Your Beauty vs Your Inner Nightmares
My name is Nichola, and I struggle with anxiety, body acceptance, family acceptance, and self acceptance, this is my first blog.
Being myself, seems like it's my biggest struggle in life when it shouldn't be, it absolutely shouldn't be. But unfortunately it is and as much as I fight it something ends back firing or something else tears me down. Now I do not come from a very strict conservative family but some members are, especially one who is supposed to be your mentor, and supposed to accept you for who you want to be ( obviously it's different if you become a murderer or something). Despite me becoming a decent human being, who is loving, kind, I care more about the earth than anything else in this world, but I still like helping people especially women. After all of that it isn't enough.
I am a creative person, but a job that allowed me to explore that wasn't good enough, I wanted to work animals, but someone told me I wasn't smart enough to be a vet (even though I was accepted, I didn't go for another reason), that meant other jobs relating to animals didn't pay well (which didn't bother me) but it bothered them, because for them it's Money or Happiness. That's not me, it's been always happiness before money but hey if I can have both then why not? As long I am happy then that is what is most important to me, but as of now I am a chemist and going on for 10 years. ( this job is still not good enough for them... I'd either have to join the military or be SUPER rich)
I have made leaps to change my life for the better, and it's taking a long time and bravery on my part. In 2011, I quit my job as a chemist and moved across the country to start over and I ended up getting a job again as chemist. ( I no back where I started.... stupid right?) However moving across country did upset those unaccepting family members, because I had no job (at first), knew no one (moved in with strangers), and not close to family.
8 years after I stayed at that job and continued to work and to work on myself, but just within the first 4 months I fell in love....in love with the wrong person (for 3 1/2 years). He could have been a really great guy except for the fact he was sick. Even though pretty much EVERYONE around me told me to basically get the hell out! ( but if you're like me you think you can fix it, but in reality you can only help people if they are willing to help themselves). The relationship became mentally abusive, even more so after it ended, and after I moved out.
Needless to say my anxiety got worse, and I went into depression, for a year and even after that I started missing work. I remember laying there just thinking how did I let this happen ? Because you never think this crap ever happen to you but it does and sometimes you have no control over it. All of that thinking had me feeling weak, stupid, pathetic, unloved, and afraid but mostly weak. Being weak was or is one of my biggest fears, because I always thought I could be strong and handle myself in those situations but it turned out I was wrong, and me feeling weak made me feel even more depressed. I always felt like I was strong person until that happened,andd thinking I was weak was the worst feeling in the world to me, and I let it get to me for nearly two years until I finally started seeking help because I was tired of feeling sorry for myself.
I had dreams, and for a while I didn't think I was good enough and thought it was pointless, until I had enough. That was the last person who was going to bring me down, and after a few months I got up to courage and went back to school. I did it to pursue my dream with makeup...that's right! MAKEUP!
That was 2 years ago, and i've been doing it on the as well as being a chemist, and trust me I still have the same non-support from the same individuals as before. Trust me it still gets me down but not as much as before, because now I use makeup as my outlet along with fitness, tattoos and my love for vintage fashion, which evidently none of those of which I said is approved by those family members. It's bullshit I no but there are some people you can't change.
One thing I was told from one of said people was that " I should live my life depending on what my family would think of me" I will honestly say this that quote no matter how messed up it is goes through my min every day and it is something I have to shake. So you no what I am doing about it now? Overtime I have that thought I make sure I do something extra that makes me feel better about myself, that is ME and no one else. Then that thought disappears, so now what I want to do now is show people how you can come out of this by BEING you!
This is my first blog, that will be followed by many others, with makeup and fun fashion, and health and fitness, plus my online courses.
This blog is for you to get to no and for those who have similar problems.
Thank you for reading!
xoxoxo
Recent Comments
2
This was a great read well done! Noticed a couple of spelling errors. Last paragraph “min” should be mind. And “no” should be know.
😘
Hey, Nichola!
I was excited reading your post because my website is exactly about the same you're sharing here.
My website is passionfromscratch.com and my purpose is to provide to the people useful tools giving them a different insight about passion in life.
I think you've lived enough pain to be able to stand up and start following your passion. For me, that's amazing!
I would appreciate if you check my page because I know you'll find some things that are going to be useful for you.
If you enjoy my website you can send me a private message to talk more about this topic. I'm extremely passionate about building passions in life and I can feel that you've achieved it! I would like to know your perceptions of life.
Anyway, excellent post.
All the best!