Anxiety And Depression

Anxiety And Depression SUCKS.

And it's time to speak out about how it affects peoples lives. We certainly need to end the stigma of mental illness as well. However, that's not what this blog post is about.

The Fall

I have been noticeably MIA within the WA community, as well as my business blog page. Back in January my mental health failed me. I spent so many days lacking motivation to do much of anything.

Often times I was found sitting in the same old spot on the couch I sat in first thing in the morning, until late in the wee hours of the morning. Doing nothing at all, or sometimes knitting, but mostly just sitting staring at my phone.

It seemed to me that I was dealing with my usual seasonal depression, the winters are long here in Southern Ontario, and the wind down from the holidays generally get lonely and boring.

However I was wrong, it carried on well into February, March and into April. I began skipping my classes at school, and opting to work on projects from home. I avoided all social contact with friends and family when possible.

The last blow to my mental health came when we met with the tough decision of having to put my faithful friend and companion to sleep. My Great Dane Lucy was my world, the beautiful soul was always by side through thick and thin. She was there when I was sad, lonely and feeling lost. She shared in every single one of my joys and accomplishments. Lucy, next to my children, was my world.

Her passing was something I was sure would end my hopes of improving and finding the light at the end of the mental health tunnel.

Depressions Icy Grip

Kevan and I came home the morning we had to make the terrible choice to let Lucy be at peace and slumped down on the couch. We both just stared at the walls and cried. The house felt, empty, lonely and sad. Upon coming home Lucy would always greet us with a stuffed animal in her mouth and prance around in happy excitement to see us. But not this time.

This time when that door opened our reality set in, our best friend, companion and protector was no longer with us. My depression, I felt was going to sink to an all time low, and I feared I wouldn't recover.

That fear turned into anxiety, and I panicked. What would I do when the kids went to school the following Monday, and Kevan to work? How would I react? I had never been "alone" without someone by my side in ages. The fear was so strong, my heart began to pound, my head spun, my palms were sweating, and I felt like the rug had just been pulled from underneath me. This was it, this was the anxiety attack that was going to end me, I was sure of it!

In a rash moment of despair and a slight hope at calm, I picked up my phone and searched dog breeds. Not with the intent to replace my beloved Lucy, but in an attempt to distract my mind from falling into the vicious trap of anxiety. I searched for hours, I began thinking and pondering about putting my name on a waiting list for a pup. This would give me time to grieve, time to heal and something to look forward to.

I knew I didn't want another Great Dane, that would feel like replacement too me. And I wasn't about to replace Lucy, no one can, no dog ever will. I settled on a Chocolate Lab, fun, goofy, smart, and great with families.

I searched for breeders, and found one local, that had all the things I look for in breeders and none of the red flags.

Unexpected Little Light Of Hope

I decided to fill out the application for a pup and submit it, thinking it would be months before a litter was expected.

As Kevan and I chatted, cried and went through every emotion together my cell phone dinged with an email alert.

I checked it, read the subject header, gasped, read it again, cried, and looked at Kevan in disbelief.

"You've been approved for a pup, come pick your pup ASAP, a storm is headed this way and we fear we won't be open for a while if it hits"

I re read it over and over again, in shock, but among the shock my heart fluttered and I knew I wouldn't say no to a puppy. Despite the poor timing, the grief, the thoughts of replacement running through my head, Kevan and I hoped up and got ready to make the hour trip to pick our puppy.

We drove home that night with mixed emotions and punch drunk in love with the little brown ball of fur curled up in my lap.

Lincoln Loggs We would come to call him, Link for short. Lincoln Loggs when he's being a brat, he eats his own poop... hence the last name.

Since his arrival, my depression has slowly lifted, and I was able to focus on myself again and seek medical and professional assistance.

The Climb

I've slowly been climbing my way out of the hole created by depression and anxiety, I am taking it day by day.

I managed to pass my first year in College, thanks to some amazing friends, family and the best teachers in the world. Everyone rallied around me and helped me make it through, I've even won some awards with my photography this year!

I take medication to help alleviate the symptoms, as well as practice being more mindful and physically active.

I have had to learn that it's OK to not be OK all the time, and that being open and discussing my illness is not only normal but healthy for me.

Exercise helps improve my mood, and being careful with my caffeine and dietary intakes has made a huge difference.

Link, he has made the biggest impact and has officially become my service dog. We go everywhere together, he keeps me calm and helps me feel focused and safe when we work together. He is never very far behind, and yes when he is left home alone, he greets us at the door with a stuffed animal in happy excitement.

I've even felt well enough to get the gardens in this year! And today is a huge WA milestone for me. I came back, I didn't give up! I will NEVER give up! One of my goals made for recovery was to return to WA and get back into the groove. It may be a small achievement to some, however for me, it's the biggest deal!