I Was Today Years Old When….
I was this old when I realized that I was my own problem. Year after year I went through life
blaming other for my short comings.
But, why would I blame myself?
It never occurred to me that I was at fault in every scenario that I recounted. Me, the bad guy?
Never!
Or so I thought. Besides, it was always easier to blame someone else for things when they went awry.
The simple excuse was that I could not have been wrong.
But in reality, I was!
Learning To Face Those Demons
Rarely do we admit to our faults. If we do, it is some small part that we claim to be our fault.
We will bend over backwards just to point a finger at someone or something else.
Asking questions like “why is this happening to me?” Repeatedly telling ourselves the same answer.
It was not me. I am not at fault for this current debacle. Always saying that I could have avoided this if you…. If what?
What it really boiled down to was that my pride or ego was not going to take a direct hit, especially if I could pawn the blame off onto someone or something else.
The reality of it stinks to high heaven!
Neglecting to accept my demons has stymied my growth over the years. Ioften tell myself that I should have been more.
Unashamed of my reasoning, I quickly bury my head in the sands of time until the next bout.
That Age Old Song, I Never Fixed Me
You ever look deeply at yourself in the mirror? The ultimate photo now engraved into your memory bank without the steady click of a camera.
Posing questions of in-depth realizations of your past. Why look back at those heartfelt
moments? You know that you cannot change them.
Although you may have thought yourself wrong, that defense mechanism, with its bold and intimidating roar, kicks in and redirects the blame.
Causing irreparable damage to the long-term, but satisfaction for the debate of this very moment.
Albeit right, wrong, or indifferent, you are relieved to once again convince yourself that you did not cause things to go wrong.
As you continue to glaze blankly in the mirror at yourself, you imagine a smile of contentment glaring from your face. But you smile not.
It was then that you knew that you had gotten away with it again. Reluctantly, it pleases your ego to know that you have shook the responsibility once again.
Truth be told, there could not have been any other acceptable outcome, in your mind.
Hooray, to the victor goes the spoils of war!
Those demons, intertwined with our emotions, did not stand a chance of winning this battle for peace.
Acknowledgment with its self righteous fervor is flawed. I want to bask in this moment of perceived glory.
Accepting My Part Of This Hellacious Ruse
As I stated earlier, I was today years old when I opened my eyes about my faults. But why now?
Brazenly, I manipulated the facts that would have otherwise made me vulnerable in the sight of my cohorts.
I dare not appear weak and defenseless as I move forward in life. Once the secret is revealed, I would have no barriers to cower behind.
Sounds a bit sensitive, I know. However, I can no longer in good conscience, run from my truth.
Today is as good a day as any other to accept the overdue tongue lashing that I so desperately deserve.
We all wake up at some point in time to confront that hidden part of ourselves. That side that convincingly has us believing that all is well.
Well, it is not!
It is time to dig deep into those emotions and take a moment to reflect on all of my bogus reflections from the past.
The excuses for all the regrettable decisions that have been hidden over the years.
In my opinion, acceptance is the first step to reclaiming any modicum of self-worth.
I am not a bad person, but these sleights of hand make me appear that way.
More Changes Are On The Horizon
Now that I accept these flaws, it is time to erase them. Yeah, I know that I cannot change my assorted past.
However, I have yet to invest that much time into fixing myself. WOW What a profound realization?
On my blog, I write about Personal Wellness. And you know what, I am going to be my first convert.
I believe in the topics that I write about; moreover, I am beginning to live by what I believe in.
Although I will not admit that I am broke, I will say that I have quite a few cracks though.
I guess it is time to breakout the gorilla glue!
It is time to go on the mend and sort out the plan. A little tweak here and there, some scotch tape, and a prayer should do the trick.
My hope is beaming the brightest light is encouragement. Can you feel the warmth?
This charge is so stimulating, I think I will go take a nap. Nah, I am just kidding right now.
I do feel motivated though. Congratulations, you are the first to hear my confession.
What On Earth Is The Plan?
The plan is to seize the opportunities here at WA and become more as I begin to cintrol my life. I want to look into the mirror and see a better me, know a better me.
To accomplish the most recent goals that I have set for my life.
Each day I am committed to growing. I will endeavor to learn something new every day.
The wider I broaden my knowledge base, the more successful I will become. The same applies to my Personal Wellness.
“What in my mind I can conceive, in my heart I can believe, I will achieve!”
Unknown Author
Do you realize how wholesome that sounds? Can you, in this lifetime, imagine going there?
Knowing that although tomorrow is not promised; jubilance is felt when you rise in the morning as know you are a better person.
I will be what I am meant to be!
Peace, love, and happiness to all of who endeavor to be more tomorrow.
In Conclusion
Today I have walked you through my mind and my burdened emotions. I refuse to maintain the status quo.
Unless we are in denial, we all have a demon or two riding gleefully on our shoulder.
It was hard to admit that I never fixed me. Acknowledging it has lifted what feels to be a ten ton burden off of my back.
I only want to stand erect now. This chin up and shoulder back is a good look for me.
Why did I wait so long? In truth, I will probably never know.
I believe that I can effect change now. Oh, what a relief it is because it has been a long time coming.
Let me tweak a little here and tuck a little there as I go forth into a new phase of life. Join me if you dare.
And I close out by saying, we need what we need!
If we keep our minds right, we can keep our bodies tight!
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Join me and let us make sense of it all! We can do it together.
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To your success and growth,
Canty
Recent Comments
7
Nice post, Canty!
As you know already, everything we learn begins with becoming aware.
It often takes us a while to consciously notice our awareness though.
In the beginning, we don't know what we don't know...
... then it often takes us some time to notice that we know there are things we don't know!
It's probably a result of the way the brain works to protect us from change until we begin to consciously control our own mind.
:-)
Richard
I applaud you for writing this post and sharing the progress you've made on your journey.
I know from experience that this is definitely an easy thing to do
A lot of introspection and reflection goes into it.
Well done on taking this magnificent step forward, Canty.
Introspection and positive action taking is all that we can do to set our minds free from our past experiences.
Why did you wait so long? - you've asked
Is it never a matter of your choice. Everything has its own pace and timing. And for you, my friend , now was the time.
You're now free to move on and continue to make your steps positive.
Looking forward to hearing more about your progress
Very nice post Ronnie, we must accept our past and forgive ourselves first and foremost before we can move on.
So many can not. I think we have 2 little voices in our head, one says the good things we have done and one rants about the bad things we have done. And like news programs, bad news sells. I try to focus on the good I have done and the more UpI do that the more good I find myself doing. Then I stop listening to the nay sayer in my head,
Thanks
Stephen
"We are creators of our own misery."
Once, we can accept this, than we can begin to be our true selves.
We take responsibility for our whole lives.
Fear keeps many people from looking deep inside and learning who they are, but this is the way to healing.
Wonderful piece, Ronnie.
Thank you!
Barb
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Very well written, Canty.
Don't be too hard on yourself though. If we were perfect we would not be here. Our Lord is looking for progress and those reflections show you are progressing. We will have set backs even as we progress but the important thing is to be moving forward throughout our lifetimes.
Archie