Are you still raising "adult" children? If so, you're not alone!
I have adult children and adult step-children, who are still more child than adult sometimes. I used to be surprised that people I talked to at work had similar problems with their adult children. Now, I'm more surprised when I talk to a parent of young adult children who doesn't have these issues.
If you struggle while still raising children that are actually adults, here's a virtual hug/handshake/high-five (take your pick) for you to welcome you to the club, and to let you know you're not alone!
Surely, we did our best to provide our children more than we had when we were growing up, just like our parents did for us. Somehow, many of these kids didn't grow up to be any better prepared for a more successful life. Instead, they grew up with a sense of entitlement, as well as a lack of maturity and responsibility.
Raise your hand if you are doing any of these for your adult children: helping to raise their children; paying any of their bills even though they work; explaining to them how to schedule doctor appointments or filling out their new patient paperwork; showing them how to file their taxes; keeping their birth certificate for them; handling their banking, etc.
Do you hesitate when they call or text because you expect them to ask for money, or to tell you about their latest crisis in hopes that you will fix it for them? If you give or loan money, do they pay it back? Do they complain if you say anything about their money management, even as they are asking you for more of it?
Do they refuse to take your advice because they are grown, but still ask for your help to solve their problems? Do they even ask for help, or just guilt you into it? Do they call at all, or even answer the phone, unless they need something?
Do they have a problem holding a job, or managing what they do have to be self-sufficient? Do you provide their phone or insurance? Do you expect them to be on your insurance until they turn 26?
I raised my children with rules and responsibilities. I bet you did that with your children, too. How did so many of this generation grow into their young and mid-20s, with them expecting us to keep providing, and us still doing it?
My husband and I are transitioning all of our children to get them off of our payroll. He has done better setting limits with his. I'm working to stop providing for one of mine in the next couple months, when she finishes the police academy. That only leaves one, and I'm trying to restrict her support to college expenses.
I'm excited that we will soon be able to keep more of the money we earn. It's time to focus on our needs, too, and to prepare more to be ready to retire early.
Do you have an experience to share? Are you unable to stop helping because of worry or guilt? Be gentle with yourself as you tackle this. It can be heartbreaking to do this, but in the end, we are healthier when we, and our adult children, are each responsible for our own lives.
Please share your thoughts.
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I know exactly what you mean. My 24 year old has come back home after a marriage breakdown and my 19 year old has mental health problems so can't really work at the moment. One day I WILL be free lol! :)
Hi Jude, thanks for your comment. My 25 year old went to the military right after high school, but got out within a year and a half. It's been one crisis after another. My 20 year old is doing so much better. She's in college and is much more responsible, but is extending how long school will take to finish by missing application deadlines and not doing well enough in some classes. -Shannon
Our children all left the nest shortly after finishing high school and found a job. You might wonder why ? Once they finished school, they had to find a job. They were raised to be accountable and respectful. We were very fortunate. Their all raising their families and doing well. We are blessed in many ways.
Marcel...
Thanks, Marcel, for your comment. That sounds like a wonderful situation you have with your children. :) -Shannon
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Wow after just reading your blog about depression then came right up against this. Wow another post I can truly relate to. And very much the cause of my breakdown and dip reason. I have spent 2 years this week along with my husband sharing the care of our 19 year old son's daughter. Of course she is our grandaughter and we have enjoyed the time. Though it came with years of issues. From pregnancy to now at 2. We bought 70 % of the baby parafanalia twice over she never went without that's for sure. Though drained our little though hard saved savings. Then got into Uni to study to be a midwife something I wanted to do since I was 17. Baby was due as I should of started. And they were living with us. Could see this being a struggle so deffered a year. Then came issues big issues with our youngest. Obviously won't share all on here. Though needless to say I can tick many box's on your blog. Keeping birth certificates sorting bank accounts bills and getting them a home of there own. As well as helping teach them how to be parents and keep to health visitors appointments jabs and weighing. Be referre and all sorts. Just about now after nearly 3 half hard years just about getting there. Still have our granddaughter 3 & eve a week. When really hubby and I should have our time. What angers me is when people say to us. We'll what do you expect they are young. We were 17 when had our eldest and we got on with it and loved it. Plus dealt with work and collage. We had 3 by 21 time they stepped up. Youth now are to expecting. With little respect sadly. I know not all there are many that handle responsibility our eldest is one. One out of 3 ain't bad lol
I also put off going back to college because I was always worried that my oldest would need a bailout of some sort, and she did. She came back to live with me again, with 1 child and one on the way. Two years later, she's out and finally off my payroll. I choose distance over stress, which saves me emotional turmoil, but costs me time and communication with my grandchildren. It's tough, hang in there. Thanks for your comment :) Shannon