In Love With Me

byKaone

1.9K followers

7 years ago

I know most of you are probably tired of hearing me ask about Scott Foster's "Love Commands" and I apologise. I'm going through a divorce with my husband of two years and the father of my six year old. I've been so stressed that even my writing was affected. I've been stuck on the same training for a while unable to do anything because all I could think of was how to save my marriage.

And not even because I love him that much but because I do not believe in divorce and because I never in my life wanted children with different fathers. My younger sister and I share the same mother, different fathers and even though I love my sister to death we just don't have a good relationship and I can't help but wonder if things would be different if we shared both parents.

So I guess I was trying to avoid putting my child through that one day that is why I was thinking of ways to hold on to her father, at least long enough to give her a sibling was how I was rationalising the whole thing. Another thing I was violated by my stepfather when I was young and I was going to hold on to my child's father with everything in me if it meant keeping her safe.

But one day he did one more thing that showed how little I meant to him and it finally hit me, that what I was doing was not only going to bring me more pain in the end but my girl too. No child deserves to grow in an unhappy home and no girl deserves to see her mother put up with everything I put up with because it will make her think that that is acceptable behaviour. As a younger woman she was looking up to me and I had to be that person who teaches her the importance of self love and I had to set a good example, especially with the number of abuse growing daily.

I thought I was holding on for my child but I realized I would have destroyed her in the end because she would have had an unhealthy notion of what love really is. She would have thought it acceptable for a woman to hold on to a man whatever it takes even if she loses herself in the process.That is not what love is all about, love is about loving yourself first always and letting a man know, "it's not okay to treat me this way".

So I'm happy to say today I'm raising a strong woman because I've finally managed to stop letting the past dictate to me how to live my life. And I kind of underestimated how old and wise she really is because you won't believe what she said when I told her her father won't be coming home anymore. All I can say is children see all these things, so please do not underestimate them. My girl is now the happiest I've ever seen her, and there I was, thinking I'm holding on for her. I am so ashamed.