Posting on X Saved My Life (Satire Edition)
Local Man Claims Social Media Platform is the New ER
In a groundbreaking revelation that has doctors questioning their career choices, local resident Gary Mullins recently announced that his life was saved, not by medical professionals or emergency services, but by his sheer dedication to posting on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
"It happened last Thursday," Mullins explained, his eyes still wide with the disbelief that accompanies every near-death experience.
"I was having what I now know was a massive heart attack. I felt this sudden, excruciating pain in my chest and my left arm went numb. Naturally, my first instinct was to tweet about it."
Mullins, a self-described 'digital nomad and meme enthusiast,' immediately took to the platform to pen what he assumed might be his final tweet:
"OMG, think I'm having a heart attack. #YOLO."
Within seconds, his notifications exploded, not with messages of concern or advice to call 911, but with GIFs of kittens and memes about how Mondays are the real heart attack.
"It was incredible," Mullins recounted. "Here I was, possibly dying, and my phone was buzzing with likes and retweets. It was like the world's most uplifting last rites service."
According to Mullins, the distraction provided by the bombardment of notifications and the dopamine rush from all the digital attention actually kept him calm enough to mitigate the severity of the attack.
"I always thought 'likes' were just a meaningless form of validation, but it turns out they're a literal lifeline. Who knew?"
The incident has sparked widespread debate over the role of social media in healthcare. Dr. Susan Heartly, a cardiologist who has not yet signed up for X, expressed her bewilderment.
"We always encourage patients to manage stress and seek medical help promptly. I didn't realize tweeting about it was an option. Should we be prescribing smartphones instead of statins?"
Meanwhile, X's owner, Elon Musk, has reportedly taken interest in Mullins' story. Inside sources reveal he is considering launching a new feature tentatively titled ‘XER’ for urgent, life-saving interactions. Inspired by Mullins' miraculous survival, Musk tweeted:
"In future, heart attack? Just tweet it. We'll heart you back to life. #HealingThroughX."
Mullins, now recovering and enjoying his newfound viral fame, admits he has learned an important lesson.
"If you’re in serious pain, sure, you could call for an ambulance. But if you want to really feel alive, tweet about it. It literally saved my life."
Experts remain skeptical, but Mullins is undeterred. He’s already planning his next health scare tweet, certain that if a heart attack couldn’t stop him, neither can any skeptics. "Next time, I'm thinking: ‘Choking on a pretzel. Need Heimlich, but only from verified accounts.’”
Stay tuned for further information on this breaking news.
Recent Comments
2
Highly amusing, Michael. I can see the benefits of X.
Cheers, Jenni.
Glad you enjoyed it.