It Doesn't Matter What You Heard, You Must Believe In Yourself

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Updated 2 years ago

I meant to post this on 12/18 which is my b-day. Let's just pretend I did lol.

"Living the dream; I'm not talking about financial success. I'm talking about loving what you do. You know, if you love art and you do art and maybe you get a little bit of success at it... you're living the dream. If I had listened to the haters, I would have quit a long time ago - I would have quit when I was 11 years old. I used to get bashed by professional skaters, 'cause my style was dorky or, it was all circus, it was, you know.. [looking for a word] but, you can't! You've gotta believe in yourself"

-Tony Hawk, Professional Skateboarder (The Berrics Interview, 2015)

Hey folks!

It's been quite a while. Truth be told I had a draft going from December 2018, but I just never got around to finishing it. Why? BECAUSE I SAID SO!! LOL just kidding I got lazy.

Being that I'm a writer at heart, it's both liberating and therapeutic to get all of this out on paper (so to speak). But as my best friend once said way back when "You can't rush perfection". (tongue-in-cheek).

In fact, there are long (and I mean long) emails that I've written out to girls that I've never sent (and some I have),

Because I don't want to look back on it later and be totally embarrassed that I poured everything out and now seem absolutely bat sh** crazy, and
Because just the simple act of writing it (and not sending it) is oftentimes enough for me to in turn, let it go.

So strap on your seat belts folks! This one's about to get LONGGG winded hehahahaefkjasljr3098309jlkfjdsa.

The great thing about writing nowadays is that I just don't care anymore about whether people think it's too long. If they want to read it, fantastic. I would love that.

If you don't, that's fine too. I figure hey, I've somehow managed to make a living writing so there are people who do genuinely care about what I have to say, and what more could you ask for than that?

My girl @Zarina is the one who inspired me to finish this, so a big shout out to her.

P.S. She's kind of my pretend girlfriend LOL.

The above picture was taken on a trip to the JC Arboretum with Martha, with a Nikon D3200 and 35mm f/1.8 prime lens

(Girl Issues)

First, let's talk about some girl issues (big shocker there xD). If any of you were with me back in 2014, I had my heart broken by a girl who was never right for me. You don't know that until later on, but at the time it really hurt. Even so, I tend to recover pretty quickly. On a somber note, she ended up passing away which was a complete shock and definitely an eye-opener.

“Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forwards” ~ Soren Kierkegaard.

Tweet that^

Wait there's no button. Never mind lol.

Since then, I really haven't had genuine feelings for anyone, but have talked to dozens (if not hundreds) of women trying to come across the right one. For whatever reason, it seems like there's this force that's preventing me from finding someone. A throttle of sorts if you will. Like Nathaniell once said, "Homie don't play that."

Way back in the day, because I was so shy, I wouldn't really have to do anything. Girls would throw themselves at me and I mean that. It didn't make any sense. Obviously, nothing ever panned out due to my own insecurities, fears, etc., but times were a lot different. Sometimes I wish I could go back, armed with more confidence and a nicer body :P Now that I actually desire something genuine, it seems like in some ways it's just not in the cards.

Update: I met someone in 2019!

This just in: It didn't work out. xD

Come on you know you laughed.

We'll get back to that later, but for now, let's fast-forward, (or backward? I don't know whatever), to September 2018.

(Google's Sept. 2018 Update)

Up until this point, my site had been unaffected by Algorithm updates for nearly 4 years. I had a steady stream of consistent traffic, and decent income, but not a lot was changing for me financially in an upward trajectory sort of way.

I was making decent money but knew that I needed to do something to increase that number. I had not broken $2,000 in a month since 2016, and I WAS GOING TO CHANGE THAT! *Fist pump*

YEAH! WOOO!

Right before the update, I applied to an ad program called MediaVine per the advice of Nathaniell. I was super excited to start making some extra dough and had high hopes that tasteful ads on my site would be the missing link to all of my financial woes.

I didn't get accepted. Lol.

So in addition to the Google punch to the gut, every advertiser that MediaVine put in front of my content gave me a swift slap to the face. Wonderful. Keep in mind my traffic was around 45,000 monthly SESSIONS at that time, and after the algo update, it got pretty much slashed in half to roughly 20k.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I decided to get back to work. By the end of the year, I was focusing on my YouTube channel more, but also still writing articles and publishing valuable content.

In April 2019, I booked a free call with Neil Patel Digital, and they went over some of what the Algorithm meant for my site, what I could do, etc.

Long story short, the update had to do with "Trust signals."

"But my site is trustworthy. People tell me all the time how much I've helped them and how much they trust me. What gives?"

The guy basically told me it had to do with backlinks, and that my backlink catalog wasn't great and had a lot of dead weight. A lot of old links that weren't relevant anymore. He also ran down a bunch of other stuff over the hour or so, but that's neither here nor there.

Fair enough. I didn't ever end up hiring them (because I didn't have the money, another big shocker), but I decided that I wasn't going to give up, even though everything was telling me I should.

The thing about this business that you have to understand, is that you absolutely must believe in yourself if you plan to succeed. You have to know in your heart that what you're doing has worth. That it's valuable. That it's something you believe in. Something you actually love and are passionate about. That it truly and genuinely helps others. Contrary to what anyone says, these things are of paramount importance, and they are what keep me going even when it seems like the odds aren't in my favor. This goes beyond marketing. It comes down to heart and grit. Your principles. Your purpose. The "why" that the real gurus love to talk about. Because you can only fake passion for so long.

"We can tell other people about.. having faith. What we had faith in. What we found important enough to fight for. It's not whether you were right or wrong, but how much faith you were willing to have. That decides the future."

-Solid Snake speaking to Raiden (Metal Gear Solid 2, 2001)

Not everyone is going to pat you on the back and tell you how wonderful you are. Deep down inside, YOU actually have to believe that things will change, and YOU must hope for a better tomorrow (while still being grateful for everything you have right now). It may sound cliche, but in reality, it's just not. If there's no faith and no hope, what do you have left? What do you wake up for in the morning? For me, it's not to toil away at a job I hate. I've done that for my entire life and it's gotten me nowhere. I refuse to continue to do it, because one day I will die, and nobody's going to talk about that cushy cubicle I had on the 20th floor of an office building.

If anyone remembers me, it will be because I fought for the things I believed in, and that doesn't just apply to marketing. It's true of everything I've ever held dear.

This has been one of my toughest struggles in life; to have true faith in the face of what looks like hopelessness, When it feels like everything is against you. You know that feeling. You wake up and ask yourself "What the h*ll am I even doing?"

If you haven't ever asked yourself that or felt like you were nothing, you're lying.

(Love)

In February 2019, I was going to the gym in the mornings and met a really nice girl who worked at the front desk.

If I'm being honest, she wasn't a girl I'd typically go for. I likely wouldn't stop her on the street or anything like that. To me, at first, she was just a super friendly gal that I talked to before starting my workout, and nothing more.

But then we kept talking.

And talking.

Some mornings I'd get there at 8 and we'd still be talking at 8:45 or 9 a.m., and I'd just be standing there while dozens of people walked in and out, trying to swipe their gym card while I was standing in the middle of the way:

"Yeah, I should probably like, go workout or something." XD

"Yeah, why don't you go do that, those weights aren't going to lift themselves."

"Nice one," I thought to myself. "I think she's a keeper." Haha.

Anyways, she had a boyfriend at the time but we became great friends, talking through Instagram and just getting to know each other. She's the type of woman I've always preferred: Super intelligent, philosophical, intellectual, funny, challenges me and my sometimes flawed belief system and way of thinking, etc., etc. The ultimate conversationalist. Sometimes we would laugh so hard to the point of tears - over something really silly and insignificant like 4-year-old apple sauce, or the ramifications of being "Just a beginning farmer", or the way she pushed the mop at the gym in the morning (It was priceless let me tell you).

She once told me "We've been hanging out for like 8 hours and I just want to talk more. I usually get sick of people after like 2 minutes."

"OH MY GOD, ME TOO!!" Heh.

At first, I was opposed to the idea of dating her because of my own flawed perceptions and superficiality. I'm not going to go into this much, but I will say this: Guys are different. We're wired differently. Females, please understand this. It's just the way it is. We sometimes place more emphasis on the initial appearance than we should. Full transparency. I'm not perfect and I can sometimes be a shallow bastard. There. I said it. Now you don't have to :P

It's not that I am actually one, because you can look like a supermodel, but if you have the IQ of a cinder block it ain't happening. Homie don't play that. 💯

The more we talked, the more I just let go of what I thought I wanted and just fell in love with her because she was incredible. She was and still is absolutely beautiful in every way. I loved everything about her, inside and out. She had this strange way of walking sometimes and I thought it was the cutest thing ever (Yes I notice everything). Her smile, her eyes, her laugh, her demeanor, her personality, and all of her quirks were just perfect for me. Looking into her eyes took me to another place. She did everything I had imagined she would do, down to picking little pieces of stuff out of my shirt. You know, those little specks :) We even did Eskimo kisses and all that lovey-dovey weird stuff that people do and you're like "Eeewwww!" Lol.

So what happened?

Well, she broke up with her boyfriend in July, and of course, by this point, we had been talking every day since February (and hanging out as friends) so you can imagine we began dating almost immediately. Nothing about it was forced though. It was perfect. A stark contrast to my financial situation.

(Rock Bottom)

The plant that Martha gave me.

Isn't it funny? During this same period of time, I was literally barely keeping my head above water financially. I remember her giving me a Basil plant on the same morning that my car was about to break down (around April). It felt so good that someone cared about me enough, and thought of me enough to do something like that.

That and her friendship helped me during an extremely dark period when I didn't know where the money was coming from or how I was going to pay rent, my bills, etc. etc.

I was doing Uber on the side but got so paranoid about my car breaking down that I drove less and less, culminating in the situation above.

Making maybe $300-400 on Amazon and then trying to make up the rest of the difference driving a shoddy car was one of the worst experiences I've ever had (I had basically regressed back to online earnings I was making when I first started, which also felt pretty awful). When my car finally did break down, I felt like I was going to as well.

I had to stay with my parents for a few days, and even though I couldn't go to the gym, I lifted whatever heavy was lying around. This is around the time I made the call to Neil Patel Digital. As I've gotten older, I've learned to make do with what I have, to accept the things I cannot change. This is also very hard to put into practice but will save you a LOT of stress.

I remember one morning my mom came in and sat down next to me. I broke down in such frustration that it's hard to even put into words. I told her I wasn't cut out for a "real" job, something I've been telling her for years. I cried and cried, and she said she believed in me, my work, and my talents, but that maybe I should just get something in the meantime to have some sort of money coming in.

You know, it's hard being a true artist, because you see the world differently. You relate with others differently. And truth be told, your path is much different than one that others might take. Learning how to be a marketer while being an artist at the same time is one of the toughest challenges I've faced in my life from a creative standpoint.

My mom has never really been on board with it, and before that day, I never really felt like she believed in me. She comes from an old-school era and her thought process is totally the opposite of mine. Both she and my dad still don't really understand the power of passive income. I wrote maybe 1 article last month and my site made $1000. That's astounding to me but was only possible because I laid the groundwork first with the help of this amazing platform.

My mom and I clash on a lot of things, but she's always been there for me no matter what. I love and appreciate her so much, and I hope she knows that. She helped me pay for a $700+ dollar car repair last time out, and for that, I'll always be eternally grateful to her, and for her presence in my life over the years.

(Audio Advice & YouTube)

At this point, I decided I would apply to Audio Advice here in my hometown. It seemed like I had to do something, even though I didn't really want to go back working for someone else.

I applied, and long story short I was in the Top 3-5 to get the position.

The problem?

Well for starters, the gal who interviewed me 2-3 times ended up quitting because, after 23+ interviews, they refused to hire anyone. I don't blame her. The position didn't even get filled!

Okay?

Lol. So that didn't work out.

Truth be told, I wasn't all that torn up about it for reasons we won't get into here, and for some you probably already know.

YouTube

It was around this time that my YouTube channel was seeing some growth, albeit very slow.

I was making videos around 1x a week and building a nice little following.

It seemed like I was getting more respect in the search engines with regard to YouTube traffic than I was with my site, which is weird to me considering:

My site's been around longer and has way more content.
Google owns YouTube, so why would my site take such a massive hit while my channel is now starting to grow?

Whatever.

It was also at this time that I was still in lots of debt, not making much money, and basically liquidating. I sold a ton of stuff lying around in my apt. just to stay afloat, and started doing odd jobs for people around town (hanging curtains, moving furniture, etc.)

I prayed to God that I would meet someone that could help me because I felt alone and sinking fast.

A few days later I met an entrepreneur who drove the exact same year, make, and model car that I have!

HAHA. God has quite a sense of humour, doesn't he? If you even try to tell me that was a coincidence, I have some beachfront property in Kansas to sell you. I don't even know if that makes sense but whatever it sounded good lol.

I worked for her for a little while, but she ended up moving away because of her own financial situation. She had to move back in with her mom down in Texas and I felt kind of bad about it, as she has kids and a whole lot more on her plate to deal with than single old me with no other obligations other than paying your rent on time and try not to starve. XD

In July, around the same time I started dating Martha Allison (the girl from above), I got an eviction notice on my door because my rent was a day late.

If all of that other stuff I mentioned wasn't frustrating enough, now I have my apt. complex threatening to kick me out after being late on my rent once in 4 years.

Lovely.

"Well, I could start doing heroin. That might numb the pain."

Lol just kidding I didn't say that.

(Light)

July 2019. This is her and me at the lake.

Even though my days were kind of dark, I had her. She brought some much needed light into my life. She was everything to me, and she was truly one of a kind. The type of person you may meet once or twice in a lifetime. I would wake up feeling like I could do anything with her by my side. That nothing was impossible. She loved me for who I was, and encouraged me through the rough times. Keep in mind that not only am I kind of picky about who I date, but I also really, REALLY like being alone in many ways. You can imagine how special she was to me.

As the relationship got more involved, we both knew that it could potentially turn into something serious because of the way we felt about each other.

"The feelings I have for you are unlike anything I've ever felt before."

Stuff like that. I knew I felt the same way as she did.

One day she was over at my apartment, and I had a wasp problem at the time. Now I'm no sissy, but I really didn't feel like dealing with the nest because I'm the type of dude that would probably get obliterated by them if I so much as fart in the wrong direction when I'm out there.

I also get nervous and f up that initial shot of spray if I do have to kill one, completely missing the target, and subsequently causing mass hysteria and widespread panic.

"That was juuuust a bit outside." XD

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

She's all like, "I'll do it!!" completely and utterly ecstatic about the proposition of spraying a wasp nest. Go figure. Again, definitely a keeper.

As I observed her from the comfort of inside my apartment (lol), she actually got up on a chair, on my deck, with her face like 6 inches away from the nest. Her look was one of controlled determination. Her tactics were admirable and calculated, not spraying right away, but surveying the situation and figuring out her plan of attack. 5 seconds later and she was done.

"All finished!" she smiled as she walked back inside.

I looked at her for a second and just knew.

"I think I'm in love with you", I said jokingly.

I wasn't kidding. XD

It was a moment I'll never forget. I looked at her in disbelief.

"It's done? You're finished? HOW!? WHAT IS THIS SORCERY!!

I walked outside to about 5 or 6 dead wasps and not a trace of retaliation from any nearby passerbys.

Joe Pesci don't F around!

She was my little silent assassin :) I actually called her "my gem" because silent assassin would be weird outside of the context of the wasps and all that.

"Wait your girlfriend murders people?!? AWESOME!!"

So our relationship was blossoming and blooming and growing and marinating into this wonderful unforgettable oh my god I'm madly in love with you and now you're leaving?

Yup, that's right. You heard me correctly. She got an internship in NEBRASKUH of all places, but it was "only" for 5-6 months. I was happy for her in the fact that she had an opportunity to do what she loved, but selfish because I loved her and wanted her to stay here.

Even despite all of this, we both still agreed that we should be in contact but maybe keep it light since we wouldn't see each other at all.

For her, that was a huge thing. If she's away from someone for an extended period of time, she tends to lose feelings. Me on the other hand, not so much. It doesn't really affect me at all.

Fair enough. She was honest with me upfront and that's another thing I've always appreciated about her.

The day before she left, we went to the lake and had an amazing time together, just talking, swimming, and being silly. The next morning, I helped her pack the last of her stuff into the car and had one of those teary goodbyes. She wasn't really the crying type so it was kind of weird, but whatever haha.

As she got in her car ready to leave, I wrote something out on a text because I figured "I can write this better than I can say it."

Before I sent it, I glanced into the rearview mirror and she came running back to my car. It was like something out of a movie. I rolled the window down ready to say something and she just leaned in and kissed me, like she had a feeling it would be the last one.

"I couldn't leave without a proper goodbye."

Of course, I started to cry again and told her "No matter what happens between us, I'll never forget the time we spent together."

I still think about her over a year later, but that would prove to be the last time we communicated as more than friends. I'll never forget driving out of her apt. complex bawling like a child, knowing it was probably never going to be the same again after. Knowing deep down that it was over.

She went off to Nebraska and we slowly drifted apart. We talked a lot at first, but it kept fizzling until one day she said "I feel myself moving away from you."

I still have a great deal of respect for her because she was honest and upfront. We had the discussion many times in person, about her losing feelings when she's away from someone for an extended period of time, and how she was never able to figure out what caused this disconnect throughout her lifetime. So in a way, I wasn't shocked.

It's the one thing about her that I still don't understand to this day, but I've accepted it.

One day in September I was trying to figure out a way to let her know how much I cared about her (which she already knew, but whatever). A friend of hers who just so happened to be sub-letting her apt - and who worked at the same gym, told me I should Uber her something because she wasn't feeling well at the time.

I also knew "acts of service" were her love language, and had done something for her previously in the gym without even knowing. Her reaction on that day was so priceless because she couldn't actually believe someone would go out of their way to do something as simple as retrieving a water bottle from the other side of the room for her.

So through the app, I had some chicken soup sent to her and my heart was racing the entire time because it almost didn't make it through! The driver on the other end told me that he couldn't get in the door because there was some sort of passcode, but luckily someone was going in, and subsequently let him in as well. In the instructions on the app, I told him to give a message to her:

"I hope this makes you feel better. What I wanted to say on the phone but couldn't is that I love you."

She was the first person to who I've ever said that, and I meant it.

Even despite her feelings being somewhat gone, I held out hope. You can imagine my excitement when she finally came back in December. I got a call from her one day right before Christmas, after making an Instagram post and referencing Mac Ayres - Change Ya Mind. I saw she had liked it, and I was super excited to hang out again because I thought maybe she had done just that and changed her mind about us.

But it wasn't the same.

This is her and my niece getting pulled by the boat, July 2019

I got her some art pens as a nice gesture, and we went to a dying K-Mart here in my hometown, just walking around, talking, and having fun, reminiscing on the past and how popular the merchandising chain used to be. When we first met at the Starbucks before driving to the K-Mart, she came up and gave me a hug.

But there was an emptiness about it all, much like the emptiness of the store that would soon go out of business just a couple of months later. In my heart of hearts, I could tell her feelings were never going to "come back" or be the same, but I kept on thinking maybe it would change.

She came back to my apartment and we talked for a while longer, but I knew I had to make some sort of move. So before she left I looked into her eyes and asked for a hug. I pulled her in and hugged her, but my plan all along was to kiss her. I didn't kiss her on the lips though. Instead, I kissed her forehead and her cheek and her neck, and she didn't pull away. I told her how much I missed her. She said the same, and there was still a glimmer of hope left.

I invited her to a theatrical play about an hour or so north of where I live a few weeks later (I won the tickets from the Classical Station!), cleaned up my car real nice, and put one of those Little Tree's inside for good measure.

We talked the entire way there and the entire way back. The conversations felt exactly as they did that past summer, amazing and full of energy and ideas.

But when we got back, she just said "Thank you for such a nice time!" and left. When I said, "Aren't you going to come in?" She responded, "I'm kind of tired and just want to go home."

The feeling I had walking back into my apt. wasn't something I'd wish on my worst enemy, but I remained calm and wrote her a long email, able to get everything out and be done with it. She responded, but it was basically over at that point. She had said many times, "I want to be with you", and I reminded her of that, as well as her saying months prior, "It's only going to be for 5 months. Don't worry." She was quelling my doubts at that time, but it just wasn't meant to be I guess.

It was hard at first getting over her, and we remained friends for a little while, going on a walk here or there, before completely drifting apart.

We don't talk at all anymore, but I still don't have any bad feelings toward her (I did wish her a Happy B-Day on 8/12).

I'm just so grateful to have experienced true love again, and I would do it over if I got the chance, heartbreak and all. It's funny, I've only been in love twice in my life, and both girls were Leo. XD I guess we Sagittarius guys are just suckers for them. I certainly am.

(Moving Forward)

Nowadays I'm just writing for the blog still, uploading videos once a week to my channel (just hit 5k subscribers!), and really putting everything I have left into this.

I'm all in, so to speak. I've monetized nearly everything I could think of: from Patreon to a donation button, T-Shirts, YouTube ads, my artwork, design services, photography services, commissioned work (painting), beats, affiliate commissions from various networks, my amazon storefront, I've monetized all the countries I can through one link, and I got accepted to Media.net for ads.

One of the most important things that I cannot stress enough is: don't put all of your eggs in one basket. I kind of made that mistake and I'm paying for it now, as I try to sort of "re-diversify" if you will. Every little bit helps though. My channel makes about $100-200 from ads per month and I can't complain about that, especially considering they just went live recently. I'm looking for that to pick up in the coming months.

Now comes working to somehow increase traffic to all avenues and get some real income flowing. It's now or never for me.

To help supplement, I do Uber eats at night and really actually still enjoy it. I just need to get a more reliable vehicle. I was thinking about a Prius or Honda Civic. Uber eats affords me a ton of flexibility and I can drive when I want, for as much or as little as I want. I also work out 4x a week and do my best to stay in shape.

So yeah, I've been super busy. I've dated a couple of other girls since Martha; one from the gym; and one was an old childhood flame, but it wasn't the same. There wasn't really anything of substance there. I suppose girls like Martha Allison don't come around that often - something I've been learning as I've gotten older.

Even despite all of that happening, I still believe. I believe there's someone out there made especially for me, and I look forward to the day I finally meet her. I think my relationship with Martha was God's way of saying:

"True love still does exist, and I'll prove it to you", because friends before she came along, I was losing hope. I really was. It had been 14 years since I last fell in love, back in 2005. That feeling was so lost that it had become a distant memory, a time long since forgotten about, but still fresh in the recesses of my memory bank somehow.

But as far as my business? I still believe in it as well. If you're reading this, then I want you to believe too - In yourself. In what you're doing. If you're not doing what you love, re-examine your life. Because it goes by quickly. Even when your power gets cut off, will you still believe? If you get threatened with eviction, will you still push through? Because both happened to me and it sucks. But I look at it as part of the process.

You also have to be willing to grow and evolve as the times change. This is a hugely important aspect of online marketing that isn't talked about enough. Be willing to adapt. I'm speaking to myself here too. I don't take enough risks. I don't think outside the box as much as I should. I try to emulate what works, and certainly, that has helped in getting me where I am today. Lately, I've gotten more creative in how I market, and I think it's helped. But there is always something you can be doing to improve your blog. Your channel. Your writing. Yourself. Trust me on that. Just dive in one day and you'll see what I'm talking about.

The most important thing that I have to re-iterate is that I love what I'm doing. I'm truly happy. I believe in myself. Sure, I get burnt out. I doubt. I get fearful. I get really, REALLY frustrated. And sometimes? Yeah, I feel like giving up. Especially lately. But I don't because I'm an artist in every sense of the word. I feel like what I'm immersed in has value, and I really do enjoy it - creating, connecting, and helping as many people as I can along the way.

I've never been able to say that about any job I've ever had, and that's the reason why I continue to push through.

I hope this blog blessed you in some way. Can't wait to hear from you all!

And Zarina, you are still my pretend GF ;)

God Bless,

-Stu

If any of you guys want to support me, consider purchasing a print from the portfolio link above, and check out my work regardless! :)

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