Fear Of Confrontation Or Confronting Fear

So after the euphoria...is that to strong ? probably. Start again..the last few days have been 'full-on' a bit of a whirlwind...didn't know whether I was coming or going...didn't have chance to come up for air...is that enough cliches to describe it ? I think so, no need to labour the point.

All good though.... I had almost succumbed to your friend and mine, procrastination. I can justify my time and efforts with the best of them but having a good connection, nay, an honest one, with my inner self, led me to know I was putting off one part of the SAC assignment. Sure, I was steadily working through all the other tasks but one just kept moving from list to list to list.

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Maybe it was the sheer volume of numbers that was giving me pause..or that that just isn't the way I put togther my content. Whatever it was, it was making me drag my feet....so I did what I normally do, put it in my minds 'simmer' pot and carried on with other stuff, namely trying to finish the OEC training... This was nearly complete, I was coming round the final bend and into the home straight...what was waiting for me in the last furlong ?

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You are having a laugh...really ? Isn't that sometimes the way it is though ? The one thing you are trying to avoid or are hoping doesn't happen...does.

I did laugh though...what else could I do...nothing for it but to just get on and do it. It was inevitable in some ways... That's just the way life is...predictable or unpredictable, depending on your way of looking at it.

I was originally going to write about fear and how we can over come it or, as in many cases, try to avoid it. There are certain things in our life that we're not to keen on...as we get older and have more control and can take steps to avoid them. Some of us relish being able to confront them. Obviously the task of 50 keywords doesn't fit with fear...it didn't make my stomach do roly-polys..but it was something I wasn't looking forward to but could nothing to avoid.

Two things come to mind. Heights and confrontation...there now, named and shamed. The first is clearly definable. The second, not so much, for it can come in many forms. Over the years I have developed strategies to overcome both. Well, I say overcome..more avoid... Avoidance works if you are able to foresee and that is not always possible.

Confrontation... a spat, an altercation, a disagreement and probably many other ways to

describe it. I'm sure we can all come up with many examples of how situations can arise that will ultimately result in some sort of confrontation...here it would be with words...behind the safety of a keyboard. Outside, in the physical world, it can be more..challenging. I choose to avoid both, wherever possible. The words "Do not mistake my quiet and gentle spirit for weakness" actually work quite well for me...in fact, it has to be said I do get some pleasure from not engaging and therefore not adding fuel to someone elses fire.... I say this, as I have had an instance ,in the last day where I was tempted to take umbrage...yet, having not, I feel almost liberated. A sense of inner calm. I'm sure that was not the desired outcome..oh well.

Sometimes words without the benefit of facial nuances can be misunderstood, we misinterpret the 'intent' and therefore react from our own standpoint. There is quite often much more behind what is said than we are privy to. 'Todays News-Tomorrows Fish-n-chips Wrapping'

Best talk about heights before I go... Now I suppose we're into another level of fear. Rational or irrational ? Both maybe. It's healthy to be wary of heights as falling from them may not be the most pleasant of happenings. I'm not even sure where this came from, for me. Certainly nothing that occurred in my past that I can think of...anyway, fear, phobia, rational or irrational...the feeling that manifests is not one to relish...nausea, stomach tuning over and over, a sense of 'detachment'...this can be just from being up a ladder... I jest not.

All those feelings and emotions, the one that is the hardest to convey to others is....wanting to jump...at a cliff edge...it's not so much the worry of falling, losing your footing, it's more.. I wonder what it would feel like to fall..an urge to step over the edge... Anyone understand that ?

So going back to avoidance..sounds like a plan to me, yet there is also the need to conquer the fear, ironically...to confront it... if only to have that particular monkey off our back....

Many years ago I had the opportunity to go to Paris for a three-day excursion...a cheap deal

through a newspaper....what was on my bucket list ?...Yep, go up the Eiffel Tower. Right to the very top.... Why ?...well, I wanted to see if I could and I was also intrigued to see if it had any positive ramifications... I did do it and it didn't have any positives as far as banishing the 'fear' of heights in the future. There is mesh all around the upper echelons, the wires crisscrossed, making apertures about 2 inches square....my head was telling me if I got to close to them I would fit through and plunge the thousand feet to the Parisienne walkways below.

For me it was important to at least try. How would I ever know what the effect might be. Now I am at peace with all of it...it is what it is...as Dick Sutphen puts it "What is, is"... Do I still want to jump off that cliff edge... Yes, probably, now I don't choose to go near one.... Do my 'hackles' go up every now and then and make me want to let forth a poisonous spiel... Yes, probably, then, I think, why give them the satisfaction of knowing that their words have hurt...they'll soon move on when nothing comes back....and I will still be unburdened by the guilt that follows when emotion has taken over.

There we are, ramble over, now back to work...where's that list.

Be well.