Paranoia of a New Mom
Paranoia of a New Mom
I am a mother of a beautiful ten-month old daughter, who is the light of my life. She
was born on April 10, 2018, I felt overjoyed but at the same time paranoid. I started to think of all
the evils of this world and desired to protect her from everything that can come to harm her.
Hospital ParanoiaWhen I was in the hospital, I did not want to leave her an inch to even go to the bathroom because I feared someone might steal my child.
If that were to happen, I would not be able to bear that because I had a difficult pregnancy and the first time I saw her in person, I knew she had stolen my heart forever, so I could never bear losing my child.
I took my baths when her father came for visiting hours and if I definitely had to go to the bathroom, the other mother beside me in the other bed watched her closely.
I never let her sleep in the incubator that the hospital provided, she slept right under my arm every night and day until the very day we left the hospital. This is my way of preventing her from being stolen!!
Home Paranoia
Giving birth made my nerves on edge, the least little thing made me quick to argue and cry
hysterically, and this is what men would call PMS (premenstrual syndrome).
I never wanted anyone but myself to bathe or clean my daughter, because I never wanted her to get used to too many hands touching her naked body.
All I could think about was the high rate of molestation in our society and how I would never want her to experience that.
When she is old enough I will teach her what is good and bad touch. It took me months before I allowed my mother and sister to clean her, let alone bathe her because I wanted to be in control of everything when it came to Saraphina.
Even when I was at home and wanted to take a bathe, I made sure that someone was always
watching her because I was fearful of something happening to her such as: her choking on her
puke, or she stifles herself with one of her blankets. If I was in the bathroom and I heard her cry, I had to come out of the bath and check to see if she was OK, if I found that my mother was not
giving her much attention I started to quarrel because I hated to hear her cry.
Though I sound impossible but that’s just how on edge I was in the early stages of motherhood.
As time passed the impulsive arguing went away and I became much calmer.
Giving her a bath and taking care of her needs is my way of bonding with my daughter. It gives me joy to wake up to her smile or fussiness every day. I am trying to be the best mom for her, although I
question myself sometimes if I am doing the very best for her or am if I’m making the right choices.
Although I am calmer now, I am still over protective of her.
One day her dad took her on the road he did not tell me where exactly he was going, all kind of thoughts ran through my mind like; what if he left her with someone and they harmed her in any way, what if he met in an accident and my baby got hurt how would I cope.
I called him every five minutes to find out how she was doing until she got back home, to my surprise they just went across the road to the plaza.
Though you must be saying this lady is crazy! Though the feeling, I used to roll my eyes, shake my head and laugh when I heard other mothers talking and say to them you are just over protective and crazy.
Well now I have landed in the same boat and I love my type of crazy.
Motherhood has made me into a fearful person, who constantly thinks of the dangers of the
world and how they might impact my daughter’s wellbeing and welfare.
I have not gone back out to work because I am worried about leaving her with a complete stranger. I wonder if they will take good care of her, treat her fairly, understand her tantrums, and give her enough attention.
It is my desire to work from home because I can’t bear the idea of parting from her.
These are some issues I struggle with has a new mom, who is trying to raise my daughter into a loving, care, understanding, godly and pure soul that will be able to shine her light on the world when the time is right. Wish me well on this wonderful journey and I hope I will mature in to a less anxious parent in the future
Recent Comments
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Good morning my friend, after reading your blog all I could feel was that you are a good mother. The instincts that the heavens gives mothers shines through your writing. I applaud your efforts and your love for your child you are indeed a very good mother. May you have a successful week my friend.
Thank you, I appreciate your feedback. Enjoy your week too.