Thankfulness

byPeteyRNMom

113 followers

5 years ago

My Story

I had my daughter in college during a time in my life when I was not prepared to be a mom. I wished with all my being that I could go back in time and rewrite my story.

In high school and undergrad, I was searching for myself in dark places and my self-esteem was super low. After I discovered I pregnant, I considered adoption, then abortion, then adoption again.

I knew in my heart that abortion was not the best option for me at the time, so adoption was my final choice…so I thought.

I am adopted, so I do have a natural bias for adoption. I think it is a wonderful option, but I understand that it is not for everyone.

So, I chose a family. The adoptive mom came to an ultrasound with me. I met the adoptive parents’ 6 month old who would be my daughter’s sister. I thought this perfect little chosen family was the plan for my daughter, even though the emotional pain I was experiencing was the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

Through all of this, I was dealing with a man who I thought was my daughter’s

father at the time. This also added negative stress to the situation. Long story short, my daughter’s father is not involved in her life at this time.

Two weeks before my due date I bawled my eyes out in front of my mom telling her that I could not go through with the adoption. I couldn’t place my daughter with strangers and risk never knowing her. It just didn’t settle well with my soul.

Side note: The photo to the right reminded me of how becoming a mother changes your heart forever. No matter if you are an adoptive mother, birth mother, you’ve lost a child, or had an abortion, etc., you are a mother and you matter!

I just want you to know that YOUR STORY MATTERS <3

The Hard Part

In tears, I called the adoptive parents and told them not to fly to Nashville because I had changed my mind.

Silence fell…and I felt my heart break and the adoptive parents’ hearts break. They were so angry with me, understandably. I cannot imagine what it really felt like for them:(

They said some hurtful things to me, but then I handed the phone to my mom when I was crying so much that I couldn’t say anymore.

My mom was there for me and I don’t even remember if I said thank you to her for her unconditional love and support in those moments. I was so caught up in the emotional aspect of the situation.

I have said thank you since then, but I wish I had told her how thankful I was in that moment that she stood up for me and her grand baby.

The Thank You Dealio

I am ashamed of all the times I have taken my mom and other supportive family members for granted.

I live with my parents, my daughter has a beautiful room to call her own, I’m saving money, and I am in graduate school. I am BEYOND blessed, yet I tend to focus on what I DON’T HAVE in my life.

I thank my family for all they do for me…but I don’t always recognize how special and meaningful the phrase THANK YOU can be to someone.

To get to the point of all this: When I say thank you, I often feel like I say it without being intentional.

I know this may not be the case for everyone, but I think we get so used to saying thank you during the day for simple things, that we don’t remember or recognize how meaningful the phrase is.

So, Who And What Am I Thankful For?

I am so thankful for the opportunity to be a mom. I am still learning how to be one, and some days I probably wish I wasn’t one, but I was blessed with a beautiful ‘little me’ to raise and nurture, so that she can go out and change the world.

I’m thankful for who I was before my daughter came along, who I am with her, and most of all, I’m thankful for those in my life that make it possible for me to have her at all.

I’m also thankful that we all get 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th chances in our lives, and so on… Thank God I have had more than several opportunities to change!

And don’t worry, I understand that not everyone is a Christian. I’m on my own journey with God and I am far from perfection or having a good relationship with Him.

I am a skeptical one, but I sense that I am not made for this world and that gives me some comfort. I am also thankful for that feeling, even if my belief is not all there:)

Who Or What Are You Thankful For?

Every week I do homework, think about my blog, and spend time with my daughter and family. In the busyness of my life I often forget to thank those in my life for supporting me and just being who they are in the world.

Thanksgiving is the perfect time to say ‘thank you’ or ‘I love you ‘to those in our lives who we are close to, acquaintances with, or estranged from.

Make that phone call, send that text, write that letter, or go see that person and talk with them.

Cherish what you have and focus less on what you don’t have.

So… Who or what are you thankful for? Please leave a comment if you feel led to!

Blessings,

Petey