Addressing my fear

byAj632

150 followers

Updated 9 years ago

Many people will not be able to relate to this, but some will. I am by nature a timid and conciliatory person. I have always been: In school, I didn't willingly participate, but only spoke if directly questioned; at any job, I tried to give 110% consistently so I would not be singled out for mistakes or for not completing what was expected of me; in relationships, I was always the one who compromised in order to keep the peace and make sure the other person was happy. A measure of this is a very good thing but too much can really control you life...

I've been sitting in front of my laptop for the past three days, trying to type - to blog, to put my words in front of others, to risk (in my mind) ridicule and judgement. I just couldn't do it. This is not a new thing for me - the fear of not doing something 'the right way' or not doing it good enough has often produced a kind of paralysis in me. I can't do the thing I want to do because I can't get past the fear.

I have been a caregiver for the past 20 years, taking care of my best friend. When she passed away last summer after a prolonged and difficult illness, I knew I could not continue in that field. I also knew I would not go back to the corporate world. What would I do? I had no idea. When I was led to WA, I really liked what I saw here, and (after much thought) I made the commitment to change my life. And if I mean to keep that commitment, I need to understand the fear that keeps me back. So, I knew it was time to deal with it. I started asking myself hard questions and looked the boogeyman right in the eye :)

To my amazement, I discovered I am NOT afraid of failing. I am afraid of succeeding! Crazy? Yep. But there is it.

• If I succeed, I lose my Magic Cloak of Invisibility - the preferred garment of timid people everywhere. Success will draw attention to me, a thing that makes me intensely uncomfortable.
• If I succeed, I won't have to live on a shoestring, but will have to actually make choices about how and where to spend my money.
• If I succeed, I raise the bar for myself and can no longer get by with 'ordinary'.
• If I succeed, my words will be out there, on the internet, for anyone to read. Forever.

Could it really be ok to be visible? Well, maybe... Could it really be ok to have money enough and have to decide how to spend it? Heck, yeah! Could it be ok to raise the bar for myself? Absoluely - I have never been afraid of hard work, and self improvement is always a good thing. Could it be ok for my words to be out there? Yes, though it will take a little time to get used to the idea. I am a lover of words, a person who writes constantly - I have journaled for years and always secretly wanted to be a writer. The lessons and the community here at WA have made me realize I am already a writer, and perhaps it's time for others to read what I have to say. Now, the longer I look at and think about those 'negatives', the more positive they become.

And so I have adopted a new motto: Feel the fear and do it anyway! There is nothing wrong with fear - it's a normal response to a situation that may be dangerous or painful. But if there is no real danger or pain, I will acknowledge my fear and then just push on. How amazing will it be to achieve the life I want?! Even more so if I have kicked fear to the curb in the process. I guess I can't say "If I succeed" any longer. Now I should be saying "WHEN I succeed"! :)

FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!

Thanks for reading.