It's been one year and a lot of changes
Last Update: Sep 29, 2022
It's been one year to the day that my mom passed away. She passed away from this mortal plane and moved on to the next (I believe heaven).
That picture is of me and my super handsome grandson at my mom's burial.
This is the story of the changes that have happened since her death. It is a bit longer than what I usually write and I suppose it can be a bit morbid in places. I'm just telling you this upfront because this doesn't have a whole lot to do with my WA journey, just my life journey in general. If you prefer not to read it, I won't be offended. In fact, since WA doesn't show me who reads or who doesn't read it—I won't even know.A Life-Changing Experience
That day has literally changed my entire life and not always in good ways. I didn't think I would ever survive my mom dying. There are some days, like yesterday, when I am not sure I survived it at all. I think I sat and sobbed most of the day. I didn't know a person had that much moisture in them! (It is a good thing I had a lot of coffee!)
I kept thinking how a year ago was the last time I saw her alive. It was breaking my heart. Today is a lot of the same. I actually think I am sadder today than I was when she actually died.
We were all at the hospital with her when she passed away. My sister, my spouse and I were the only ones in the room with her (except maybe my little brother who had died in 1980—I think he was there too and took her hand and led her home).
She had been unconscious and not responsive all day. When my dad and nephews and niece decided to go downstairs to get something to eat, my sister and I decided to play some music for mom.
Her favorite song was Amazing Grace and she loved the country singer Alan Jackson, so we found a version of the song with him singing it.
During the song, toward the end, I noticed a change in mom. I knew instantly that she was gone.
It was like she needed to hear that song and then it was okay to go.
My dad and nephews and niece came back to the room just 30 seconds after she was gone. The doctor came in and verified that she had died.
It was a difficult day. My sister and I had to make the decision whether we would keep her on life support or have her be on comfort care. Her kidneys had stopped working the day before and because of the situation with COVID (she did not have it, but the hospitals were full) we couldn't get her into dialysis anywhere. The doctor had advised us that she probably would not survive an ambulance ride to the nearest hospital that might be able to do it which was several hours away.
When she actually died, my sister and I both questioned if we had made the right decision.
The woman who had been there for me since birth was now gone after 55 years.Infinite Possibilities
I had already paid my money and had received a sizable scholarship for a training course to become an Infinite Possibilities coach. The first class was on September 30. Despite the pain and despair and having to plan a funeral, I also had to do my certification course. It was something I know my mom would have wanted me to complete—especially since I had to pay for it!
It was a difficult time, but I think the lessons I learned in the course also helped me get through the horrific loss. I graduated from the course and received my certificate the day we put my mom's body into the ground.
In hindsight, I am very glad that I completed the course. I have used many of the principles that I learned to help me through some difficult times.Another "Death" of Sorts
My profile here at WA says that I am "happily married most of the time." That was true.
In the hospital room, my spouse had told me not to "push away." But, I was actually the one that got pushed away.
A few months ago, my spouse told me that we were not going to be together anymore. We would still co-parent our granddaughter, but we will no longer be a couple.
On top of the tornado and the house getting damaged, to hear this news was like a knife grinding into my heart. If you are married or in a serious relationship/partnership, I think you get the gist.
I'm not supposed to be suspicious or question all the time that is spent at "just a friend's" house. I am not supposed to question "windows being washed in the middle of the night" at the "just a friend's" house.
We had a big fight last week where not only gauntlets but also cups were thrown. By me, of course, because I can't control my temper.
But we won't go there...
Through all of the deceit and despair, I have missed my mom so much. She would have been there for me. She would have helped me navigate this. She would have listened.Building a Business, Again...
So, I guess I do have a little something to say about my business.
I have wanted to build this business of mine for so long. When I found WA I knew that I had found a home. But for about a year I had done nothing with it. I think my last video and blog post was a few days before my mom died. I had done nothing since.
Now I have renewed my fire in spite of all these "deaths" that persist.
I am not looking for sympathy, just letting you all know what has been happening with me and the struggles that I have been dealing with on a personal level—which ultimately do affect my business and its growth. Sometimes I question why I had never fully quit the newspaper business, but I guess I know why now...
I just needed to talk to someone. I haven't been talking to anyone about any of these things. So thank you for listening/reading.
If you are a friend of mine on Facebook, you can see the video that I created about mom.
Have a lovely weekend!