I dont know what more I can do?

byVDickerson

403 followers

5 years ago

So this is more of a cry for help than anything else. I have a 17 year old daughter that was placed back into my custody due to negligence on her fathers side.

I made some bad choices, as we all do, but it resulted in me going to prison a second time. My daughter was 9 going on ten.

Before becoming incarcerated I had made up my mind that the best place for my daughter to be was with her dad. Mind you I am the only reason why they had contact and I was the only one making sure that she start to build a relationship with him.

Things were far from great when he and I were together, yet I never tainted his name when speaking about him to child and I never kept her away from him no matter what the reasoning behind him and I no longer being together was.

When I was on my way to prison (WCCW) I felt confident that my child was in the right place..... I found out 3 years after my incarceration I was wrong!!

Due to a fluke, I was informed my child had become a ward of the state.... I freaked out 1 it was almost a full month before I was told and 2 I had only been told because I put in for a child support modification and the mediator had caught me up to what was going on.

I myself have been a ward of the state and the things that were done to me and sibling was terrifying, life changing and to this day still challenging. From rape to starvation, physical beatings' isolation and metal anguish I had vowed to never let another child I bore or knew become another statistic in the system.

By the grace of God my child didn't endure the sexual abuse she did in fact everything else. From being told she will never be anything, to calling every member in my said family out their names and belittling me at every chance he could my daughter became depressed.

What I didn't say earlier that I am sure y'all got the just of is that he beat me physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally and any other way possible to destroy ones inner love. At the time of our so called relationship I was 17, he 30. I didn't know it at the time but in time things came out and well lets just say he definitely wasn't sent from heaven.

After having had lost my oldest child and 2nd to death my baby was all I had left and even though he was a control l freak I never imagined that he would do the harm he had to our child.

Some say I should have known due to what had happened to me but in all actuality I never for one second thought that he would hurt her.

Well folks he did. He beat her and isolated her, belittled her and treated her like lil orphan Annie .

Every letter I wrote her while being incarcerated she kept. When I was released I went into an Oxford house so that 1 I had an address to get out to ( that way I wouldn't have to max out) and 2 I had made the decision to turn my life around and being there at the oxford house would be a major stepping stone to a better future.

So I went harder than the paint when it came to my recovery all for him to make it harder to see my daughter.

Now when I was sent up I knew that because he was a control freak and pos that I would have to jump through hoops once I got back on the streets because that was the only way or him to have control over me.

Just as I had thought he did the very thing I had prayed he wouldn and that was kept my daughter as leverage over me and literally held her hostage to where I co talk to her with out him present and she couldnt message me or call with out it being on speaker.

he hit her because she looks identical to me and he blamed her for things she hadnt done...like talk to me when he wasn't aware.

So may 6th 2014 is when I was informed of my daughters where abouts. I immediately went to the town they were living in to get my daughter. I ended up gaining custody 3 almost 4 years ago now and since then we have been through the most craziest things.

From co owning a home to being kicked out almost incarcerated and no back up plan I had felt ultimate defeat yet I didn't give up. For 1 I am not a quitter and 2 my life was in a complete disarray and I knew that so many wanted to sdsee me fail and I refuseed to give them that satisfaction.

So here I am gpoing on four years of full custody and I don't know what more to do.

MY daughter has been throuh alot. I understand how she feels and I respect her feelings. Due to the mishaps, sabotage, hate and discontent we are still here, however that is all.

I know my kid has resentments against me, I KMOW THAT SHE PROBLEY FEELS AS IF I FAILED HER but what I dont understand is the lack of respect she has for me.

I have done everything from counselinfg for family,one on ones, reached out to a few aquaintences that are youth advocates and so on but nothing that has been suggested that I have tried did any work.

I can be a hard person to talk to but opened up that line of communication with her . I went as far as us writing letters to one another that way ewe didn't cut each other off. I jhave tried and I have prayed so now I am bringing it to the community because as it stands she believes it is in our best interest to seperate and have some cooling off time....????

I believe she needs to deal with her pain and issues with me and whom ever.

I have never made her speak on it I have however pleaded for her to allow me to help and or expressed that I understand but we need to find a solution.

WE live together yet never do anything. I have offered almost everything under the sun for us to do as a family... its been three years going on 4 and it seems like she is getting settlerd in this phase and as real as its kept I am scared of losing my baby.

I turned my life arouind ten fold, I put forth the effort in many ways where she has stood still ..... what do I do???

I have given her room I have given her space it s just real sad knowing the struggles we go therough as parents to do whats best for our kids sometimes seems irrelevant.

Thank you for letting me get this off my chest ...now can I please get some suggestions. MY next 24 hours depends on it. ( because thats the amount of time I have given to myself to figure it out.)

I feel as if I have lost her and if not I will be...... I live for her, What am I to do???