My Body Hates Me
I have arthritis. Some day this will no longer surprise people and they will stop saying, "but you're so young!" When that day comes it will probably hurt my feelings. But for now I have to endure people trying to tell me what I can do about it, how I can manage it, and how I can "reverse" the effects. Ha, that's a laugh. I've had it since birth so if anyone knows how to endure the pain it's me. I have a high tolerance for pain and when I was a kid growing up in humid Japan I decided I would not let the arthritis run my life. So I built a pain wall and barreled through it head on. Putting up a pain wall had its advantages but of course there were disadvantages too. When I was two I bit the tip of my tongue off and after doctors sewed it back on I sucked it right back off. (You can't tell by the way and my speech is fine). When I was four I sat on the waffle iron and didn't notice until my mom asked what was burning. No, I do not have a waffle print or a scar of any type from the incident. I have been very lucky. Until now.
Because of the wall I put up, my stubbornness, and lack of advanced medicine during the early stages of the disease my rheumatoid arthritis has progressed to osteoarthritis and spread to multiple joints. Miraculously the only joints with "deformities" are my wrists and left toes. I can pull off normal. I've lost most of the cartilage from my right knee and right ankle, and there's no telling what damage my hips have endured. There are days when I can't walk because the pain is excruciating or my knee buckles from under me. I have passed my threshold for pain into unknown territory. What used to work to help me endure no longer does.
But nobody wants to read about a pity party and everybody likes a happy ending. I might be in a lot of pain right now, even as I write this, but I dare not dwell on it nor give up. I am too young to curl up and die plus I have a lot to be thankful for. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have a man who loves me more than anything and is willing to endure the bad days by my side, in spite of what the future holds. I have a son who makes me laugh and is by far my favorite gift from God. I have hope in WA to help me achieve my goal of quitting the rat race and no longer have to commute to a job in pain. I have a family, although spread across the globe, tightly connected through love and prayer. I have a good life. Arthritis does not define me - it's just a nuisance.
So what is my message to others with arthritis? I feel your pain, however only you can know what your pain threshold is. Don't over exert yourself to the point of damaging your body faster, but don't sit on the sidelines and let life pass you by either. As far as medications go - yikes, that's another story. We tend to become immune to whatever we take, which means taking more potent drugs and blah blah blah. Like I said, another story. Hang in there!!
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Thanks Amanda for this incredible post. You are such a strong and courageous woman - a reminder to all of us of how grateful we should be for everything we have in our lives, the first thing being, to be woken by God every morning to see a new day and have a new beginning! Keep on keeping on - you are a huge inspiration :)
Annjelyn
Thank you Annjelyn. Fortunately keeping on is all I know how to do, and I know that comes from the grace of God and my family's constant prayers. Plus hereditary stubbornness. That doesn't hurt either. Ha.
My Mom has it too, and she is like you.....high pain threshold. She had both hips replaced and 1 revision done on one hip, but she is not giving in to pain. I like your attitude!
I'm sorry your mom has to endure it. Tell her she is a warrior and to stay strong. I'm sure replacements are in my future but fortunately not yet. Thank you for your encouragement.
Amanda, I know from years of sports injuries and just plain ol' heredity that I have issues too. I realize too that medications cannot help so I just suck it up and wobble on. Hang in there and use your mental faculties to be the woman and person that we all need to hear from. You can rock it and be strong!!!! :)
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Amanda, thank you for your incredible article. I have had OA for many years. I also go without arthritis or pain meds. My doctor says I have a hugh tolerance for pain. But, some days I don't think i can take it any more. I am scheduled for a hip replacement but at the moment I am too high risk for surgery. Thank you for letting me know how lucky and blessed I am.
Oh I am so sorry to hear that. I know what you mean about those days. Those are the days when I want to stay in bed and not be bothered. Don't talk to me, I might bite your head off. Fortunately my family knows why I'm grumpy and try to help make me comfortable before leaving me alone. If I'm at work it's another story... Hang in there and try to keep looking for the positive in everything. It's hard to do, but that's what keeps us going. Keep me posted about your surgery. I'd like to know when/if you have it done. Stay strong!!