The Persistence of Anxiety

byidb1977

196 followers

6 years ago

I'm not sure why anxiety is so persistent in my life; I think that it has a lot to do with the inability to separate myself from certain things. Memory, for instance, is generally classfied as a good thing, but not all memories are good. Last night, my mind became flooded with past situations, people, and experiences. I was unable to stop thinking about all of them; I began to worry about whether or not I would see them again, etc., to the point that I was near a state of panic.

Panic isn't a good feeling for me. It felt like space in general was closing in on me, which doesn't make any sense. I know that people suffer from claustrophobia, but I wasn't in any enclosed space. I even stepped outside onto the front porch, and the feeling continued. I know that talking to someone would have helped, but it was so late that no one else in the house was awake. I felt totally alone as the space around me imploded on itself in my mind, constantly fearing that I would be sucked into it.

I paced around for awhile and tried to find something to distract me. I put the dishes away and cleaned up the kitchen, which helped temporarily. I finally sat down on the couch and watched a review on a painting by Salvador Dali titled The Persistence of Memory, which he painted in 1931. By the end of the video (which lasted about 10 minutes), I felt a little better and was able to get into bed once again. I was exhausted, but the feeling of anxiety was so intense that I was not able to do anything else.

I guess that I'm writing this because I know that I'm not the only person who deals with anxiety. Anxiety is a very common condition that only seems to be increasing in prevalence. The fact that the associated fears are mostly irrational is irrelevant, and the feelings of anxiety are very real. Fear, however, loses most of its power if it's shared with others; in order to exert control, fear must keep us from exposing it.

I was on medication for over 10 years for anxiety in the past, and it was very effective in decreasing the unpleansant feelings of anxiety. However, it never dealt with the root of the problem, and increasing doses of it were needed to achieve the same effect. Being open about it helps me because I know that I'm not alone, and I hope that it helps others who are afficted with anxiety.

Now that I feel "normal" again, last night seems as if it could have taken place 100 years ago. The fears that seemed so real then now seem distant and unrealistic, as if they were the monster under my bed when I was a kid. I know that they'll be back again, when I'm alone and vulnerable, but I'll hopefully be better able to deal with them at that point. If you suffer from anxiety, whether it's constant or just occasionally, know that you're not alone out there. The more that we know about it, the less mysterious it is and the less power it has. I hope that this helps a least a few others out there like myself.

Ian