Smile.Though Your Heart is Breaking

byjessbarz

344 followers

Updated 9 years ago

My last two weeks have been extremely rough.... to say the least. A bomb of incompetence went off where I work and suddenly everyone was in the crosshairs. After the worse day I have ever experienced, it was Tuesday, I have realized that it is really starting to point toward a desertion of my post and a new one here.

The Fantasy

Without going into detail, lets just say that Tuesday I had to participate in a sit down meeting of epic proportions. Tempers were high and people's voices quivered as they talk. I could quite literally feel myself tremble with a tremendous surge of anger as I spoke during that meeting. In fact, I was shaking my leg trying desperately to calm myself. I can't eat and I can feel my heart beating rapidly even into today from all the stress. When the meeting was over, the black cloud that has hung over my place of employment turned into a fog of blackness.

Before this horrific meeting, I had the most incredible fantasies of what I was going to say. I saw myself shouting all kinds of obscenities and just being very angry. I saw myself marching off my job and out into this wild world. I saw how I was going to take care of myself financially while this business bloomed under my full time supervision. I was almost elated at the thought of having a good quit story and a full time website dedication.

The Reality

Sadly, I did not march into the meeting, tell everyone off, and march out into the world. I got bereted for being an incompetent buffoon just like my co-workers and went back to my desk with my head hung down. In the last 48 hours, things have gotten so much worse. I feel like I am walking on egg shells and I get to hear all about how no one else was wrong. I am just tired...

I am tired of being so stressed I can't eat and my heart is beating so fast that I might get an anxiety attack. I am tired of my mind racing and sleep comes because it is so exhausted. I am just tired.

The Smile

So even on the worse day of my life, there can be a silver lining. Part of my job means I have to work with a large number churches. So I get to meet all kinds of pastors. One of them happened to show up about 1 hour after this meeting. I saw him coming and waved and smiled as I was joking around with some co-workers not part of that meeting. When this pastor came up to me, he said he could pick me out of a crowd because of my infectious smile and laugh. He told me to never stop smiling and laughing because it just suit me so well.

I don't know what made him say that, and you can draw your own conclusions, but I loved that he said it. It came right at the best time in my day. It made me shake off what had happened and just smile.

The Point

So here I am, dedicated more than ever, because I have seen what the future holds. I have figured out a way in which I could work as an affiliate marketer, not making money, and yet still be able to support myself. I may be a little too practical to just up and quit tomorrow, but I feel as though everything is telling me leave where I am and devote myself to this 100%. There is so much more of an impact I can have in people's lives when I am not faced with the bureaucracy and general BS that comes with working for someone else. I will become my own boss. Nothing can stop me now!