What a horrible day
So I have had an absolutely dreadful day today. I honestly don't know where to begin.
I had a job that I received recently, working at a gas station near by. I had to quit today unable to fulfill even my full shift today, because I had another major anxiety attack and mental breakdown. This is year another in a string of failures in my jobs, because of
A. Anxiety Disorder
I've been doing this for so long because I need money, but I had to quit, leave work early, walk all the way home and tell my parents who were both angry at me. It was a fast paced environment, something I can't handle, with co-workers who may or may not have disliked me (I'm honestly not sure) which I also can't handle, and customers who were racist and stressful on top of that (not all of them, in fact most were nice and helpful, but some were another story).
So here I am sitting on my bed in my messy room, on my laptop like I do all day every day, feeling so defeated, defective, and just plain hopeless. But I think I might've learned something from all of this.
People are all built for different things, some are clearly better and more talented and skilled than others. Some are clearly better in social situations that I am. But I think I'm incapable of handling any offline jobs. Admitting that pretty much destroys about 60% of my goals and aspirations in life, but it's something I'm going to have to accept. I've been in therapy, I've taken the medications, and nothing seems to be fixing this issue, so this just must be who/what I am. So from this day forward I'm not applying to any offline jobs with fast paced, harsh work conditions anymore with heavy social interactions like customer service from this day onward. I'm done. From now on, I'll have to work online only.
I may not completely know how to do that, since I have no real skills, so the obvious answer would be get some. Sigh I wish it was actually that simple. Suffering from severe memory loss doesn't make that any easier on me. I deal with thoughts of suicide over things like these.
I never performed well in school environments and after today, I'm not even sure if going back to school will do me any good when I have all of these problems and I'm slow in the brain. I can't perform. I'll never be able to start a company if I'm to anxious to interact in business settings, I can't really do much of anything. Sure I'm blogging now and I'm going to keep doing that, on top of freelancing and other things, but it feels like I can only do the easiest of task (barely, with such limited cognitive functions like mine) and sometimes I just wish I was built a little more like everyone else. Somehow or another I've got to make WA work for me, because if I can't, then there's nothing left for me.