The big big disclaimer

byJHaugland

4.9K followers

6 years ago

I was sitting here writing out a privacy policy, affiliate disclaimer and all the mandatory boring stuff that we need to have when I came across a text stored in the dark corners of my computer.

I found it in a folder that contained a backup of a website I had back in 1998, so it's already 20 years old. Obviously back then things were not that serious, and also the target audience for my site was nerds (no offense to anyone) so it was the type of people who could enjoy humor like this.

Today it's funny to read because we have to write our disclaimers as semi-legal documents, and we can laugh about what we could get away with back in 1998. So have fun reading.

The big big disclaimer

These pages may reflect the thoughts, opinions, ideas of myself and possibly of those who administrate the pages linked to mine. It does not reflect the thoughts, opinions, and ideas of my friends, my family, my flowers, or any person I might or might not know. All rights reserved. All lefts reserved.

The pages may be changed at any time without any notice. Beware of the dog. Pixels may appear closer then they are. Forget the dog, beware of owner. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. No dry cleaning. Any resemblance to other pages, living or dead, is purely coincidental. As seen on TV. One size fits all.

Do not fold, spindle or mutilate. Type hard, you are making five copies. No substitutions allowed. The pages are provided "as is", without any warranties expressed or implied. Not liable for any damages due to stupidity, use or misuse or inability to understand. User assumes all liabilities.

Don`t write below this line. Send money. Quality may vary. Batteries not included. If defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return to an authorized service center. No parking. No one under 16 admitted. Keep away from sunlight, pets and small children. Limit one per family. Send more money. Since web pages are hand-crafted, small differences will appear in each object. No alcohol, dogs or horses. Hold the onions.

Parental advisory: explicit source code. Cache and carry. You don't need to be present to win. If unable to exit Windows, use door. Action figures sold separately. Apply only to affected area. Do not eat. For recreational use only. No purchase necessary. All models are over 18 years of age. This side up. Available in fine stores everywhere. Take a number, please. Preservatives added to improve freshness. Safety goggles must be worn at all times. Sealed for your protection. Call before you dig. If a fatal system error is detected, press F13 to avoid.

Eight-ball goes in left corner pocket. Add toner. If rash, redness, irritation, or swelling develops, discontinue use and consult your local bank. Store in a cool dry place. Keep away from open flames. Avoid contact with eyes. Place stamp here. Use only with proper ventilation. If smoke develops, run, do not walk, towards the nearest exit. Keep away from magnetic sources. You are not in Kansas anymore.

Drop in any mailbox. Not affiliated with the CIA. Proud sponsor of the local chapter of the old hackers home. Made from 100% recycled electrons. No animals were used during developing and testing of the pages. Slippery when wet. If ingested, do not include vomiting. The white zone is for passenger loading and unloading only. Push button, pull door. No cash stored here. Autopilot is engaged during flight. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Please allow four to six seconds for delivery.

This disclaimer does not cover hurricane, lightning, tornado, volcanic eruption, earthquake, flood, whatever Bob does, use, misuse, neclect, repair, attempted modification, bugs, icorrect line voltage, exessive use of alcohol, cosmic rays, attempting to view the pages, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiaton from nuclear blasts, and incidents related to airplane crash, ship sinking, motor vehicle accidents, leaky roof, alien attac, broken glass, falling rocks, mud slides, holiday slides, forest fire, flying squirrels, alien abduction, verbal assaults, house arrest, exessive beating, overload, high speed, or plain stupidity.

Other restrictions may apply.