Today I did something
Today is about starting over.
Every day for three years now has been about starting over. And over... And over...
And over...
Getting nowhere.
It's been a lot of stuff, really, that looking back --- wow. Looking back, I think Covid and the world shutting down affected me much more than I thought. I think it gave me an excuse to shut myself down. And as shutting down and avoiding all contact with other human beings and avoiding anything challenging is my natural inclination anyway... Yeah, it's been bad.
Then, there was a bunch of health stuff. I mean, a BUNCH, culminating in a crisis last week that finally made me get to the doctor (after literally years) and face some things. Sitting with a medical professional, describing multiple and ongoing life-impacting symptoms was a real eye opener. The list just kept going on.
It was more than just the medical symptoms I shared with the doctor, too. It was little things that stand out now like neon signs. I had stopped singing. Stopped drawing. All but stopped writing. Stopped looking for public speaking opportunities or teaching opportunities. Stopped enjoying television (though I continued to watch an inappropriate amount of it). Stopped enjoying food.
Recently, food has become nothing more than a chore.
That's not normal. None of it was normal. None of it was ME.
Realizing it was catharsis. My whole life was upended. The first step was food. Doctor-recommended supplements (instead of blind, endless searches on Amazon) and eating right again. Then getting to the gym again. Now I'm singing again.
And, of course, now starting over with the business I want the build, have wanted to build, literally, since I was twelve-years-old. Starting it over...
...again...
But today is different, because today I did something.
I don't mean I worked on my dream business today.
I've been working on my dream business by some definition all these years. Exhausted working. Endless and no-end-in-sight working. Waking up at 3AM and still getting nowhere, ending in a whole Netflix series binge working...
You get the picture.
I mean that today, I made a commitment. April 2023 I launch my author business with the six books that have basically been finished and stalled for three years now. I have the books. I have the plan. It's out there. I've told so many people now. I can't take it back. I will get it done. Today I committed to that.
And now I'm writing it here. And I'm forcing myself to actually publish it. I'm not "planning" to publish it or waiting for the "right time" to publish it or waiting until I have "accomplished something" to publish it. I'm forcing myself, now, to stay present, press forward, commit to the fact of shared existence in this world, and face that my business is all about that shared existence.
I'm committing, too, to weekly progress reports here, every Sunday night. That's huge for me. Lack of consistency is my most consistent failing as a human being. It has enabled all other shortcomings in my life. But it's time to stop being anonymous and time to stop hiding. I am done shutting down.
This is me making that promise to myself in a public space.
So really, I suppose today is not about starting over after all. It's about committing to and seeing through what I have already done.
Recent Comments
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It seems like you have just dug in your feet on a downhill slide and started to climb back up. All the best!!
Jim
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Lovely that you did not give in but has now a turning point that you're taken accountability here by writing this blog.
Well done and congratulations.
Keep being consistent and you will achieve your goals