A Deep Dark Sadness
---------- Forwarded message ---------
From: Charles Horne <charleshorne999@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Jan 5, 2022, 09:20
Subject: Deep Dark Silene. Please excuse the apparent lack of emotion in this blog. As I was putting this together, I had what I think was a PTSD flashback. Suddenly I was back there standing in that man's house. I couldn't move and I couldn't talk. I was up most of the night last night because I needed to get this done. I don't want to relive or revisit this nightmare ever again. It's interesting how much certain events shape and define you for the rest of your life. To this day, more than 50 years since this happened, I still can't tell anyone this true story person to person. I can't control my emotions and I self-destruct into silence if i try. If I hadn't experienced this first hand, I would tell you it can't be true but sadly in that time, in that reality, it was possible and I was there. A lot of bad things happened to Vietnam Veterans and I am sure some stories, horrible true stories have never been told. Probably because the veteran couldn't live in with this truth or at the least suffered aa catatonic me me talk collapse. When you read the in-person account, try to imagine what was going through this man's mind, the questions, the fears, the doubts and finally the gut-wrenching realization of what his family had done to him. I tried to follow up with this person but after about a month, I lost contact. God only knows what happened to him but I pray that God somehow limited his pain.
I know so many guys that came home expecting a little respect and maybe a handshake. They never expected to be ignored by their families or attacked physically and mentally by the very people they went to war for. Vietnam vets had to hide their patriotism and willingness to do their duty. I flew home with a friend and he ask me to come home for the night. We arrived at the airport in San Francisco and oddly there was no one there to greet him. He said it must be just miscommunication. When we arrived at his house there was nothing but silence. When we entered his house, the silence and emptyness were like thousands of deep, bloody knife wounds. There wasn't anything I could do for him but make sure he would be safe and then I went home to my family. I was one of the lucky ones.
Recent Comments
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I know exactly what you’re saying Chuck. Time doesn’t heal some things and we have to live with the memories in our own personal world.
I wish you well
Bux
Thanks for your understanding. You are so right, there are as many ways to deal with bad memories as there are people with those memories.
Hi Charles,
A belated Thank You for your service. My brother-in-law is a Vietnam veteran and was fortunate not to be in the frontlines (guess the front lines were everywhere).
Thanks for sharing a very painful experience.
Bill & Sue.
We always have to remember that there would be no front lines if it weren't for all the people doing everything necessary to support the effort. Anyone that puts in a uniform is possibly headed into harms ways. It seems like today, very few people think that serving their country is a worth while thing to do. When you forget about the people that fought and died to protect our democracy, that democracy is in danger. That's what see today.
Thanks for sharing! This is hard! Thank you for your service! My father rarely talked about his Vietnam experience. He would share a little here and there but the most powerful message I got when I took him the to Vietnam Memorial in Washington. I understood the pain after that.
It is hard, I am 74 yrs old and I haven't been to the wall yet because when I think about going I panic. It triggers panic attacks. In two weeks I have an appointment at the VA Hospital for a PTSD re-evaluation. Hopefully they can give me some valium or something. PTSD and the Vietnam War has affected every part of my life. Thank you for your comments. I salute your father, he was a hero
One thing that set Vietnam apart from WW 2 and Korea besides not having anyone to welcome them home. When a G I's time was up and time to go home, a soldier could go from front line battles to home back in the states at the family dinner table 48 hours or less. He could still have Vietnamese dirt under his fingernails. Also. there was no one to talk to, no way to decompress.
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Chuck, first of all I want to apologize for not catching this story before now.
I think I told you that what the Vietnam vets came home to absolutely was not right, in my opinion. The story you tell here is absolutely heart-wrenching, and I can't begin to imagine what it was like for you and your friend.
Have you given some thought to going to the Vietnam memorial wall with someone who you trust? Or maybe a "field trip" of sorts could be arranged for a group of Vietnam vets through your VA. I really feel that such a trip could be very healing for you, as well as others.
I hope your appointment at the VA is fruitful for you, Chuck.
I shall be praying for you to find peace.
Margaret
Yes, I have wanted to visit the wall many times but Everytime I get serious about it, I sort of come unhinged. From what the VA Health Care tells me it sort of a combination of PTSD and panic attacks. I'm trying to get them to prescribe some
diazepam(Valium). It's the only thing that has ever worked for me before. Thank you for your observations
It’s the least I can do, Chuck!