Suddenly Someone's Light is Extinguished
Hello,
It is not easy to tell this for me, but after some thinking (+ advice) I think I have to share this...
Yesterday at a 6PM local time a friend, the father of my godchild died due to a train accident.
A stupid, dumb accident!
He left the pub across the train station too late (probably playing some kind of slot machine) and because they left on family weekend he needed to catch the train at 6PM.He crossed the railways behind or in front of a train that did not move and on the last railway there was his train, but he did not notice that there was third train passing by (not at high speed) in the middle... And the moment he jumped on that railway to cross them (what actually is prohibited) the third train has taken him, only at 20 miles/hours, something like that... But it is as deadly as at 60 or 80 miles/hour...
He leaves 3 children, 2 boys who are around 4 and 6, they have the same mother.
The other child is his 8 year old daughter Arwen, I am her godfather and her mother is my best friend... But Tom, that's his name, was also a friend of mine, we played our weekly portion of squash for a while (most of the times...).
It is really unreal, but actually I don't want to put the attention on myself...
The reason I really wanted to post this blog is to ask people's advice / experiences with losing a father or mother at such an important age: 8 - 9 years old, she realizes everything now and she is still a child.
I am a member of a community with members all over the world from all kinds of ages, religions, color, whatever... I think it is something very powerful to access all kinds of environments and different ways of approaching something, which might be very interesting in a situation like this.
When there is any info/experiences that is useful for Arwen, that can help her, can you please share it here on the forum or send me a PM?
Any useful info regarding this kind of situations or a an experience that can help, that would be better than any website success you can imagine...
This is not something where she needs support only the first 2 - 3 weeks.
I realize that the next days, weeks, months, year(s) will be a struggle for that girl and that she needs extra support...
Some things are so unfair!
Thanks for reading this...
Grtz,
Bert
Recent Comments
61
Dear Bert,
Your writing this post tells us that you are facing this misfortune head on. Good for you. That will help you be strong for Arwen and her Mom.
Regarding Arwen, I think Robert (rsommerfield) covered it well from his personal experience of losing his father.
I know you said that you don't want this to be about you, but it is about you. Arwen is very fortunate to have you in her life.
When we sign up to be a Godparent, who actually thinks the responsibility will become a reality?
Don't feel overburdened with responsibility, but instead, embrace it. Just keep loving that little girl like you already do :-)
All the best Bert!
Krazykat Val
Thanks Val...
I also agree with what Robert says and will tell this to her mother (I will show blog)....
Indeed! When they ask you to be godfather you think about what you will (or have to) do when you accept it. Not one second you think about what it means when that child looses of his parents when it's 8 years old..
I know what you mean embracing the responsibility and will do that indeed. (It's not a sprint, but a marathon...)
Grtz
Bert, I am sorry for the loss of your friend and for his kids. For you to be there, listen and offer support is most important.In times like this family is so important.Many in the WA community offer support, but
we are so far away in the physical sense.
My church family plays an important role in times like this.
Marty
Thanks for your comment Marty...
I understand your opinion, I also have/had the same opinion about physical contact to help each other.
But I have to say, I underestimated the positive impact all those "virtual" contacts have... So, I am in a "changing opinion" phase, but I am sure that it is not good to have only "virtual" contacts.
She will play a song on her violin during service next Saturday, she proposed this herself, which is great I think...
Grtz
Bert, Not that it helps but I feel really bad for you and your friends family. Here we are exactly at that point I made earlier that we need an emergency fund here at WA which could be extremely powerful. Each member, if they choose, contribute one extra Dollar, included in their monthly fee if opted in, which will build up an emergency fund of huge proportions to help victims like this and if they are members of WA. I know it is a big responsibility to administer such a fund but doable in my opinion.
For instance, I have a PayPal business account which is easy to set up if you have a registered company. I, or one of us could do that and this one Dollar each is deposited into this specially set up PayPal account. If there is a need a sort of inquiry is set of buy several members of WA to examine the course of what is happening. Then if all on that committee agree and agree on a sum, this sum will be paid out to the "victim". I would be willing to be part of this committee in any position we all would agree upon.
There are just too many extreme cases like the one Bert is telling here and people are totally lost in the process because of many people just thinking of themselves and the "inconvenience" it would cost them!
What do you say?
Hi Mike, Thanks for your very sweet and friendly proposal...
It is touching that you would do this...
But to be honest, I don't think that money will help Arwen and actually I don't even know how she would think about it...
("Does money has to replace my dad?")
But if there would be financial problems, then it is something else, but there aren't any financial problems... (Luckily...)
But thanks for your proposal...
Grtz
Not a problem Bert! I am happy that Arwen is financially secure, something I never knew! My proposal is for all the case here on WA. Just lately I donated money to two people here who absolutely needed it, after the goody food shoes just paid lip service. Believe you me it is not easy for me to do either! I know how these people feel and am glad to help from the little more that I have!
Please give my Love to Arwen!
Hi Bert,
This is really sad, I cant even imagine. Yes but I think the best way is you be with her all the time, in such situation I think that is the most important thing. I completely agree with Robert's advice. He is very well mentioned what is the best to do in such situation.
Thanks,
Chittranjan
Thanks Chittranjan...
I also think that Robert his advice is very important, cause he knows what it is...
And indeed, we are planning lot's of things to do with her and there will be someone with her...
She actually asked to have some company of another kid, so "she is busy and does not have to think about her dad all the time"...
That's good I think...
Grtz,
Bert
Bert,
I will give you my advice based on when I loss my Father. No one can console you if you haven't experienced the same type of loss. I'm not saying you can't help, but don't make a mistake and tell her you know what she is going through.
I will say you can only be there for her and I agree it needs to be on her terms, however you are her Godfather which you get to be there for added support. She is only a child, but I can assure you she will never get over the loss of her father. She will need family, friends and outside support. The main thing is that you give her time and don't force her to show her feelings.
I will share why I say this I loss my father while he was living on the streets in Las Vegas. He had been gambling and was highly intoxicated when he left a Casino and crossed the street at 3 AM. Unfortunately he was struck by a cab driver and was gone by the time EMS arrived in 2 minutes.
The loss of a parent is hard, but when it is early or tragic it is different.
I guess my advice more then anything is be there for her and let her know she is loved.
Arwen will need to be reassured that her Dad loved her and that he knew she loved him.
I hope and pray the very best for you, Arwen and Family.
Very Respectfully,
Robert
Robert this is the truth and wonderful advice. Nobody but you knows it better and you are telling it so wonderfully from Anwen's side of view. I didn't have any death experiences with my parent's and honestly couldn't relate to anything like this but I have a deep alienation towards my parents for what they did in raising me. These are two different things but still related in a way. I do not hate my parents for what they did but I am emotionless about them; always had been for all these years. This magnifies the need for Anwen's need for love now from her family and extended family. But love alone does not solve the pressures of society and the need for financial security. This is the reason for my suggestion above, AGAIN!
Thanks for your comment Robert!
I completely understand what you say...
She is indeed young, too young to lose her father who is needed during upbringing...
And nobody can replace that...
Can I ask you what your age was when your father had his accident?
Thanks again...
Grtz,
Bert
Actually, Mike, we have talked about kind of the same thing yesterday. Meaning, that a child (of 8 years old) will have more negative input and the consequences are probably bigger on long term when it has parents who have a divorce battle than to have a parent who is dead.
Because the child in the divorce situation is not recognized as a "victim" of what happened/happens/will happen. And that child also does not realize in what for a twisted situation he/she lives.
While losing a parent is really hard and painful and you will never get completely over it, but you get some recognition as a victim, there is no good or bad parent,...
I don't know what happened, but your comment reminded me that this was our conclusion yesterday when we were talking about consequences...
You are too right Bert! If a child loves his parent and looses him/her this is devastating. If a child is first kicked around like a ball from one parent to the other and is being used as a "negotiation" tool, that is atonally different situation. This is what happened to me in the 40's and 50's, killing all feelings for my parents and making me learn how to play them against each other! A very sad situation but irreversible now. And then there are people who want to tell me that "faith" will help. I got news for them: BLIND faith is stupid and it is what most of this world is made of.
I thought it was something like that, recognized myself a bit some years ago in your answer...
I stopped being angry and I let the past go away...
In the first place for myself, it really helped me a lot by not being angry anymore..
They are still angry and struggling, well, they do what they have to do, but they cannot involve me anymore.
Indeed, faith is not a solution for this.
Bert, I might be somewhat more fortunate then you in this. My parent are both dead now and bygone is bygone! I am not really mad anymore, just sorry for them. Neither one of my parents died a "happy" death. Both of them were disillusioned and on my mothers side, she was senile at 102. Water under the bridge and life goes on.
My Father was 48, which I was and adult when I lost him. I am also the oldest of 6, so my youngest brother and sister took it differently then even I did.
That is understandable! I was 39 and din't find out until a year later because nobody knew where I was. By that time there was no love lost. And my mother just died last year. Again it was more of a blessing because she was suffering and wanted to die ten years ago. Circumstances!
That doesn't mean that i don't have any feelings, they just were more manageable!
Thanks Robert for the info... I also think the younger you are, the more impact it has on long term, but the moment itself you do not realize it that much.. I think...
I'm so sorry for your loss. The are no words I can say other than the family is in my thoughts. What a tragedy.
I think that Robert knows best, cause he lost his father too...
And as he says, we do not have to pretend that we know how it feels like..
Hello Bert. How I feel for you all. Arwen in particular, as it sounds as if she loved her dad. Sometimes (I have found) the only way is not to talk too much, but simply to surround the grieving one with as much LOVE as possible. If he/she wants you to talk, he/she will encourage you.
Meantime, hugs, cuddles, genuine empathy is what gives them strength. Just BE there for her.
And tell her he is with her always, even though she can't see him. She can even talk to him if she wants to.
XBuddle
Hi Buddle,
Thks for your comment... She adores him indeed and already said (and will say many times) that he's with her...
Try to do what we can, I suppose...
Grtz,
Bert
That's all you can do, Bert. So pleased to hear she knows he's there. She must never think otherwise.
Hi Bert - she needs YOUR help as she has to have a shoulder to very on please be ther for her Nd time heals and a woman is much stronger than you think A man is mentally a weak and feeble creature next to a woman !!! Sorry a it the loss and sometimes it just seems so unfair and you have my sympathy - Paul
Hi Paul,
Thks for your comment... Indeed noticed yesterday that she keeps quite strong, but what happens inside you don't know...
Grtz
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I am sorry for the loss of your friend. The part that hurts the most about losing someone is how fast we can die. I am sure that though times will be tough, the family and yourself will get through it all.
You know that I have had 2 people die recently myself one last month and the other one died sadly earlier today so if you need to talk to anyone I am only a private message away.
Thanks Anthony!
Yes, I know that it has been a very difficult period for you with those 2 loses and like you say, we will get through it...
Only for Arwen it might have irreversible consequences, but I think (in the first place) her mother and everybody else around Arwen will help her where possible...
Grtz
Yeah, that would be the best option, everyone should try and feel the space that has now been emptied. Keep focus and push on for his sake :)