A Light in the Dark

byvarah

139 followers

8 years ago

I have been away from WA because I have been so incredibly depressed and lost. I didn't know what I wanted in life anymore. I had a job and I was doing well, so I thought. But that didn't last long like I hoped.I thought good that means I can focus on my art and writing but I lost my creative drive. I lost my passion. And I'm slowly getting it back.

I am a human being. I have goals, dreams, passions. I have anxieties and insecurities. I have likes and dislikes. I have expectations and hope. I made mistakes in my life and I am trying to fix them. I am 21 years old and I am not where I want to be in life. I don't have a stable job and I fear that I may never have one. I barely managed to graduate high school. And I somehow got accepted to a college but I dropped out.

I didn't like school and I was convinced that it just wasn't for me. Just like I'm convinced that working a 9 to 5 just isn't for me. I may be right. Or I might be letting self-doubt convince me to not try my best. I may be letting my anxiety keep me from even starting a new project. I may be letting my depression weigh me down. And in all honesty... I tired of that.

I am so done with saying "I'm going to change" "I'm going to stick with it this time" and "I want to be better but..." I'm so tired of creating schedules and setting goals but only completing one task or get through half a week (more like a day or two) on that schedule and giving up.

But I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stay focus on my goals. I don't know how not to procrastinate. I don't know how to stick to a schedule. I keep watching Ted Talks and reading blogs for personal development and the keys to success and happiness. Searching the interwebs for the answers to my plight.

Sometimes I'm inspired to do something I saw in a video or read an article. But then I get discouraged again. I let the anxiety stop me in my tracks to self-improvement. I let the depression of not completing a goal weigh me down. And that is something I have to stop doing. I have to change my mindset.

Thing is, I've known I should do this for years and for some reason I have not done that yet. Why??? Because I was too comfortable in my life, not ideal, not exactly where I want to be, but I am comfortable. I have a bed. I have food, not a lot but enough to keep me alive. I have love in my life that makes me happy despite the obvious cloud over my head. And my parents weren't forcing me out the nest so I thought I could take my time. I was being Codependent while dreaming of being Independent.

I don't want to burden my parents anymore. I want to make them proud by getting my life together and finally being the Independent young women they've always wanted me to be. But I don't want to do this just for them of course. I just want to be free. Free from the stress of not being where I want to be in life. Free from the stress my parents put on me to be better. And free from the stress of not being with my love. Also, I want to be happier in general and I know I will be happier if I were financially independent and had my own space.

Today my dad sat down with me and we went over what I need to achieve that goal. So now I have a roadmap or blueprint rather. And a very vague starting point. I don't exactly know what kind of career I want. I started In IT. But I'm not passionate about that anymore. I want a job that I'm really excited about doing. Doing something I care about. But I'm not very good at dealing with people. I can tolerate working with people but at the end of the day, I will get stressed out from just being "on" for up to 8hrs a day. I am an introvert and I need my alone time to recharge.

So what kind of job can I have that doesn't require too much social interaction, something I'm passionate about and gets me excited enough to wake up early to do it??? The first thing that pops into my head is being an artist. I love the satisfaction of completing a painting. Even though I don't know how to properly articulate what it means. But I haven't done a good job of sticking with that. Because my mindset was stuck on comparing myself to other artists.

I felt really good when I woke up early, had my tea and breakfast then painted something, recorded it and uploaded it to Instagram. But I have not done that in about a month. And my mindset had been stuck on hating myself for not being the artist I want to be. Then I think about how much work goes into being an artist these days. I need a website and I have to build a following, I have to make something truly amazing that someone only views for like 5 seconds, likes and keeps scrolling.

When I think about that the anxiety gets worse. I keep thinking that there is no way I can stand out in a crowd this large! And that keeps me from continuing to pursue this goal. That keeps me from bettering my creative skills. And I settle for less. A job that I will be unhappy with. A meaningless career. An aimless existence.

I don't want that. I want a meaning full career as an artist and a writer. I want to be a beckon of light in my own darkness. And I want to encourage someone like me they can be happy and successful in this world.

I found yet another ted talk about overcoming procrastination but this one stuck with me. And I think this is the breakthrough I've been needing all this time.

Here is the video:

"One must do an action without any expectation of the fruit of that action." - Do work without any expectation of a reward or a fear of consequence.

Murthy's Method to Mindful Metacognitive Meaning:

In order to succeed one must set a concrete specific goal. Eliminate distractions.

Only feelings of positivity must surround this endeavor. Acknowledge errors and put a positive spin on it. "Tomorrow will be a clean slate and a new opportunity to make better choices!"

Acknowledge the feelings of the success of completing a goal or Acknowledge the feelings of guilt and anxiety of not completing a goal. Recognize that it didn't feel good when you avoided completing a task. Accept the joy of completing a goal. Self Reflection is Key!

At the end of the day take some time out to feel grateful to be able to work towards your goals in the first place.

Write in a reflection journal.

I think this targets all of my struggles with procrastination as well as anxiety and depression. This is what I've been told to do all this time but for some reason, this speech from a high school student gave me the final push to better myself once and for all.