I used to live in fear; now I live for it

byIrmaStretch

892 followers

7 years ago

I recently came to the conclusion that all of my recent health problems and workplace injury's came from one place- my mind. I dislike going to my job with such an intensity that it affects everything that I do at work, including hurting myself. My most recent injury is a 55% tear in my right shoulder rotator cuff. I have not worked since Feb.1st of this year.

While I spent the first 2 months off work alternating between depression and anxiety (anxiety about returning to work), I had enough time to figure out that I have been living a lie. Telling myself that I like my job and the people that I work with, in the hopes that things will get better. What I really wanted in my life was to take my daughter and live on an island in the sun, and rent bicycles to people in Spain, like the guy at the end of the first Bourne movie. Or go pick seashells and fruit like they do in the gamecube game Animal Crossing.

Seven years ago, I was given the option of have my job cut in half or move to another community and taking my seniority with me. I was bitter that after 16 years, these were the only options for me. I was upset, and what I really, really wanted to do was sell my condo and move away to some beach somewhere. Every single person that I told that to told me how wrong it was. How irresponsible it was for my child. How selfish I was being.

This is just one more example of how I put my intuition, my feelings, my desires to the back burner so that I could keep up appearances and "do the right thing". Now I have been here for 7 years, and feel bitter and betrayed by my employer once again, as they move to dismantle my workplace and displace me.

So I am done with all of that. When my job finishes in July, I will be moving on. The fear of the future that I used to have, because I was NOT living my dreams, is gone. Now I only look ahead to what the future is bringing to me. And the fear that I have is one of excitement! Even on days when things go immensely wrong, I choose to look for the silver lining or the lesson that I need to learn and I put what I have learned into my toolbox of things that I can handle.

No one is going to decide how I should live my life anymore. Sink or swim, it is all on me. And I am choosing to be successful! Happiness is a choice, and so is winning!!