit the high notes like he used to because he damaged his vocal cords doing all the high parts for them.
We used Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book "On Death and Dying" in one of my classes in training to be an occupational therapist.
It wasn't a new book then, but the theory is the same regardless. The 5 stages remain. I think she might have been the first person to identify and explain them, though.
It stuck with me because I had low self-esteem growing with a dysfunctional family where I was constantly made to feel worthless as I worked on myself to overcome those obstacles
I can see how it would. When I was practicing as an occupational therapist in a psychiatric hospital, part of my job was leading self awareness and self esteem groups. I used a little paper back book that I just loved: I Am Lovable and Capable. I believe it was a children's book, but it was so appropriate for my groups. I have no idea who the author was, or if it's even still in print, but you might be able to find it online somewhere if you are interested. I think my copy has probably been worn out over the years of use.
Congratulations on your success in overcoming those obstacles.
Carol
I also grew up in an era before society even recognized their disability community and became an advocate for disability rights mainly because I had to be my own advocate because neither of my parents believed in me or would advocate for my rights
It takes a special person to rise above the obstacles like that. As Kaju said, you are stronger for having accomplished that. Carol
Thanks so much again Davida:) I have a new You Tube channel where I'm producing great content.
Check out our great Tokyo story as well as my Efren Reyes match win video play by play:)
Send me your YT link and I will Subscribe. You can Subscribe to my channel here:)
http://bit.ly/2T21P2N
If you don't yet, I will happily return the favor when yours is up.:)
Good afternoon Kaju,
Your life path was filled with stones but you were born with the strength to overcome it.
Greetings from the south of Spain, Taetske
Being someone who battles depression (I know you probably wont believe) and having been away deep down in the pit wondering if you will every get out, I can appreciate how hard that must have been for you Kaju.
To just wake one morning and not be able to do what you have done for years but not knowing what was wrong either is a big worry.
I am pleased to see that you did get that diagnosis which is a help in a small part but doesn't put the worry out of your mind as to being able to go back to what you were. Did the Doc ever suggest anything that you could take or do that would make it a bit easier.
I am so pleased that you came across WA and things have started going in the right direction again.
You just made me cry though when I read your answer to Jessica, that must have been so hard to deal with and I am so sorry to hear that news Kaju.
Thanks for this blog and I can say that things now are definitely heading in the right direction for you.
as in the song - THE ONLY WAY IS UP. xxx
There is a time for cheek, and there is a time for serious reflection. As much as we like to have our fun, I appreciate that you understand the difference. It takes someone who knows how to have great fun to also be keenly sensitive and aware to the 5 stages of grief and loss. And to have also lived it as you have.
We can return to the fun on the next thread. Thank You Cheryl
You are welcome Kaju and you are so right. Yes we do like to have fun and banter but this was not the time for that. I do like fun but yes I do understand very much the difference and thank you for your kind words. I have had my bad times but will not go into that but I have posted a few times when I have felt down, useless and totally worthless.
We most certainly will return to the fun on the next thread.
Once again, you are very welcome. xxxx
Yes we did, but these things still remain at the back of your mind as do my own. We need to have that fun though to get us through some of the other times. Hope you have that training done so I can find out what you said in the code. xxx
I hope everything is ok with you Kaju. Yes, grief is awful. I am still very down after losing my Dad in a traumatic way the year before I joined WA. He was my best friend, guide, teacher and inspiration.
I'm so sorry for your recent loss of your Dad, Jessica, I didn't know that. I lost all of my immediate family members when I was quite young. I know that pain.
I'm sure your Dad was all of that because he made you. And you are an amazing person.
Thanks Kaju. I am so sorry to hear you lost your family when you were young. That is so sad.
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Hi, Kaju,
I can relate since I've had trouble with my neck and a frozen shoulder. Things have changed a lot for me. I just have to keep stretching and doing arm circles and frozen shoulder exercises. And if not, I'm back to square one. Yeap...shoulder pain and neck pain.
Have a good one and I'm happy we found Wealthy Affiliate, too.
Kindly,
Becky
Yep, Becky, I have learned to deal with my impediment just as you have. Glad we both found WA. Thanks!