Finding my way-My story

byMaghdalena

928 followers

3 months ago

My story, I guess is two-fold. On the one hand, it’s spiritual and on the other side it’s practical. And I felt caught between the two for the longest time.

I’d always seen myself as spiritual, especially starting with my very early teens. I got baptized, like most people in my church, around 14, but I felt like something was missing. I didn’t know what, but it was missing. At least for me. I started visiting other churches, then decided to leave the church scene altogether.

Fast forward to the early 2000’s. My husband and I found the radio show Echoes radio show. For anyone who doesn’t know about this, it’s run by John Diliberto, and he profiles New Age and World music artists, and their music, and has interviews with them. Because of that radio show, we were introduced to kirtan. Of course we didn’t have a name for it then. My husband called it “Hindu Gospel”. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew I wanted to hear more. It made me feel good, and started to want more.

At first I started getting Rasa albums, as many as I could find. I became absolutely obsessed at finding as many artists and albums of this Hindu gospel. Eventually, I learned it was called kirtan. I found them, courtesy of the streaming service, and E-Music at the time.

That led to my next nexus, self-development. Some of it didn’t work very well for me, since I tended to be distracted a lot, but I did learn about not just self-development, but metaphysics, which struck a chord with me. Just seeds at the moment...until I starting looking into places to learn it. I first went for secular, because I felt that Victory Infopublishing was going to be secular. I reallly did at the time. So I tried the Institute of Metaphysical Humanistic ScienceInstitute of Metaphysical Humanistic Science, and gave it a fair shot. I did well, and I liked the head of the school, but more and more, it felt like it wasn’t enough. I needed a spiritual element that wasn’t in their space. So I remembered hearing that Dr. Joe Vitale studied at the University of Metaphysics, a correspondance school/distance school, that was part of International Metaphysical Ministries. And it connected so I enrolled. I enrolled in 2014, so eleven years ago, and I started my studies.

Things went well for a while, but I started to realize and wonder if I wasn’t in over my head. I’d read, and had no idea what I was reading or what even preceded it. So I put them aside for a few weeks or months till I decide what to do, maybe more than a little scared.

While this was happening, I found Dennis Becker, and liked what he had to say. I liked his story, and I really connected with his book that I had in my Kindle library, Bootstrap Marketing.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Mr. Becker's work, he wrote 5 Bucks a Day back in 2006 how he "cracked the code" of online marketing with small projects and a mindset shift. If you want to take a look at what he has to offer, just go to Dennis Becker Central. This isn't an affiliate link, by the way as I'm not an affiliate at this time. He's been a profound influence as have Kyle and Carson.

I really liked the book, and that there was only 5 models to choose from, but while 3 models really spoke to me, I didn’t know which to do first. I was so confused. What struck me was that there were two straight models that didn’t ‘feel right’ for me, being Freelancing and Affiliate Marketing. I didn’t have anything against affiliate marketing, I just didn’t have a clue at what to pick as an affiliate partnership. And I couldn’t see doing a review site, so that left three. And that’s where I got stuck. For a decade! I would waffle between the Niche Marketing, but I liked the Kindle publishing

I knew I wanted to work on my Victory Infopublishing, but I didn’t have a clue as how even to get started. And I got side-tracked a lot. I was preparing, but I didn’t know what I was preparing for.

This went on for about a 7 years, then I started getting inklings that I just might have ADHD. I took some of those self-tests, and printed them out and showed them to my physician’s assistant, who didn’t think I had it, but when I named symptom after symptom, she agreed to look into what the problem was. Because I just couldn’t seem to start what I wanted and I just couldn’t focus. She had me take a Sleep Apnea test, and yep, I had that because I was just always exhausted. I got a C-Pap and it did well, I wasn’t choking anymore, but I was still exhausted, so I told Sarah about it, and she got a hold of the place she wanted me to get the assessment, and to see a nurse practitioner.

Long story short with that, I was diagnosed with ADHD combined type, a generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and reaction to very stressful situations, and I got a prescription to the generic version of Ritalin.

By this time, I had heard about Pat Flynn and how he had blogged notes for a test he was taking. When he was finished, he just left it there for anyone else who was taking the test, and it inspired me.

Could I do the same with my metaphysical studies, start over, begin again, since I was having trouble even reading what I had begun. This was 2 years ago, mind you, but I took a chance and got a domain name; Forever Evolving Mind, and started to blog, but I was still even more confused. Which site was I supposed to do first. More wasting time…I thought, but things were starting to happen behind the scenes that I didn’t know about. Things were starting to become clear.

I was still confused about the model, but I knew that Forever Evolving Mind should have the “Blogger” and Victory Infopublishing but I would bounce back and forth.

Things came to a head this past month, I was about to have cataract surgery, and I was no closer to a solution, then something occurred to me. I had originally thought of including Victory Infopublishing having a spiritual slant, then I got lost, and started going secular. But the first way, the original way was better. And my new therapist I was assigned asked me a question, because I told her my issue, that I had two sites, but I didn’t know what to do first, the Victory Infopublishing or my personal blog, Forever Evolving Mind, and I was still clueless about about my terminology for Victory Infopublishing. I don’t think I was really ready for Victory Infopublishing. but I was stuck with both.

I saw something Dennis wrote on a post. My ADHD brain can’t just remember which group/community it was that Chat GPT was a little limited in answering, but there were other AI models that could do more, if you had Poe. Well, about 3 months ago, I decided to give Poe a whirl, and signed up for their most basic membership, to see how much I would use it, then I could always upgrade. So, I chose one that looked good, Claude Sonnet 4 and asked my question, being as complete what I could first about if Victory Infopublishing was even feasible with a spiritual slant. The answer shocked me. It was actually better than it would have been as a secular site. My first intuition was correct, but I second-guessed and over thought it. So after more questions, I brought up my metaphysical interests and that I wanted to blog about my studies, but that I had ADHD. And well, I was running into familiar issues. But also that I was rather obsessed with kirtan chanting, I heard one, and like most people with ADHD, I started collecting as much kirtan as I could. Well what started as a few questions, turned very quickly to a coaching/therapy sessions, that for me were very cleansing, just to get out everything, but it advised me that since I didn’t have the terms for Victory Infopublishing, that Forever Evolving Mind could be my testing ground, a beta test, where I would be the subject, and case study. That I would be the proof that my Victory Journey, as I call it, actually worked. And then it hit me. I could and needed to give myself permission, but not just permission, but approval.

Like a lot of ADHDers, I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and I depend a lot on external validation, but from the time I was a small child, I just never got it, all that much. I never really had the support of my family, and having the problems I had (I was born without a thyroid gland), and apparently it rewired my brain, and then it was decided I was hyperactive, and immediately put on Ritalin (from 1965 til 1984 when I went off it, because the doctors kept saying I didn’t need it. I finally was ready. Things I wanted to do always, or almost always, were about permission, approval, and if I got it wrong, I had to start over from scratch. So, this was a shock, but I finally allowed myself and gave myself permission for the first time in my life. And something just synced up. It’s like there was this audible click. In my mind at least. I let go of Victory Infopublishing, put it on pause, let it gestate. And surrendered, I guess would be the term. And something happened. Forever Evolving Mind started to come alive. That’s the only way I can describe it.

And the business model? It resolved and solved itself: the Blogger model”

Claude, as I call “him” in my mind, had given me a lot of ideas for posts, starting with a post about starting over, themes, series, things started to accelerate, with dizzying speed that hasn’t really stopped.

What am I going to cover? Well, since I have ADHD, I’m finding I need to approach my metaphysical studies differently than the average student. Meditations, for example in silence, seated, don’t really work on me. In the old days, before I was married, I had a route I used to walk the route with old cassette tapes, and my mind would just float away. Like I was in trance. So for me my learning and meditation need to be done with music. One of the styles of music that really works for me is kirtan. It helps me slow my mind. Not to be so overwhelmed, and also holds back even solves the anxiety and panic. At least I’m not panicking all that much anymore.

And I’ve started picking up my guitar, not played for maybe 10-15 years. And before that I hadn’t really played it for 40 years or so. Since before I got married. I’m learning now that I’m not just musical, I live, I thrive on music, and I can add that to my metaphysical studies, as I find what works and what doesn’t work as far as music. It seems to be devotional, orchestral music that’s expansive, think David Arkenstone, William Coulter, anything on Echoes.org ( radio show profiling world and new age music. It’s trial and error. But I’m finding out what works with my ADHD, and music is the hub and is connected to my ADHD and everything else. My mind is evolving every day, and I’m finding connections I never just saw before. I see vistas, and possibilities, and with that discovery, I don’t seem to have the confusion or the “Shiny Object Syndrome” issue like I used to. I don’t impulsively spend like I used to. Finding the connection….There are no words.

I’ve had help along the way. Not just what I call corporeal, but I’m talking about the Gods here. Apollo, the Greek God of Music, prophecy, mathematics, inspiration, leader of the muses. Nike, the goddess of Victory, Hemes, the god of communication, and a psychopomp, and even Baron Samedi, I’ve had guidance from them all.

I’m still evolving, and now that I know my direction, who I am, which I’m learning more and more. I seem to be on a real heroine’s journey. I’m just starting, but I seem to be moving at light speed. So, from feeling spiritual but no direction, I’m finding that my direction is evolution, and documenting it with my site, Forever Evolving Mind, I can find out more, and maybe take others on the journey too.