Teens and Entitlement

The connection between your Teens Willfulness and Entitlement is important to understand. Your Teen becomes more willful than before because the drive to grown up independence begins. There is a need for more worldly freedom, increased latitude of choice and the urgency to keep up with peers. In this process, parents encounter a Teen pushing against and pulling away from them for more self determination, to protest against rules and restraints and to do as they wish. If he/she is a willful child, parents should expect their Teen to become more willful.

Why does your Teen feel entitled?

When a Teen becomes more willful or strong-willed, a change of thinking occurs when something is desired.

This is called "The Conditional Shift"

Now the thinking here is if they want something, they want it badly. The importance of the want increases. They must have what they want, and the urgency becomes great. The Conditional Shift from I must have it moves to I should have it. Now this is a sense of entitlement to satisfaction. When entitlement is denied and your Teens reaction does not just simply cause sadness and disappointment but generates anger or fury, there in lies a problem.

Now parents enter a period of thankless parenting and parents should take a stand, for the Teens best interest. Teen entitlement becomes the enemy of parent appreciation. Why should I be grateful? a Teen could ask. My parents are supposed to give me what I need to grow, I should not need for anything as I did not ask to be born. If I had a choice, I would choose what suits me.

Parents can also encourage entitlement in Teens e.g.

• Parents who feel guilty of been single parents sometimes feel the need to over compensate, this could start the process of feeling entitled
• Parents who give in to needs for indulgence sake
• Avoiding refusal
• Fear of displeasing their Teen and setting off anger or disappointment
• Special treatment e.g. exceptions, rescues, exemptions, sacrifices and creating unusual opportunities

There are different kinds of Entitled Teens:

• The Indulged Teen, where the parent always gives in to and gives
• The Star Child who receives privileges for achieving
• The Adored Only Child who is the sole beneficiary of everything the parent has to give
• The Assisted Child who has grown up to expect extra help
• The Manipulated Child who extorts compensation from guilty parents who cannot get over the suffering they caused
• The Rescued Child who always get bailed out of trouble by parents who cannot stand hurtful consequences their child should endure

Experts agree that the 2 antidotes to Teen entitlement are parents who are willing to teach Mutuality and Moderation.

Mutuality is taught in 3 ways:

• We sacrifice for you so we expect the same from you - consideration
• We expect you to be sensitive to our special needs and we will be sensitive to yours - compromise
• When we disagree we will meet you half way and expect you to do the same

By teaching Mutuality you are showing your Teen that relationships works two ways (and by extension with others) and it is not just about themselves.

The Lesson is - A healthy caring relationship is mutual giving and respect.

Moderation is taught in 2 ways, neither of which your Teen will approve of:

• It is taught be delay of gratification i.e. you cannot have everything you want immediately. This is taught by denial of gratification. You cannot have everything you want all the time.
• Parents have a role in providing sufficient experience in both kinds of instruction so that your Teen accepts that it is not Ok to get their way all the time, and that in life it is Ok to get your way some times only.

The Lesson is - When it comes to happiness, contentment outweighs gratification.