Still Seeking.

byRobin1962

133 followers

6 years ago

You would think by the age of 50-something, I would KNOW myself pretty well, …right? Wrong. I do not know if I am anymore, or less, self-aware than the next person, but I do know that at this age I am finally BEGINNING to realize things about myself, and to recognize life-long patterns that have clearly directed, if not dictated, my life.

It’s easy for me to look back and see where specific decisions have taken me down specific paths and to specific outcomes, (like the decision to get married and have kids at an early age). But it’s less easy for me to understand the compulsions, yes, compulsions, that have driven those decisions, and why they exist.

I have come to understand that I am often co-dependent in my relationships.

I have come to understand that I sometimes have difficulty setting and respecting boundaries (this goes hand in hand with codependency).

I have recently learned that while I can be independent while on my own, within the context of a relationship, I struggle with being independent.

I am a big believer in talk therapy, and have turned to this industry over and over again throughout my life to help me in dealing with specific situations that have arisen…with my kids, with my spouse, etc. Even if all it does is to make me feel like I am “doing” something to gain control of the situation, it’s worth it and it works for me. I seem to need that kind of support and validation that I am doing the right things. I like to think at those times that I am taking ownership of my issues, knowing that the only person that I can truly affect change on is myself (everyone knows that, right?).

But now, with all the distractions and daily responsibilities of raising children long gone, I am able to pay more attention to my behaviors and hopefully address them at the root, once and for all. I’ve always heard that being aware of an issue is half the battle. Well if that’s true, then I’ve been half-way through this battle for years now. Now it’s time to deal with the OTHER half of the battle, the actual changing of the behavior.

Enter hypnotherapy. I’ve had one session so far, and already my understanding of what is truly happening within me has increased. Apparently a battle is going on between my subconscious 5 year old self, and my fully conscious adult self….and guess who’s NOT winning???

Did you know that your subconscious accounts for 80% of your mind and your consciousness only 12%? Hmm, so THIS is why, against all my logic, reason, intelligence and will power (conscious), …my EMOTIONS (subconscious) take over and cause me to behave in ways that even I can’t explain!!

Does anyone else struggle with this? Am I the only one? Or is no one else bothering to look inside and pay attention? I don’t know which, all I know is that this is MY reality.