Alone in a Crowd
It's been a bit since my last post, been busy, but glad to have some time to actually sit down and write some of my thoughts in my head. The book I've been writing is actually getting somewhere, and I'm really excited that it has taken off the way it has, as well as the opportunity that I've had to learn and grow in the last few months.
Something that I've been writing in the book "The Science and Art of Social Influence" talks about crowds and how a person can feel isolated in a crowd. The question is how can we become part of a group instead of feeling isolated from them.
Well the social scientific solution is you either exert dominance the way a male lion will fight another male lion for the leadership in the group, or you make an offering. Now the first solution doesn't translate well into human social situations. No one wants a pissing contest or a full out brawl at all. That's rude, and you'd never make any friends. The solution actually comes from most pick up artists, and social engineers. Ones purpose is to get the girl, the others is to gather information. They both use somewhat different and similar tactics, but I'd like to focus on two.
The Create Value approach:
The way to do this is simple. You come up to them, confident, and energetic. Ask them if they saw the lady fall, or the dog outside barking. Or did you hear about. The topic isn't that important sometimes social engineers will make this up, but the truth is always preferable. The idea is that you bring more than a conversational topic. Bring energy to the group. The topic is the flint and the energy is the fuel. If you do this right it's like igniting a fire in the group that sparks conversation. Ask a few questions to the group, or pick out a few of the strangers, and that's all there is to it. Everyone will talk about themselves given the chance, just ask follow up questions when you can, but realize the group will move on. Here's where social engineers, and pick up artists will single out a mark and engage them in conversation. That's okay to do as long as you've given the group attention as well. If not it comes off as rude. But that's the gist of it.
The Reciprocity of a Favour:
Reciprocity is a social tendency of others to feel a closeness to someone who owes them. The fact of the matter is that in helping someone else, you get a rush of a chemical known as serotonin, sometimes dopamine depending on the situation. The real value here is they feel good, because they've helped you, and so you approach the group and say something like. Hi sorry to ask but, can I ask you for a huge favor. Now no one wants to say no to this. They look bad, and in a group setting social pressure is working in your favor. Continue and say I'm waiting for a friend but they haven't showed up yet and I hate standing awkwardly alone. Is it alright if I hang out with you till they show up? In almost every case they'll say sure and completely invite you into the group, where you proceed to get to know them. But, ultimately this has to end as you either see your friend or say you do or go over to either another group or a person.
If you aren't waiting for a friend, I'd tweak it and say either that you hate being at these things alone. Tell them they look like they're having the most fun and it made you want to join them. Or that a date cancelled.
The point of saying you're waiting for someone just tells them that ultimately you aren't going to cling to them all night.
The point of saying someone cancelled, is a pity hook, but they look like they're having the most fun makes them want to bring you in.
Do what works for you, these are two of the approaches to join a group, but here is my absolute favorite.
Create your own group:
Now social groups grow and shrink, but the inevitability of it all is that there will be outcasts. And what do they want? Well the same thing you want. To be part of the crowd. So you take the role of creator, and rope some of them into the group. First person is always the most difficult. I'm not saying it's hard, just that they will take the most convincing. Now circle around and talk to the ones who aren't groups, say we noticed you were alone and wanted to know if you'd like to join us. It's just a situational notice. We notice you're alone, or we thought you look like a ton of fun would you like to come and join our table? It's really just about what your feeling at the time. But ultimately as your group grows other groups take notice.
Here's where your group can take over another group. You just come over and ask the group to join you for a game or drinks or conversation.
I love running social experiments, so anything I write about or research I have to try for myself. I was at a work event, and first joined a couple of groups using both. That's easy stuff, they were friendly kind and I made friends rather quickly, I didn't stay long though, and moved on to those who were by themselves. Asked them to join me, and soon enough. There were eight people in the group. This is where my connections from earlier with the other groups came into play. I walked over to a previous group and said I'd like y'all to meet some of my friends. They were amicable came over, and soon enough 8 became 17. And because I was the link between the groups the topic was on me. This is where the science of influence comes in.
Already I've brought in 7 people from the outside and brought them in. They are grateful to me for bringing them in. Now this transfers over to the other group who have just met me minutes earlier, and now I'm introducing them to others at the party. Now because they are in a group they feel safe, but they'd still like to get to know others, and I've done the work for them. When you introduce people to each other, a position of influence is created, and people start to talk about you. Before long my boss meandered over and started talking to me. Said he'd heard some great things, and wanted to meet with me the next day at work.
The next day he asked me to manage a team at the company and all I did was bring two groups together. Influence is your most powerful tool, if we learn how to cultivate it.
Looking forward to serving you
-Josh
Recent Comments
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I am often considered the gatherer of people. I love mutually beneficial connections. Nice to meet you, Josh!