Vacation was a Bad Idea

We just came back from vacation and I am not feeling too happy.

That's a fairly normal reaction, I think. Often, people will go away for a week or two and when they come home, they may feel a bit let-down as they return to 'real life". That's not really what it is in my case, though.

I was a bit hesitant to go away. Certainly, I was looking forward to spending some time with my family; we haven't had a vacation together in about 2 years. My younger son, in particular, has been asking my almost every day for the past several months "daddy, would you play with me?" and my answer is always that I cannot because I have work to do.

So, I really wanted to have fun together.

My problem, however, is that I am unemployed. My only income is what I am earning online. It's been that way ever since I lost my job near the end of 2016. I spent several months looking for a new job, but as nothing manifested, I put more and more energy into my online work.

I am very lucky to be earning money online, but it isn't what I expected.

I had hoped that working from home would allow me more time with my family, but in fact, I have much less that when I was working my full-time job. On top of that, I am earning about 25% of my old salary.

I keep thinking as each month goes by that my traffic will pick up, I'll make a sale, something... So far, no dice.

So, going on vacation was not relaxing at all. In fact, it was pretty bloody stressful. My wife insisted that we go away and do something so that the kids could have some memories of having fun with us, but because I don't even earn enough to pay my share of the bills, she paid everything.

My wife paid for the hotel. She paid for the food. She paid for the activities. She paid for the gas on the drive. She paid for the souvenirs. Everything. When my son asked me for a drink because he was thirsty, I had to say no. We had to wait for his mother. When my kids wanted ice cream, I had to say "go ask mommy".

It made me feel completely useless as a father and a husband.

Right now, today, I feel closer than I ever have to succeeding online. I feel like things are about to happen. But I have also felt that way before... I have been telling my wife that "things will get better" for about... 17 years. I'm no longer sure that they will.

I'm not giving up, of course. I can't do that, no matter how much I may want to, and no matter how much it seems like the logical thing to do.

I feel more determined than ever to make this all work out, because I never want my wife to have to pay for everything again. I want to be the one treating her to something nice. I want to be the one to finally say "yes" to my kids....

I'm closer to building some real success than I have ever been, but I am also closer to having everything fall apart than I have ever been...

I know that I can't give up. I just can't. But I no longer know if I can succeed either.