Conditioning and How to Overcoming Stinking Thinking
When was the last time you reflected on what and how you think? Or, perhaps more importantly, why you think it? Often we do no realize that we are conditioned to believe certain things.
For instance, I grew up in the stereotypical "dysfunctional" household with an abusive alcoholic step-father. Until I finally left home for the military, I had been told constantly that I would never amount to anything (usually accompanied with a physical beating of some kind.) Do you think this affected my views about myself and life in general? Of course it did. How could it not? In fact, I continued to hear his message inside my head long after he had passed away.
In my early 40's, I decided to return to school. I achieved my undergraduate degree with a 3.5 and a masters with a 4.0. Furthermore, while in school I had the opportunity to participate in an IQ test. The result? 144. Yep... borderline genius level.
The point is certainly not that I am anything special. I only bring such details up to demonstrate one thing. By all accounts, I am considered "bright", "gifted", "intelligent", and yes, even successful. The complete opposite of the old man's opinion of me, right? Ah, but therein lies the rub. All through college, I still heard my step-father's voice in my head. Even with all of that so-called proof, there were still days that I believed that I would not amount to a hill of beans, especially if I was sick or fatigued.
So, the real question is, how do we overcome such stinking thinking? The first key is awareness. Reflecting on your thoughts -- particularly the negative ones -- begins with acknowledging they are there in the first place. (I would be willing to bet that many of the people who fail at Wealthy Affiliate do so for reasons associated with conditioning rather than any technical mistakes they made.)
Next is understanding the bigger picture. We all have to have goals. The trick is to set a goal so big, with a strong enough reason why you want it, that it will allow you to overcome any obstacle, including your conditioning.
Then, determine what roles you play in your life now. Addressing each one at a time, where did you learn that role? Who told you that you had to play such a role? If it is a role you have consciously chosen then great, but if it is something someone else set for you, you need to recognize it and ask if the role in alignment with who you really are?
Finally, you must understand what you are getting out of it. Sounds strange, doesn't it? I mean, after all, who wants to think and feel this way, right? But it's true. At some level, we believe we are benefiting from hanging onto that role and belief. The way out is to focus on the alternative: what benefit would you get by changing? Who would you become if such roles were to simply disappear?
The goal is to strip away any beliefs and roles that do not serve you, and to plant in their place the seeds of a different reality and a better future.
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Barry,
Sadly, I do. Working in law enforcement I often see people at their worst. One area I "specialize" in is working with those with mental illness. And while there is no doubt biological reasons for some such problems, often a person's depression or suicidal thoughts are a result of the type of thinking we're discussing here. The good news is that it doesn't have to be that way.
Your blog has brought back memories from my childhood. I was fortunate to be able to move on and grow as I grew up. I have learned to focus on the positive. Stinking thinking is not allowed. But the emotional damage is there and is something I will live with.
Glen,
You summed it up perfectly. It is all a matter of what we focus on. I can choose to focus on my past or I can choose to design a future. Since I am a member of WA, I'm sure you can guess what I decided to focus on :-)
Hi James, this has made me think about the awful upbringing I had and the fact that I have also struggled to get rid of the words which still go around in my head today.
Hopefully I will soon reap the rewards of teaching myself that the problem was my father's and not mine :)
Jude,
I can totally relate. As I mentioned in my post, by all accounts I am NOT what my step-father said. I have a great job, a fantastic education, and am building several businesses. And yet, to this day I can still hear his voice in my head, and likely always will.
The trick is -- as GlenPalo pointed out -- to focus on the positive. Much of my drive to do well in college was a result of my trying to prove him wrong. At least from that perspective, I was able to turn it into a positive and graduate top of my class. But the reality is that I made a choice along the way: I decided I could be "right", or I could be happy. Now I can simply ignore the voices (boy, that makes me sound crazy, doesn't it? lol)
You should be so proud of yourself, James. You have come such a long way from those abusive days. So many would not have turned it around like you did. Congratulations!
Thank you for the kind words, Lisa. I am proud. More importantly, I have found my true purpose in life. I am a writer, teacher, and coach. In a sense, it is ironic that you say so many would not have turned it around. My mission is to help people like myself do just that.
When I first signed up for WA, it was all about the money. Build a website, find some affiliates, and sell some stuff. Now I see that there is much more to it than that. Do I hope to make money along the way? Of course. But that is not my purpose. I am here to change lives. Besides, the money will come as a natural byproduct of my mission. As Zig Ziglar once put it: you can get anything you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want.
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Yup, still trying to get rid of the crap from the past. Didn't come from the parents, came from siblings and other sources.
However, I think the thing to remember is that IT IS the past and the past doesn't have to determine our future. As you have said, it comes down to choices. The easy choice would be to continue to let the past shape our future or we can make a conscious choice to remember that we are unique and can change. People with abusive backgrounds do this all the time and become successful in business and life.
Thank you for planting these seeds.
Wayne,
I agree. I think that many of us know that our parents played a part in our belief systems, but don't realize that we receive conditioning from many other sources as well. Siblings. Friends. The books we read. The music we listen to. And most definitely, television, which is one of the reasons I rarely watch it anymore. Excellent point, my friend.