Twists and Turns
I'm writing this here for a two-fold reason it's a touchy family topic and I have no family here right now and I need to talk about it so here's a good place. Secondly, it may very well affect my interactions her, at least for awhile and put a loophole into meeting some of these goals.
I got up this morning and did not look at my phone. I was making an honest effort to do my daily morning writing to clear my head, and this is the first week. The idea is to stay free of outside influences and write whatever comes to mind when you first get up, I believe there is a similar exercise somewhere here at WA. I finished up and closed the notebook.
Now I picked up my phone. I was hoping I had heard from my brother. I'd left him a couple messages but hadn't gotten him. There was a message from my step-dad asking that I call when I can. My heart immediately sinks. I was in Illinois last year for five months and there was a lot of that. My step-dad had a heart attack and then a couple of months later my nephew who was living with them- as I was committed suicide- in fact the one year anniversary of his death is just a few days away on May 17th. He would have been 18 last month and graduated this month.
The pain it really doesn't go away. It's hard. I saw too much. The cops left the light on and door open which I couldn't miss when I went upstairs. He used a shotgun. Don't even imagine, that image I'm not sure will ever leave me. But this is then, we're talking about now.
So, I call dad. It's my brother (my dead nephew's dad), he's in the hospital. It seems he was brought in yesterday barely breathing and really bad vitals. They put him on a ventilator and medically induced a coma. How are we going to tell his daughter who he was just getting to know? She's twelve, they don't even know one another. They've had to cool him down and slow his body processes in hopes of slowing the damage. They will start warming him up and wake him up tonight. After talking to people and gathering as much information I can, it's likely a drug overdose- heroine or some pill you can get on the street that similar. From what I was told today he's been hooked on that for around ten years. Last year, when his son died he was sitting in the county jail dealing with a mess related to drugs. This year, I don't know. Hopefully, it's not death knocking on the door. Yet if he lives as an addict from what I told about what he is taking then maybe death's door isn't so bad. I hear they mainly live as zombies, it's the drug that is the most important thing. Seems true considering this story.
The thing is I live about 2000 miles away. I have recently messed up my back badly and can't fly because of the pain from a couple of head injuries. My husband is legally blind and doesn't drive and won't be making the trip most likely. The twists and turns may mean I step back from here a bit. Then again I suppose it could manifest in my becoming obsessed as a way to occupy my mind. I am writing this because I realize I may appear unreliable or scattered brain for awhile and this is the reason my dears. I'm stressed out for now. The twists and turns who knows where that will lead us as we wind down life's pathway.
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But what or who would you be going for? It doesn't sound like your presence could help in the situation. Is someone asking for you to come?. Does your niece have anyone to talk to? Could you talk to her over the phone? Is her mother there? If your brother dies, you might want to go to his funeral, but otherwise, it sounds like going there would not help anyone, but might hurt you.
My parents could use my support. It's tough with my nephew's death being so raw, their health isn't great either. I am waiting to see what we learn in the coming hours, they are taking him off life support in about another 2 1/2 hours we'll know more after that happens. My niece that took a bit of doing. My brother's drug habits is why he doesn't have his children. In the case of my niece she doesn't know me but I did manage to track down a relative on her mother's side of the family that will let her know. I have agreed to see the doctor before deciding anything. Gaining some sense as the day grows older
Good. .It always seems to take some time after the shock wears off before you can think straight enough to work things out. Our thoughts will be with you.
Just a vote...
Give what support you can over the phone, by Skype (if your Internet connection will deal with it), by snail mail or email, by sending pictures, etc. There's no sense making a bad situation worse by (literally) beating yourself up with a 2,000 mile journey - one way.
You've got a past, and you've got a future.
Learn from the past and look to the future, but live in the present. Follow the path you and you husband have laid out for yourselves. Avoid second guessing that path. It sounds like what's going on now was set in motion long ago and has been playing itself out - with or without your presence.
And finally... don't put yourself in a situation that will suck you dry, whether emotionally or financially.
Good luck with it.
Dennis
I am so sorry to hear about your brother and Nephew. I also know what it is like living with the death of a close relative. My youngest son was involved in a road accident he was 7 yrs old. Sadly he didn't make it and died in hospital the following day. It is 16 years this year but the pain never goes you just learn to live with it. My prayers are with you and your family.
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Stay where you are. If your parents really need you they will let you know. You can't do anything for your brother at the moment and even if he pulls through this you might not be able to help either. I know how hard this is but unless he chooses to help himself no-one else can. There is no point going to his funeral if that happens as he won't know it. And you parents might be better off coming to visit you just to get away for a while.