The Mindset for Goal Setting

byadminlfe

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Updated 4 years ago

Over the years, I have talked to many people about their personal goals. Since beginning my experience with WA, I’ve read the goals that new members set for themselves. Across the board, I see the same things happening. I’ve come to the conclusion that most people honestly don’t understand how to set goals they truly believe they will be able to achieve. I’ll tell you why I say this in just a minute. First, however, let’s look at what research says about goals—how they are made and achieved, and why they are so difficult for people:

Goal Making:

How people make goals:

Every year, around the holidays, and specifically, between Christmas and New Years’ Day, people everywhere focus on the tradition of making New Years’ Resolutions. Studies show that most of these goals (over 70%) only last two or three days, and ultimately less than 8% are ever achieved. Over a period of time, people generally either stop making New Years’ Resolutions, or if they do participate in the tradition, they do it knowing they never intend to actually achieve the goal they make.

Why is this?

Again, research shows that New Years’ Resolutions that are made in earnest have such a low achievement rate for many reasons, including:

1. The person making the goal was doing it to please someone else, or because someone else told them they should do it. For example, making a goal to lose weight because the doctor said you should or because you think it will make you look better for your partner doesn’t create the impetus to actually do the work necessary to achieve the goal.

1. The goal set is impossible to achieve. For example, I once had a young adolescent client who shared that a major goal in his life was to be a member of another race because he thought people he knew from that ethnicity had an easier time in life than he did. He struggled to understand why the fact that it was biologically impossible to change races made that an unrealistic goal.

1. Often times, people choose goals that are either overwhelming causing them to give up in despair before achieving the goal, or they become underwhelmed—becoming bored and losing interest in achieving the goal either because the level of difficulty is too high, or it is just plain boring and they lose interest.

1. The goal is not realistic in being able to be achieved. An example of this type of goal was the client in my practice who came to me and announced she had decided she wanted to lose 30 pounds before her daughter’s wedding. At first, it seemed like a good goal—until she told me the wedding was in two weeks.

1. Finally, some people who set goals don’t achieve them because they fear the process of success. This sounds a little strange—after all, who doesn’t want to be successful? But sometimes, especially when one’s confidence is low, the risk necessary to achieve the success can be daunting. Additionally, sometimes there will be additional responsibilty that comes with achieving the goal that people are not sure they want to take on. In these situations, people often choose to abandon the goal rather than face the risk.

All five of these situations will derail a goal so the goal maker gives up on achieving it. We have all used one or more of these types of examples in our daily lives. The upshot is that people do not achieve their goals because they engage in thinking patterns that set them up for failure. With a little bit of reflection, we can look at what happened when we did not achieve goals in the past and use the information to change the way we think for the future.

The Mindset Needed

So, what does it take to avoid the pitfalls that stop your ability to achieve goals? In the next few paragraphs of this article, we will discuss some actions and interventions people have found helpful.

Addressing the Fear Factor: The key to being able to address your fear is being aware that what you are feeling is the fear of either failure or success. A large part of the personal development process for each of us is getting to know ourselves better. A key part of knowing yourself is being able to understand and identify the emotional and physical responses you are getting from your mind and body. I found, when working on this for myself, that simply asking myself “What emotion am I feeling that goes with the physical response I am experiencing?” For example, when I am feeling fear, I get a knot in the pit of my stomach and I feel panicky. I have learned to associate those things with the awareness that I am feeling frightened because I want to avoid something. With practice, you will be able to have close to complete awareness of what your body is telling you. After you have identified the feeling, you can then ascertain why you are having the experience by questioning yourself again and using reflection to understand the circumstances that brought the emotions about. That knowledge will make it easier to come up with a solution to the problem.

Dream Big: One of the things I have typically seen with people I’ve taught how to set and achieve goals is that they fear failure to the point that they are unwilling to risk taking the chance to succeed, or they have been socialized to believe that presenting themselves as being willing to accept mediocrity is more acceptable than pushing themselves to success. Sometimes this fear leading to mediocrity is in place because there is someone else, or a group of other people they are afraid will not accept them if they succeed. The secret behind this is to make goals that are important to you, and to achieve them the best way you can without causing harm to others. Allow other people to take responsibility for their own feelings instead of masking your needs by changing your behavior to avoid inconveniencing them, as long as what you are doing does not actually cause harm in a manner that is against your beliefs and values.

Tailor your goals to your actual ability to do them. Do not set goals that are physically or biologically impossible for you, in your current physical state. However, be careful not to allow your fears to underestimate the possibilities. For example, a person who is biologically male cannot physically give birth within the current confines of science, so a man’s would have to tailor his goal to have children by using creativity to determine a way to do it that is physically possible. You also need to be aware that your ability changes over your life span. While you may not be able any longer to run a 5-minute mile at age 72, you can adjust the expectation you set for yourself to make it physically possible, yet still challenging enough it will engage you.

Don’t try to Impress Someone Else: Do not set a goal that you base your desire to achieve it on what it will do to improve someone else’s existence. Achieving a goal solely to please someone else sets you up for virtual failure from the beginning. You are responsible to yourself. Other people are responsible for the goals that will provide the pleasure and satisfaction they want and deserve.

Be honest about your willingness to succeed. During all the phases of the goal-setting process, constantly assess your willingness to do what is necessary to complete that part of the goal. If you sense any reluctance, identify the feelings involved and reasons for the feelings, then explore the viability of the goal, making the choice to change your attitude to facilitate achieving it as written, adjusting it to fit your circumstances and make it viable, or abandoning it all together. One of the attitudes I see lots of people working on is the process of fostering a “Can-Do” rather than “Can-Not” way of thinking. We grow up believing “we can’t”. One of the first words we learn to understand and speak is “No!” This translates into consistent natural impulses within each of us to withdraw from and avoid anything unfamiliar. It takes effort to stop the negative self-talk and convert it to a mindset that promotes openness and success.

Make Skills Training a Sub-Goal. You may discover that you lack the skills or knowledge necessary to complete the goal you would like to set. If this is the case, there is no need to abandon the goal. Simply make learning the skill part of the plan to achieve the goal.

Make a Commitment. Because many people never totally commit to doing the work necessary to achieve their goals, they often become discouraged when difficulities arise or lose interest in achieving the goal over time. Some ideas that will help you avoid this are:

• Say it out loud—Stand in front of a mirror, look yourself square in the eye, and state your goal out loud. Repeat the process a minimum of three times daily. This practice is called using an affirmation, and it has been shown to be effective in facilitating change. I also like to record myself stating my goal on my cell phone. This way, if I feel the need for a pick-me-up in attitude adjustment, I can play the recording. It never fails to help me get back on track.
• Write it down. I always recommend to clients who are serious about personal development and goal setting that they maintain a Goals Journal. This book allows them to write down their goals and record their progress by journaling daily. It provides a problem-solving resource to go back to if the situation warrants it, and it is a physical cheerleader to allow the goal maker to have a visual reference detailing the progress they have made. This is especially effective for people working on complicated or long-term goals.
• Develop a plan. This is also a written document. Just as a teacher provides a lesson plan to guide them in what needs accomplished in teaching a class, a written goal plan will provide a map of what needs done and assist scheduling of goal-related activities. I recommend it be kept with the Goals Journal.

• Share with a Goal Buddy. Sharing your goals and progress with someone else has twofold benefits. First, a support system increases the likelihood of success in achieving the goal in question because you have a built in cheerleader as well as someone to talk difficulties out with, and second, having a goal buddy helps you hold yourself accountable so you stay on task, on schedule.

Being Accountable. Your success in achieving your goals is your responsibility alone. In order to self-actualize and develop personally, you need to organize and track your progress, taking responsibility for the outcomes and any changes along the pathway. Using the following methods will help you be accountable to yourself and provide information that will help you succeed.

• Review Progress on a Regular Basis. Schedule regular appointments on your calendar with yourself to evaluate the progress toward achieving your goal. During these times,

• Use the Goals Journal to explore the patterns of progress, identify weak areas, and determine what adjustments need made.
• Re-evaluate the long-term goals involved in the project and adjust them to define what you want to do toward goal completion before the next scheduled review.

• Remember to be fair—Don't get caught up in negative self-judgments and vilefy or second guess your progress. Just accept things as they are and determine the best way to move on from the current point.
• Follow through with action—put the revised plan into place until the next review and repeat the process.

• Break Down activities into bite-sized pieces that make it easier to achieve the smaller tasks that will accumulate to successful completion of the large tasks.
• Schedule tasks to be completed on your calendar and complete the tasks as scheduled.

Celebrate or Make Lemonade. At the end of each task or phase of the project, Celebrate your successes. If the goal is struggling, do as the saying says to do: “When life gives you lemons—make lemonade!” Rather than beating on yourself for your failures, return to the re-evaluation phase of the goal, make adjustments, and follow through with the adjusted plan.

Using these techniques will help you focus on achieving what you want to do, and provide a roadmap and successful method to ultimately achieve your goal.