I Really Am Right!

There's an old story of two church workers debating about how to do God's work. In the spirit of conciliation, one finally says to the other, "You and I see things differently, and that's okay. We don't need to agree. You can do God's work your way, and I'll do God's work His way."

The tendency to be of the opinion this way can be immense. Even if you understand another person's story with genuine insight and empathy, you may still stumble on the next step, thinking that however much their story makes sense to them, you are still "right" and they are still "wrong."

For example, what about the conversation you have with your son about his smoking? You know you are right that smoking is bad for his health, and that the sooner he stops the better.

Fair enough. About those things, you are right. But here’s the thing, that's not what the conversation is really about. It's about how you feel about your son's smoking, and what he should do about it, and what role you should play. It's about the terrible fear and sadness you feel as you imagine him becoming sick, and your rage at feeling powerless to make him stop. It's about his need to feel independent, to break out of the "good son" mold that feels so suffocating. It's about his own ambivalence doing something that makes him feel good and at the same time truly frightens him maybe. The conversation is about many issues between the two of you that are complex and important to explore. It is not about the truth of whether smoking is bad for one's health. Both of you already agree on that.

Even when it seems the dispute is about what's true, you may find that being the one who's right doesn't get you very far. Your friend may deny that he is alcoholic and that his drinking is affecting his marriage. But even if the whole world agrees with your assessment, asserting that you are right and trying to get him to admit it probably won't help you help your friend.

What may help is to tell him about the impact his drinking has on you, and further, to try to understand his story. What is keeping him in denial? What would it mean to him to admit that he has a problem? What gets in the way? Until you understand his story, and share yours with him, you can't help him find a way to rewrite the next chapter for the better. In this case, you may be right and your friend may be wrong, but merely being right doesn't do you much good.