There Will Never Be Another!

This is a totally different kind of blog. It is highly personal and I hope you will indulge me and my story. I read blogs every day of celebrations, rejoicing, and humor. I even read about new projects, devices,, and DIY. I rejoice, laugh, and shake my head in acknowledgement. This is not one of them.

The Years Flew By

She was the perfect baby. The most beautiful in all the nursery. Parents commented on her head, how perfectly round it was.😊I stood back at the window and just took it all in. This baby was going to change the world, she already changed mine. Fast forward to a 17-year-old beauty with a rebellious nature. Her step-father and I were going through a divorce, and she chose sides. It wasn't mine. Years later she poured her heart out and apologized. It wasn't necessary. I loved her unconditionally.

The Challenges Were Real

She married her spouse on July 25, 1999. She was a beautiful bride. All in white and her beloved step-father came from Arizona to give her away. It was a tumultuous marriage, surprises around every corner. She brought joy to this old soul with 2 grandchildren, a boy and a girl. Prior to my first grandson's birth, her spouse signed up for the US Army. I had no idea what kind of adventure this would lead to, but at least he had a job! The military does that...make one show up for work! Their first placement was at Fort Sam Houston. It only lasted 12 weeks, but she chose to get an apartment and start the Army wife life. It was only because my step-children had never seen the ocean that the trip was even considered, but there we were taking the long and oft-times tedious drive to Houston, Texas from Hot Springs, SD. AIT was over and his permanent duty station was chosen...Vilseck, Germany! We made the best of our time together. As it turns out, HE took it upon himself to break her water!! With my crochet hook!! She wanted to make sure I was present for the birth. She had an absolutely horrific labor. She couldn't progress. Why? The baby wasn't ready to be born!! She spent 48 hellacious hours in hard labor until the obstetrician decided an emergency cesarean section was in order. Ya think??!! All was forgiven when I saw my grandson's beautiful face, his eyes, his 10 fingers and toes! 2 weeks later, and they were gone!

My Sunshine Was Gone

My heart broke knowing I couldn't hold him or help her. It was 4800 miles!! Over time and weekly SKYPE calls, I got to see most of the important things; lift head, roll over, first solid food. It just wasn't the same. It wasn't the same for her either. She did not socialize. She didn't participate in any of the Army wives functions. She was alone and left to her own devices, she started to drink...a lot!! But lo and behold, another baby was on the way! So exciting, a baby girl!! And you can bet, I was going to Germany!! And because of her first experience, the doctor planned for a cesarean section. SHE planned the date, my wedding anniversary, so I wouldn't forget the baby's birthday!! LOL The baby came right on time and I arrived 2 days later. Holding my daughter in my arms in Frankfurt, Germany airport, and she just melted in my caress. She missed me so, and I grew whole again! 2 days after a C-section, and she drove the 3 hours in a snow storm all alone. She was reckless like that, not worrying about her own safety. And she had gained so much weight in the time she left the states. She was crowding 300#!!

Shall We Talk About The Elephant

We arrived and kisses and hugs around. My grandson knew and remembered me as the Grandma* on TV (Skype)! And my granddaughter, the moment I held her, I knew there was a God because I was holding an angel. The same perfect head, sweet smile, and delicate features. A true and exact reincarnation of my daughter 25 years earlier! We had been home 15 minutes, and she was on her second beer. She said she was celebrating my arrival and that of her daughter. Nothing wrong with having a drink, but people don't usually drink alone when celebrating. I stayed 3 weeks and after watching her pass out every night, I had to talk with her spouse. He had been placed on a temporary hold for being deployed. He had already gone to Kuwait and next stop was Iraq. He had been having issues at work, because of her drinking and taking narcotics for pain, (15 day supply of Vicodin gone in 2 days) he had to prepare himself that he could not leave the kids alone. She had dropped the baby 3 times and the baby was 2 days old.

The Final Goodbye

Rather than telling story after story about my daughter, I will call it. Her name is Tiffany Christine, and she was born April 8, 1981. She was killed on February 17, 2015, by a careless speeding driver on the busiest boulevard in Colorado Springs, Colorado. February's have been the longest month of the year since she passed. This year she came to me on January 28. I couldn't and still can't tell you why, but her presence was definitely felt. Through the years between Germany and his last duty station at Fort Carson, Colorado Springs, she had managed to have 2 DUI and totaled 3 cars, with the kids in them. The children were placed in foster care 2010 and permanently in August 2012 with high expectation of my granddaughter being adopted by the foster parents because she had bonded with them. On April 1, 2013, “a day that will live in infamy” (FDR, 1944), Tiffany and her spouse's parental rights were terminated. I was granted immediate custody of my grandson. I wanted to grab her as she hysterically ran out of the courtroom and say, “Get your life back on track I'll keep your babies safe and sound and when you're ready, your babies will be waiting.” But, I didn't. Both of the children claimed physical and sexual abuse against the spouse. Neglect, substance and physical abuse from my daughter. He was deployed 3 times and refused the fourth in order to “fix” his family. He fixed them, didn't he!

This Is The Cross I Carry

I wrote this long, tedious, and arduous blog just so you know my child did exist. She had a future, mental illness, and more burdens than most her age. She was 33 years old. She never saw her children again. She did remarry just 6 weeks before dying and I spoke to him for the first time on the night she died. This has been my burden to carry and why my February is the month I dread the most. I often tell others when Tiffany died, I was put into this club that no parent wants to join. I have her babies that I adopted to care for. I can only assume why I feel her presence so heavy is because she worries about me as I am getting older (+60), having more problems getting around (disabled), and my grandson (who has autism) is getting older (16), stronger, and heavier (5'11"& #242). I am not ready for the rocking chair and as I have been hurt in one of his tirades (broke femur and required a titanium rod), we opted out of physical intervention or restraint. I love this community and you have provided me with an outlet of sorts. I felt the need to share. Both my grandchildren now have my name and a birth certificate with me listed as mother. I do apologize for the length of this manifesto and hope you are not offended by anything written. There is no malice intended by putting out my thoughts and words. I did not write this for pity because I don't need pity or sorrow. It took me 4 1/2 years to gain and adopt both children. That should be celebrated, not mourned. The only change I would make would be the absence of fear, grief, trusting someone that did bad things to them, and in their case, amnesia! Wouldn't that be wonderful? Erasure of bad memories! It wasn't until my grandson turned 10 and lived with me for a year that he was diagnosed with autism (Asperger's). That astounds me and so much intervention during those formidable years that may have saved him such agony. I know it takes time to grieve. I know we each follow our own route to end the mourning. It was 4 years on Sunday and I re-live everything of that night.

OK, That's All She Wrote

SHUT UP LIZ** Oh man...take this keyboard from these tmrembling hands!! Yes, I do drone on. This is my greiving and how I deal... I type! I re-read the rules for blogging and don't believe I crossed any boundaries, but please, if I have, inform me and I will remove immediately. If you are a believer, please offer up a prayer or two in my name. God bless you all!

Yay Us!! 🌟