No. 7 -

Empathise with Your Listener

The FreeDictionary.com defines empathy as, "The ability to identify with or understand another's situation or feelings." It comes from the Greek word empatheia meaning affection, passion. This is where creating that mental picture we talked about earlier is vital. Feeling what they feel, being in their moment will take some of our energy but this step may be one of most important in connecting with our listener. We may need to concentrate hard to feel empathy in some conversations but that is what we have to do.

Empathy isn't where we say, "Oh I know how you feel. That happened to me..." and away we go on our detour subject. No, we know we have empathy when our emotions are moved as we listen intently. If we feel sad, angry, pity, joy, happiness, etc. then we are empathising with them. At times, we may find ourselves in tears over what we are hearing. We are empathising.

Just as blues music is the foundation of soul and rock and roll, so empathy has been called the heart and soul of effective communication.

No. 8 -

Tone and Volume

Tone and volume are some effective means that any speaker can use to make keywords and main points stand out in a conversation, whether it be a one-on-one or a large audience setting. How?

In many Asian languages, a change of tone will at times radically change the meaning of a word or term. A friend of mine was giving a religious presentation and spoke, in the Asian language he was learning, about the only true God. He used the wrong tone and actually said, "the God of abortion." Big difference!

In contrast, change of tone in English allows us to convey the complete range of emotions a human experiences in life. Volume allows us to emphasize key phrases and main points, using pitch and power to hit the punch line.

Listening for the tone and volume changes during the speaker's discussion, private or public, can help us make that mental picture so much clearer in our mind. It may just reduce the need for additional clarifying questions.

No. 9 -

Regular Feedback: Reflection of Content and Feeling

How do we give feedback without seeming to interrupt their train of thought and thus hijack the conversation? This is where we respond to what we are hearing in a reflective manner. Counsellors use this technique when listening to their clients. It is called reflection of content and feeling. Note what a counselling training manual says about this:

"To reflect or respond means to relay to the client in your words an understanding of their world. Ideally it elicits the meaning between their literal words. It should be more specific and concrete than the clients’ language, serving to grasp the essential meaning in one or two coherent phrases. To say “I understand” does nothing to add to the reality of them feeling understood that you need to convey back to them." (bold and italics mine)

A far better term in reflecting content and feeling is using phrases such as "You feel because" or "your week has been so full". This is not expressing your opinion but it tells the speaker that you understand the message they are trying to convey.

Of course, a nod or an occasional "uh-huh" will, with appropriate facial expressions, show that you are paying close attention.

Nine down, one to go! The last one is by no means the most important. After all, this isn't the Top Ten in rank order. Ready? Let's go to Tip 10.