Why is Happiness So Elusive? How Can We Find It?

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People are unhappy. And they are getting more and more unhappy. They can't seem to find their way out of the everyday funk of the mundane, and see any joy that life has to offer. Why is happiness so elusive? For starters, people don't really know what happiness is. If they know where they might find happiness, they don't know how to get it. They are stuck in a quagmire of loveless desolation, and they can't get out.

How Do We Know People Are Unhappy?

First of all, look around you! People are so unhappy that they take it out on people around them. You can't walk through a grocery store without someone being intolerably rude. Road rage. Cyber bullying. Hate. These are all symptoms of a group of people just hating life.

Every year, the General Social Survey is conducted to assess general happiness in populations groups. "On a scale of 1 to 3, where 1 represents “not too happy” and 3 means “very happy," Americans on average give themselves a 2.18 — a hair above “pretty happy.” That’s a significant decline from the nation’s peak happiness, as measured by the survey, of the early 1990s." From the Washington Post

What is Happiness?

My favorite relative used to say, all the time, "I would be happy if..." One time I challenged her, and said, "Really? That would make you happy?" She had never been challenged in that way, and you could see the shock on her face as she tried to think what her answer would be. She knew she would have to say no, that the subject of the day would not really make her happy. She quit saying "I would be happy if..." after that challenge.

Very few people even know what happiness is, let alone what would make them personally happy.

Maybe it's money. Money is one of the first things that pops into people's minds when they think of happiness. Many people center their happiness goals around money and material wealth. "After our basic needs our met, research suggests, more money doesn’t bring us more happiness—in fact, a study by Kahneman found that Americans’ happiness rose with their income only until they’d made roughly $75,000; after that, their happiness plateaued." From Greater Good Berkley

So what is Happiness?

I think that happiness is an overused and therefore meaningless term. I think I would replace the word happiness with contentment, or satisfaction, or a sense of well-being.

Happiness is relative. You can be pretty unhappy presently, but happier than you were last year.

What is NOT Happiness?

Happiness is not an event that just occurs. It's not a thing that just hits you out of the blue. Poof. You are now happy.

It's not a finite state. Happiness is not a finish line that you cross. "And they lived happily ever after." You have to work to keep it. Outside influences can occur that can dash any hope of being happy, and you have get it back or find it again.

Happiness isn't handed to you. It's something you have to work for.

It's not black and white, as in, you are happy or not happy. It's a fluid state that fills up the low spots, and pours over from the high spots. You can have dry spells, or days when your feet never touch the ground. It goes in and out like the tides.

Happiness isn't only an overall feeling. It can be very specific. You can be happy and unhappy, both at the same time. You can be happy in your marriage, but unhappy in your profession, or happy with your home, but not happy with your living room paint. And again, that relativity aspect kicks in here. Are you more happy or less happy overall, even if you have aspects of your life that make you unhappy?

Do I Have a Happy Marriage?

Well, those of us who do have "happy" marriages understand that it isn't all about the ecstasy you feel at the moment you fall in love with someone. Marriage means giving 110% of yourself. It's about hard work, and finding a way to laugh through the hard times, and working together and being nice, when you really want to throw a hot coffee cup at someone. It's about short, tiny moments of pure joy, separated by day after day of drudgery and dirty dishes and traffic. It's about finding the delight in the little things that occur every day, among countless mediocre moments that run over a lifetime. It's about building a precious thing from a handful of little happy moments, and a million of meaningless pieces of life. It is not easy, but it is very rewarding.

So maybe it should be called a "rewarding" marriage instead of a "happy" one.

There are times in a "happy" marriage where there's nothing happy about it! But you get up the next morning, shake it off, say your sorry for your part in the disagreement (because you are always at least partially to blame, so don't be self-righteous about it!), and move on to the tasks at hand.

My happy marriage means: Security. Comfort. Companionship. Sharing. Fun. Forgiveness. Support. The future. All of these grow over time. They don't just occur, or drop out of heaven, or come in a tidy little wrapped box.

Am I a Happy Person?

I would say I'm content, or satisfied, or have a sense of well-being. I know for sure that I'm much happier now than I was as a child or a young adult. I know that I've worked really hard to be happy, and I think my work has paid off. I know that I go throughout my day with a smile and a happy demeanor. I love to laugh and joke and have fun.

Could I be happier? I suppose. I make good money, but we still live paycheck to paycheck. If I could change that, I would be a little happier. But I know that at some point, that issue will right itself. Besides, I'm the type of person that is always looking for an opportunity to learn and to grow. And I know, as I go on, that I will be happier because I will need to satisfy the want to learn. So, yes, I could be happier, and someday I will be.

What "Makes" Me Happy

I'm not sure that anything could "make" me be happy. I know I feel happy under certain circumstances, and feel love and therefore happiness with people, places, and things. Here's a list:

  • The love I give and receive from my husband and family
  • The deep sense of pride and joy I feel for my children and grandchildren.
  • My secure, healthy, and warm home.
  • My daily hot shower
  • A car that starts and goes. And stops.
  • Sleep
  • Coffee
  • Interesting work and other activities.
  • Creative outlet. Coloring, drawing, bead work, writing.
  • The satisfaction that comes from finishing a project.
  • Doggies and kitties
  • Fun. Funny movies, games, books, jokes, stories, songs.
  • Silence and time alone.
  • Music and dancing.
  • Making and eating an excellent meal.
  • Giving to others.

These and many more things induce a feeling of contentment and satisfaction for me.

What Makes You Happy?

Studies have shown that naming or writing down the things that make you happy on a regular basis, actually does increase your happiness. This is something therapists have used for decades on depressed patients. So I challenge you all to write down something every day that makes you happy. Perhaps if all of us practice identifying happy moments, then we would all gradually quit being grumpy and we might catch a glimps of that elusive glimmer of happiness we all crave.

References:

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/happiness/definition#how-cultivate-happiness

https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2019/03/22/americans-are-getting-more-miserable-theres-data-prove-it/

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Recent Comments

10

Life....we are so blessed
I agree with your list
TIM

Hi Rhonda, I think happiness is everywhere. Sometimes we may look too hard, when it is right in front of us. Like the man who was looking for a four leaf clover, when it was in his hands all the time.

Cheers to happiness,
Michael

Awesome thoughts for the day Rhonda. People do often chase happiness as if it was a final goal. You are right on target when you choose contentment over happiness.
Happiness is temporary, Contentment can follow you all the days of your life.
Thanks so much for sharing.
Ray

Most of the things on your list make me happy as well. I would add to my list, nature, flying, and little children playing in the park, they are so cute to watch. I used to love taking my kids to the park and watching and playing with them.

Thank you for posting this
Greg

The following link makes me happy

https://youtu.be/SJUhlRoBL8M

I almost forgot about this. Made me smile as much as it did back in the day.

Thanks for sharing
Greg

I'm happy it made you smile, Greg.

Cheers mate,

Brad

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