There is no such thing as a Diplomatic Incendiary!

Anytime we feel vulnerable or we are challenged, when important issues at stake have uncertain outcomes, when our self-esteem is compromised, when we care deeply about what is being discussed or about the people with whom we are discussing it, there is potential for us to experience the conversation as fractious.

We all have conversations that we dread and find unpleasant, that we stay away from, evade as much as possible.

We wonder if it is possible to be so tactful, or overwhelmingly pleasant that everything ends up fine. The stuff of everyday life, conversations that feel more ordinary but cause anxiety nonetheless. Interactions we put off when we can and stumble through when we must. The ones we practice over and over in our head, trying to figure out in advance what to say and wondering afterward what we should have said.

What makes these situations so hard to face? It’s our fear of the consequences - whether we raise the issue or try to avoid it.

There is no diplomatic way to fire a friend, to confront a co-worker’s hurtful prejudices. Diplomacy is good, but is not the answer to difficult conversations.

Delivering a difficult message is like holding a combustible material, handling explosives. There is no way to throw over hand grenades that won’t cause damage, no matter how gently it’s thrown.

Choosing not to deliver a difficult message is like hanging on to a hand grenade once you’ve pulled the pin.

We need advice that is more powerful than “ Be diplomatic “ or”Stay positive”. The problems run deeper than that, so must the solutions.

No matter how good you get, difficult conversations will always challenge you. We know how it feels to be deeply afraid of hurting someone or of getting hurt. We know what it means to be consumed by guilt for how our actions have affected others, or for how we have let ourselves down. We know that even with the best of intentions, human relationships can corrode or become tangled, and, if we are honest, we also know that we don't always have the best intent, We know just how fragile are the heart and soul.

So its best bet to keep our goals realistic. Eliminating fear and anxiety is an unrealistic goal. Reducing fear and anxiety and learning how to manage that which remains are more obtainable. Achieving perfect results with no risk will not happen. Getting better results in the face of tolerable odds might.

And for that, most of us, is good enough. For if we are fragile, we are also remarkably resilient.