Saying Good-bye

bySara8808

71 followers

4 years ago

I am not writing this for sympathy. Writing has always been therapeutic to me so I am writing this because if I do not get it out, it will stay bottled up and I do not have a lid tight enough to keep it confined in. Yesterday started out like any other. I worked on watching movies to write reviews on, my daughter and I were hanging out after distant learning, then I got a text message.

It led me down a rabbit hole I did not think I would go down until I was much older. You see the text was from an old high school friend. She was asking about another friend who I have been best friends with since I was 12, I am 32 now. She told me she believed he was gone. This is what opened the rabbit hole. As I started to follow the white rabbit down the path of denial, I found it to be true. His mom found him on the floor.

We were band nerds. Him the alto sax, me the clarinet. We met in middle school and became friends. He lived around the corner from me and as soon as we made this discovery it was over. Birthday parties, talks on the porch, he saw me when no one else did. The classic quiet girl in overalls and glasses who had just a couple friends because people were jerks. We attended the same high school and were once again in band. 4 years of hanging with the same crowd, but really sticking together. We saw significant others come and go. We showed up to Prom together, after his girl chose someone else and I was only going because my mom forced me. I went with him to pick a vest out that would match my dress, we bought each other the flowers you buy. A limo was rented with some friends. He held me and made fun of me for fearing the tram going up to Palm Springs. It spun around so it was scary. We danced with other people, but we made sure to keep that one slow song for each other.

We graduated and all went our different ways. Everyone entered the work force and college and traveled different paths and in different circles, but we were always a call away when we needed something. I met a boy and got pregnant at 19 and had my daughter. Things happened with the boy, he joined the army, and we were too young. We went our different ways. I was now a 20-year-old single mom, but not really. My best friend took me to get my daughter's birth certificate, he came over and saw me when I was in my most depressed state and had not cared about myself for a week. He would bring my mom and I roses for Mother’s Day. He spoiled my little girl on her birthday and on school events, if he could make it, he was there. He found somebody and they had a son together, he would bring the baby over and let my daughter hold him. As the years went on, we went to Disney on Ice, the beach, shopping, eating. It did not work out for him and the girl, but he was a great dad and they worked so well together.

We hung out when we needed grown up time too. He took me to see my favorite comedian for my birthday, we went to dinner, the movies, just hung out. He helped teach me how to drive, he came to my baby shower, he was always there for us and now........

I seem to have reached the end of my road of memories and I am facing a fork. The one path leads to being on a road full of memories and happiness yet has a dead end that I will have to turn around to get back to the fork. The other path, one without him. A path where I reach for my phone to say, "hey fool" and have it go unanswered. One where I want to tell him happy news.... sad news......any news.
In this age of Corona I doubt they will do a funeral because we still cannot be together, but maybe they will. What do you say when you cannot tell someone you love goodbye?

I know your son will be fine, his mom loved you and him so much and her new husband will keep your memory alive. Lily will be fine; she knows how much her uncle loved her. Your family will be fine, they have each other to lean on.

As for me, I will be fine. That guy you met that you always ask about even though we live together now, and it has been 4 years. He is the one. He is my best friend, just like you. He noticed me when no one else did, just like you and he will look after Lily and me no matter what, just like you. I will not say goodbye, but I will end this how we ended every other conversation.

I LOVE YOU!