My Health and Feel Good Lens

Every year I don’t have resolutions: because my only resolution it’s not only for the New Year it’s all year round to SLIM. For a reason I convince myself to be successful in all part of my life I have to slim first. I brainwash myself about dieting since I started to put on a little weight and the problem got worse every year. Worse it gets more I will analyse everything through the diet lens. My first thought to my last of the day will be: I will be good and stay away from food. But more I will think about it in the day and more I wanted to eat. I felt hungry every minute of the day regardless I ate or not. And the diet lens narrows my objectivity, my success in life.

Scared

Well not this year I am going to have a resolution for a change, on the 28th December I got scared very scared and this made me think about me and the way I process things, the way I see life. I spend my night unable to breathe correctly and in the morning I panicked as I couldn't breathe for a short time. I had attacks after attacks. When I managed to calm down I call to see my GP. Not being able to breathe it’s so scary especially when you are alone in the house far away from neighbours. I am lucky to have a great GP and asthma nurses in my surgery. I had to go to the minor injury hospital to be treated. I felt wonderful after a cocktail of medicine. I can tell you all about dieting and all about calories, slim fast, weight watchers, slimming world and more..... I can create a website about it. Because, I spent over 15 years doing only that. But instead I should be knowledgeable about my own health. And being proud of my appearance regardless I am fat or not. More I put on weight less I took care of me: my appearance and health. And I didn’t see the point to even try or exercise. I can’t remember the last time I put makeup on.

You see I cough and had flames and the doctor diagnose me with asthma. And I live with this condition for over 20 years. He didn't tell me more about it except giving me inhalers. And from my part I wasn't curious either and didn't ask any questions. I felt fine so no worries….

Honestly, I feel so stupid and foolish not learning about the symptoms, the danger of asthma. I knew for over 20 years I have the condition but I took my inhaler only when I go to a city or if I know when it will be dusty because I knew then I will struggle to breathe. After that I will forget completely about it and carry on with my life worrying about my weight. I will go a full year with an outdated inhaler. Again no worries…

10 Years Ago…

About 10 years I felt tired but it was gradual and I didn’t notice as I got used to be tired all the time and the lack of sleeping. I felt fantastic when I took time to recharge and when I managed to have a good night. Being younger I managed to pass by. But these last 4 years it had been a challenge more and more… Two years ago I started to feel extremely tired I spent all my day off doing nothing except to rest to be able to work the following week. The thought of going out was like a nightmare. The amount of will power it requires from me was exhorting by itself. You will think after all that I will pay more attention to my loud, long sessions of coughs and numerous chest infections all year round instead pushing it away by convincing myself it’s just a cold no need to fuss about. That is a huge lack of knowledge from my part.

I tried to explain people around me how tired I was but I can see they couldn’t see it even for the ones who noticed I look ill and sometime white.

To give you an idea: Imagine your mobile’s battery has difficulties to charge. That is me by the way. I love metaphors. Hopefully you are imaging a slim battery in a smart phone not the wonky first mobiles. LOL

Well, when you are charging first it does recharge 30% only to start. Gradually it doesn’t matter how long you plug it. You get only between 1 to 5%. Someday if you are lucky it will recharge 20 to 30% again then less and less days you will have that percentage. But again when it’s that high it has to get down then that is brutal time. It will take more energy to get the minimum amount back again and be able to breathe only the minimum amount to be able to work.

Awakening Moment

But now it’s catching with me. I had the biggest awaking time ever 3 days after Christmas. I think it’s a blessing in disguise

Why: I was doing everything for the wrong reasons. You may say it was obvious. How couldn’t I see it? But I was focusing on being slim again and nothing else did matter. I remember how tiny I was and I wanted it back. I saw life only through what I call my diet lens and how people perceive me and I forgot who I was, how I used to think and do things for me about my qualities. I still do things for others that didn’t change but somehow if I wasn’t slim I didn’t matter. But I do matter regardless my size. This is my resolution this year: looking after me, to be proud of the woman I am. And not leaving the fear being fat stops me succeeding in all part of my life.

I am going to be knowledgeable about my asthma and take the steps to keep it under control now I remember how good it feels to breathe again with a battery charged at 80%. I don’t want to lose it again. It had been so long I sincerely forgot what breathing without difficulties was. Why only 80%? Well as I said I am huge so that does count for the 15% and 5%for a reason I am not aware yet. But that is OK I can live with that. I am going to improve what is more important right now and hopefully I will be able to loose enough weight to have 90%. From today I am going to look through the health and feel good lens. When I will have a bad day I will read this again and again to remind me what is important.

Final thought

I am posting this here on WA community because I need this thought of mine to become reel I am not sure it does make sense for anybody else but to me it does. I was thinking about social media but I didn’t have a connection.

The time I couldn’t do anything else as I said above I had to keep my mind occupied otherwise I will make in the record book for watching the most films in the world. And I already I have a lot under my belt. I had to find something to keep my mind busy. I started to look online a way to make money and came across an article. And all started here….