An idealist at heart

byORobson

236 followers

10 years ago

Me: My names Orlando and I'm an idealist.

IA crowd: Hi, Orlando, welcome to Idealists Anonymous.

Me: I know the glass isn't half full... or half empty. I know the glass isn't even empty, the glass is a funnel which we pour our water into so that the sneaky crowd under the table get to drink for free.

IA crowd leader: Very good!

Me: All the same, I can't stop myself secretly wanting to be an idealist...

Him: That's because you're addicted to delusion. It's a drug. Idealism: As sweet as sugar but as unforgiving as cocaine! Tell yourself: reality sucks! Live in the real!

Me: Actually, I was thinking of trying online marketing...

Him: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, you are seriously messed up! Here at Idealists Anonymous any ray of hope, no matter how hairline, is completely banned! Remember our slogan: 'There's nothing new under the sun'.

Me: I went premium on WA!

Him: What's that mean? Wacked-out Anonymous? HAHAHA! Or should I say "PMSL"

(AI members laugh too hard)

Me: Wealthy Affiliate, it's like a cross between a social network and a university for entrepreneurs...

Him: Ohhh, we're an 'entrepreneur' now, are we? Going round searching for your 'niche'? Keep dropping French words like that and before you know it you'll be calling yourself Françoise and eating Brie with a woman called Amelienne! On a bicycle! In a stripy shirt!

Me: I probably won't use that many French words.

Him: Don't you know that absolutely everything online is a scam? Google it. You'll find every Tom, Dick and Harry has written a review saying that they know someone whose dog knew a man's hamster whose uncle's neighbour's brother-in-law was once scammed by Wildly Effeminate!

A different AI member: I thought he got scammed by Healthy Invertebrate...

Him: He was scammed by absolutely everyone! He got scammed by himself, he was that gullible!

Me: So what is the objective of Idealists Anonymous?

Him: It's really simple: blame everyone else for our lack of success so we can spend the day binge-watching Netflix without feeling guilty.

Me: Yeah, I figured as much. I think I'll go back to being an idealist.

Him: You'll be back.

Me: Let's hope not!

Him: D'oooh! You said the H word!!!!