No. 1

Stop Talking and Face the Listener

When we are having a conversation with someone, and trying to be a good listener, we just have to stop talking. Don't interrupt them, talk over them or do the smart thing of finishing their sentences. Stop! Yes, just stop talking until you are sure the other person has finished and then show that you have paid rapt attention by asking a clarifying question to show that you have received the message as it was intended to be transmitted.

The other key factor here is to face the speaker. Real communication and connection won't happen if we are typing away on a computer, gazing out the window or watching the Seahawks dismantle Green Bay. The old saying from our parents; "Look at me while I'm talking to you" is just as apropos today as it was then. In Western culture, eye contact is considered one of the basic ways of connecting with another person.

This is not what we mean by "facing the speaker!"

(pic source: psychcentral.com)

No. 2

Take a Chill Pill

In other words, relax. I know you are busy but during the conversation it is important not to be distracted by the myriad of thoughts buzzing through your brain. What's for dinner? Will I meet that project deadline? Will this conversation be an interruption to my day? How did the Yankees go last night? etc. Work hard at putting these thoughts out of your mind and focus on the other person.

Bullet points to remember:

• Be present and engaged
• Apply yourself to removing distractions
• Consciously work to relax your body and mind.

No. 3

Keep Your Mind Open

An unfortunate tendency we have all been guilty of is that of prejudging the conversation. The moment we step away from being an empathetic listener to one of judgement, we in effect have changed channels and switched on to something else. We will not be able to truly communicate on an effective level. Sure, what is being said may be alarming, uncomfortable or wrong. But you are listening to their viewpoint. Acknowledge it. Try to understand it. Absorb it. There just might be some truth in what is being said that can enhance the relationship between you and the speaker.

This open-minded attitude precludes the tendency mentioned earlier of sentence finishing, which usually is way off target and shows a lack of respect to the other person.

Ready for Tips Four to Six? The next three crucial steps are...