Making it Emotionally Through The Holidays

byacademyofspi

904 followers

Updated 9 years ago

Many people carry additional stress during the holiday season, usually associated with expectations of relatives. It is very sad that many people suffer emotionally during the holidays, a time that is designed to express love and gratitude. That suffering is most often caused by those who are supposed to be showing love and that you should feel gratitude toward; that's quite a contrast, but sadly, the reality of many people.

I completely understand how all that feels, I lived it for 20+ years until I got so sick I had to stop.

I learned during that time in my life that my immediate family (my husband, daughter and myself) was more important than extended family - no matter what. It was a hard awareness to come to since both my husband and I were trained by those who are doing the current insisting that "they" are the most important and will always hold that title. They trained us like that when we were very young, vulnerable and believed everything our parents told us.

In my Spiritual coaching/counseling practice this issue comes up every year. Most adult children feel that the owe something to their parents, so they try to do everything that is expected of them. For some families that can get to be very ridiculous, yet the adult child doesn't see anything wrong because it has been that way for their entire life. Often, when they do what is expected it is often not enough, they are asked to give more. Usually the adult child feels sad, stressed or depressed during the holiday season and by doing what the parent wants it makes the holiday even more stressful. My husband and I used to start talking about how we were going to keep everyone happy during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years in September and that stress stretched all the way into January as we reviewed in and discussed how to make changes next time.

That is no way to be an adult. If you are living like that, it needs to stop so that you can be in charge of your own life, and the life of your children. Chances are that when your parents were your age they were directing how they wanted things, and they got it. They are continuing to do that only because you are allowing them to. With every generation comes a breaking away point at which the child becomes an adult and makes the transition into being an equal with their parent. But some parents refuse to allow that to happen and are content seeing their child as a 12 year-old for the rest of eternity.

It is often very difficult for the adult child of a controlling or narcissistic parent to visualize their own life on their own terms, they have probably never had the opportunity to feel independent. It is extremely important that the adult child figure out what they need to make themself happy and then work to accomplish that.

The parents had what they wanted for too many years, it's time that the child, you, get your turn to design your own holiday to meet your needs. Chances are that when your parents were the age you are right now they had things done to their expectations just as they do now. So it isn't an age thing, as they would like you to believe. It certainly isn't a respect thing, because you deserve a higher amount of respect for yourself than you respect anyone else. It is plain and simple a selfish - it must be done my way thing on the part of the controlling parent.

Even if this is not the year that you break away from the fold and do things your own way, keep these ideas floating around in the back of your mind so that you are ready to use them next year.

Here are the steps to gain your independence. Start with the end of year holidays and move on to any other times as needed. The steps work just the same.

What do you want?
Design your perfect holiday.
Who would you invite? Who would you not invite? Where would you hold the event(s)? What foods and drinks would you offer? What day would this event be held? What would be the focus of the event itself?

What will it take to make that plan happen?
Could you arrange to have your own holiday celebration exactly like you just designed? Would doing it on a different day than your parent's event allow you to have your own needs met and still attend the expected family event? What modifications need to be made to your way of thinking and seeing things in order to make it possible for you to make your perfect holiday happen?

Remind yourself of your perfect holiday goal all year
Don't fall into the trap of letting the goal die before it even gets to see the light of day. Work at this in some way each month throughout the coming year. Find recipes and buy something to use during the party all year long so that you are building toward your goal. Share your ideas with people who will be invited to the event.

The biggest and most important thing that needs to happen is that you need to adjust your own thinking. When someone is disrespectful of your needs and you allow them to be disrespectful it soon becomes you abusing yourself by not standing up for your own needs. You can have everything you desire, if you can become a creative thinker with an adjustable schedule. It won't be bad at all to have several days that you celebrate the holidays in order to accommodate the needs of yourself and the family expectations too.

My wish for you is that this is the last year that you have to put your own needs on hold and instead accommodate someone else's needs. When you learn to be flexible and see your own needs as treasured parts of your life that need to grow and blossom you will be a much happier and healthier person.

Enjoy yourself this year as you think about how you will design something different next year. What a gift that will be to yourself.

-Wendy Mae, Ph.D.
Academy of Spirit