Suddenly Someone's Light is Extinguished

Last Update: December 18, 2015

Hello,

It is not easy to tell this for me, but after some thinking (+ advice) I think I have to share this...

Yesterday at a 6PM local time a friend, the father of my godchild died due to a train accident.
A stupid, dumb accident!

He left the pub across the train station too late (probably playing some kind of slot machine) and because they left on family weekend he needed to catch the train at 6PM.He crossed the railways behind or in front of a train that did not move and on the last railway there was his train, but he did not notice that there was third train passing by (not at high speed) in the middle... And the moment he jumped on that railway to cross them (what actually is prohibited) the third train has taken him, only at 20 miles/hours, something like that... But it is as deadly as at 60 or 80 miles/hour...

He leaves 3 children, 2 boys who are around 4 and 6, they have the same mother.
The other child is his 8 year old daughter Arwen, I am her godfather and her mother is my best friend... But Tom, that's his name, was also a friend of mine, we played our weekly portion of squash for a while (most of the times...).

It is really unreal, but actually I don't want to put the attention on myself...

The reason I really wanted to post this blog is to ask people's advice / experiences with losing a father or mother at such an important age: 8 - 9 years old, she realizes everything now and she is still a child.

I am a member of a community with members all over the world from all kinds of ages, religions, color, whatever... I think it is something very powerful to access all kinds of environments and different ways of approaching something, which might be very interesting in a situation like this.

When there is any info/experiences that is useful for Arwen, that can help her, can you please share it here on the forum or send me a PM?
Any useful info regarding this kind of situations or a an experience that can help, that would be better than any website success you can imagine...

This is not something where she needs support only the first 2 - 3 weeks.
I realize that the next days, weeks, months, year(s) will be a struggle for that girl and that she needs extra support...

Some things are so unfair!


Thanks for reading this...

Grtz,
Bert

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rsommerfeld Premium
Bert,
I will give you my advice based on when I loss my Father. No one can console you if you haven't experienced the same type of loss. I'm not saying you can't help, but don't make a mistake and tell her you know what she is going through.
I will say you can only be there for her and I agree it needs to be on her terms, however you are her Godfather which you get to be there for added support. She is only a child, but I can assure you she will never get over the loss of her father. She will need family, friends and outside support. The main thing is that you give her time and don't force her to show her feelings.

I will share why I say this I loss my father while he was living on the streets in Las Vegas. He had been gambling and was highly intoxicated when he left a Casino and crossed the street at 3 AM. Unfortunately he was struck by a cab driver and was gone by the time EMS arrived in 2 minutes.
The loss of a parent is hard, but when it is early or tragic it is different.
I guess my advice more then anything is be there for her and let her know she is loved.
Arwen will need to be reassured that her Dad loved her and that he knew she loved him.
I hope and pray the very best for you, Arwen and Family.

Very Respectfully,


Robert
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Mike1942 Premium
Robert this is the truth and wonderful advice. Nobody but you knows it better and you are telling it so wonderfully from Anwen's side of view. I didn't have any death experiences with my parent's and honestly couldn't relate to anything like this but I have a deep alienation towards my parents for what they did in raising me. These are two different things but still related in a way. I do not hate my parents for what they did but I am emotionless about them; always had been for all these years. This magnifies the need for Anwen's need for love now from her family and extended family. But love alone does not solve the pressures of society and the need for financial security. This is the reason for my suggestion above, AGAIN!
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AngelsBird Premium
Thanks for your comment Robert!
I completely understand what you say...
She is indeed young, too young to lose her father who is needed during upbringing...
And nobody can replace that...

Can I ask you what your age was when your father had his accident?

Thanks again...

Grtz,
Bert
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AngelsBird Premium
Actually, Mike, we have talked about kind of the same thing yesterday. Meaning, that a child (of 8 years old) will have more negative input and the consequences are probably bigger on long term when it has parents who have a divorce battle than to have a parent who is dead.
Because the child in the divorce situation is not recognized as a "victim" of what happened/happens/will happen. And that child also does not realize in what for a twisted situation he/she lives.
While losing a parent is really hard and painful and you will never get completely over it, but you get some recognition as a victim, there is no good or bad parent,...

I don't know what happened, but your comment reminded me that this was our conclusion yesterday when we were talking about consequences...
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Mike1942 Premium
You are too right Bert! If a child loves his parent and looses him/her this is devastating. If a child is first kicked around like a ball from one parent to the other and is being used as a "negotiation" tool, that is atonally different situation. This is what happened to me in the 40's and 50's, killing all feelings for my parents and making me learn how to play them against each other! A very sad situation but irreversible now. And then there are people who want to tell me that "faith" will help. I got news for them: BLIND faith is stupid and it is what most of this world is made of.
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AngelsBird Premium
I thought it was something like that, recognized myself a bit some years ago in your answer...
I stopped being angry and I let the past go away...
In the first place for myself, it really helped me a lot by not being angry anymore..
They are still angry and struggling, well, they do what they have to do, but they cannot involve me anymore.

Indeed, faith is not a solution for this.
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Mike1942 Premium
Bert, I might be somewhat more fortunate then you in this. My parent are both dead now and bygone is bygone! I am not really mad anymore, just sorry for them. Neither one of my parents died a "happy" death. Both of them were disillusioned and on my mothers side, she was senile at 102. Water under the bridge and life goes on.
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rsommerfeld Premium
My Father was 48, which I was and adult when I lost him. I am also the oldest of 6, so my youngest brother and sister took it differently then even I did.
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Mike1942 Premium
That is understandable! I was 39 and din't find out until a year later because nobody knew where I was. By that time there was no love lost. And my mother just died last year. Again it was more of a blessing because she was suffering and wanted to die ten years ago. Circumstances!
That doesn't mean that i don't have any feelings, they just were more manageable!
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AngelsBird Premium
Thanks Robert for the info... I also think the younger you are, the more impact it has on long term, but the moment itself you do not realize it that much.. I think...
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AngelsBird Premium
Mike, I think I really understand what you mean and let the water flow...
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TanjaRita Premium
I'm so sorry for your loss. The are no words I can say other than the family is in my thoughts. What a tragedy.
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AngelsBird Premium
Thanks Tanja...
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Marcus1978 Premium
Don't know what to say, sorry. I can't even imagine what that must be like.
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AngelsBird Premium
I think that Robert knows best, cause he lost his father too...
And as he says, we do not have to pretend that we know how it feels like..
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Buddle Premium
Hello Bert. How I feel for you all. Arwen in particular, as it sounds as if she loved her dad. Sometimes (I have found) the only way is not to talk too much, but simply to surround the grieving one with as much LOVE as possible. If he/she wants you to talk, he/she will encourage you.

Meantime, hugs, cuddles, genuine empathy is what gives them strength. Just BE there for her.

And tell her he is with her always, even though she can't see him. She can even talk to him if she wants to.

XBuddle
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AngelsBird Premium
Hi Buddle,
Thks for your comment... She adores him indeed and already said (and will say many times) that he's with her...
Try to do what we can, I suppose...
Grtz,
Bert
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Buddle Premium
That's all you can do, Bert. So pleased to hear she knows he's there. She must never think otherwise.
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paulgoodwin Premium
Hi Bert - she needs YOUR help as she has to have a shoulder to very on please be ther for her Nd time heals and a woman is much stronger than you think A man is mentally a weak and feeble creature next to a woman !!! Sorry a it the loss and sometimes it just seems so unfair and you have my sympathy - Paul
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AngelsBird Premium
Hi Paul,
Thks for your comment... Indeed noticed yesterday that she keeps quite strong, but what happens inside you don't know...
Grtz
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