Its Been A Whirl Wind of a Month

bysmokeywins

3.5K followers

8 years ago

So life has been pretty hectic for me. In the past year, my dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer that had metastasized, so no treatment was available. He had also been diagnosed with Parkinson's many years prior which he was managing, but it was the cancer diagnosis that felt like a slap in the face. Sadly we lost my dad on Oct 2nd 2015, due to complications from his Parkinsons.

Of course during the last few months that he was with us, I had a relatively large lump appear in my breast. It was not something that grew over time, it just appeared. I researched and rationalized that it couldn't be anything bad, since it was moveable and hurt like hell throughout the month. Not to mention the fact that we were spending any time possible with my parents and there was no time to worry about it. At the time I thought it had to be something benign, as it seemed to change in size throughout the month.

After dealing with countless other issues, that I was able to mostly remedy by diet changes, I still didn't feel back to normal, and finally sought out the help of a naturopath which after two visits already identified that I had Adrenal Fatigue. In order to try and set my own mind at ease, I had her take a look at the lump, figuring she would identify it as what I had been thinking it was all along. A Fibrostic lump.

Needless to say the look on her face said the exact opposite, bringing me to tears. She immediately ordered a Mamogram, and ultrasound to check out the lump for that day. My mind was racing, thinking I had had the damn thing for so long, it can't possibly be something bad, otherwise I would be dead or in much worse shape than I was.

Images could not confirm or deny what this thing was, and she was highly concerned so she got me in with a local surgeon ASAP. We had to pickup the imaging disk from the mamogram etc before our visit, and my husband being curious tried to look at the images but never made it that far because the dictation of the results was very unsettling, abnormalities in the lymph nodes, although still very small, etc. Every doctor I saw could not tell me what it was, except they were "highly concerned."

Surgeons visit came and went, she did another visual check and ordered a biopsy to determine what exactly what this thing was. This entire time I kept holding out hope that it had to be benign, as there are benign things that look like cancer on imaging but are proven to be otherwise with biopsy. She had to order one to be done since she wanted the lymph nodes done as well, and those could not be felt so they needed the ultrasound to find them. They also did a second mamogram after the biopsy to have visual location of the little metal tag placed into the lump.

Our followup appt with the surgeon was scheduled for last thursday. That Monday, there was a small voice in my head that if it was something concerning, our appt would be shifted to sooner rather than later, but tried to not think about it. Then late on Monday my husband texted me to tell me that the office had called and they had a cancellation for tues. My stomach started doing flip flops. I called and penciled us in for that 9am appt, then worked to adjust my work schedule as doctors appts never seem to be on time.

As I sat in the room with my husband, I was beyond anxious. Then the doc walked into the room. The first words out of my mouth were "I hope you have good news for me". The look on her face said it all, and the next words were you have Breast Cancer. Before we went over the results she had me change so she could examine it again, to ensure there were no drastic changes. Yep still moveable, still the same size etc. She then left the room so I could change back and we would go over the results.

At that point I was in tears. Still in disbelief that I could not possibly have cancer. I'm only 37 years old! More tests were ordered, a breast MRI, as well as a CAT scan and Bone scan to ensure that nothing had escaped to other parts of my body. The CAT and bone scan were scheduled for that Thurs, and the MRI for that Sat.

Then came the first appt with the Oncologist this past monday to find out the results of those tests. Bone scan was negative, CAT was mostly negative except for a small spot on my liver, that they are 90% sure is benign, but need to check to make sure. So another round in the MRI machine was required.

The entire appt was a blur. Chemo would be first on the list, surgery, radiation, more treatment, with this entire process lasting a year. Shots to disable my Estrogen production as my cancer is fed by Estrogen. I'm apparently triple positive and I still have no clue what the hell that means. I only digested the part of the shots that will throw me into early menopause on top of everything else. Then the worst was there is still talk of a complete mastectomy which again brought me to tears, as that invasive of a surgery was what I was hoping to avoid.

I am just an utter mess right now. Still partially in disbelief, overwhelmed and just wanting this entire process to be over with. I just want to feel normal again, and I don't even know what normal will be after this is all over. I know I haven't been around much, and I know this is an extremely long post but I did want to let you all know what has been going on with me. Never in my life have I found myself wishing an entire year would go by in a flash. I know this is survivable, I just need to somehow make it through the process.