Frustrated and Itchy On The Inside.
Im really out of sorts, definitely balls 1, 3 and 4... mostly 3 if Im honest.......
Im so frustrated, I feel itchy on the inside, as if I have an itch and cant work out where it is to scratch it. I know the reasons, but that doesnt help me find the resolutions.
I have an inability to say no.
I live in Spain, out with my son who is a junior international tennis player. Over time people have come and gone with their kids, theyve moved onto other academies or their kids have grown up and gone to uni or whatever... but periodically they want to come back here for a week or two to train, get some sunny days etc.
I have one particular 'friend' who always makes me feel that shes doing me a favour. When actually all she has done is manipulate me into doing what she wants.
We go to Rwanda on June 12 for two weeks then move onto Kenya for another two weeks (hence my frustration with jaaxy right now which adds to my feelings of ball no3) - so I have a fair bit of organisation to sort out, notwithstanding all the work I have here to do with SAC which is actually what I REALLY want to be doing.
My 'friend' texts me... 'we are thinking of coming out for 10 days so your Lucas gets to play with my Ollie..... ' - my Lucas doesnt like playing with her Ollie - hes 19, thinks he knows everything and makes derogatory comments to my son, on just about everything.
The dates shes coming means I have almost no time at all from next week until we leave for Rwanda. So I lied.... 😢 I can't say no, because knowing her she would come up with some way of making it all work for her anyway. For her to come stay in my area of Spain in June for 2 weeks we are talking about $3000 just for accomodation. Its high season.
And especially booking it this late.
Would I come get them from the airport??? Oh great, a 2 hour round trip for me and no offer to pay for the fuel
It also would means my boy gets kicked out of his room, so we can accomodate her and her son.
But I lied....
I said my mother was coming. I just couldnt say no. God help me when she gets here and my mother isnt here.
As it is I can see that I am going to be ferrying her around, shes already told me that she isnt getting a car for her stay. The supermarket is quite a distance and shopping is not possible without a car.
I dont understand how I have become this person who cant say no... I am very forthright in my opinion of things, but I generally sort myself out and dont ask others for help. I am very determined as far as my son and his tennis is concerned and have had to have some very forthright meetings with his coaches in the past.
This 'friend' has made an artform of scrounging. She was very good at it when she lived out here, but as I didn't sit round the tennis club drinking, or joined in their mixed tennis mornings, I didnt notice so much until much later into our 'friendship'. I now see how it happened.
Ok rant over...
Im sorry I lied, but for self preservation and my son's sanity, I had to. But tonight I feel quite down and frustrated with how this week is panning out.
On a positive note, a month into SAC with a brand new website, and I have started seeing traffic !
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Saying no takes a lot of practice, especially when people who are really good at getting you to yes are on your case.
Often they know which buttons to push on you and, if you aren't strong enough yet to do full-blown confrontations, it does get really, really frustrating.
Some people just won't go away quietly. They do not know how to allow you the space to be civilized. They may even push you to being barbarous.
(When they do push you over the limit, go with it. Growl at them if you like. You'll feel really guilty but very relieved. Been there. Done that. The relief more than counterbalances the guilt.)
The good part about it all is that the pushy sorts give you more chances to practice saying no and help you build your "not-even-going-there" muscle.
Keep on practicing, Helen.
I think you're doing great!
Thanks so much for your support... You are right, I would not dream of messaging someone and say that I am coming to stay with them. Not even a ' is it convenient for us to come' sort of question. I wouldn't even ask and it makes me angry to be put in that position. I will do my best at practising saying no.... but it does make me feel mean. 😔
It's funny how even if you're a continent away, so many things bring us close to each other.
For the past 3 weeks, I've been "taking care" of what everybody else has as their priority - they all think that since I'm self-employed, I've got all this "free time" on my hands...
To the point you're making Helen, I've decided to add a new word in my vocabulary: NO.
I've restarted to use a written agenda and I've pre-booked my time 2 weeks in advance and if someone asks me for a "favour" and I'm booked, well NO comes out of my mouth.
I guess I'm like many here: not necessarily focusing on what is good for me at the time and that's taking its toll on what I need to be doing.
I think that we've got many peoples who are in the same boat as us and the good thing is that if we listen to what is generally being said, we'll come out a winner... but we've got to listen to what we need first!
Cheers from Canada,
Marc
Great to know that this happens in Canada too... I think its the way that Im made to feel that what Im doing is not as important as what she wants to do, so therefore I can stop it and help her.
Im not going to do it anymore. But saying no will hurt me, I think for a while, but in time I can get used to it.
Thankyou for your support... 😁
I think we have all been there, which doesn’t really help but I will say it anyways. I have great difficulty saying NO also but when pushed I will. I have friends like yours and it hurts but you have to look after number one - simple. Your boy and his career come first (after you anyway) and that’s it. If anything interferes with this it has to go. But I must say this is so easily said and so difficult to do (for most of us!).
Good Morning Helen,
You are straight forward right? I would make a written list with all the whys you cannot have this friend staying with you, a list with really everything on it.
When you see her give her the list, you will probably lose this "friend" but by your story, I understand that is not a big loss.
NO is a great 2 letter word and we have a right to use it now and then.
Greetings from the south of Spain, Taetske
Helen, I understand your situation. Some people are impossible manipulators. I also had one that kept working her way into my life. It is very difficult to maneuver around her. I finally just stop answering her phone calls. That did not work she showed up at the door. At that point, I was just cornered with nowhere to go, So I just said no. And came out and told her I had my life crisis to deal with. She was very mad. But like you, I have a 15-year-old son, who started college last year and needs a lot of attention. And my WA responsibilities. I think the part that hurts the most about these individuals is they know, we can not handle their life problem, and they still keep expecting more and more from us, They are selfish people and we can't let them bring us down. As difficult as they are to deal with we must not let them impose then needs on us. You taking care of a gifted son. Find your joy in him.
you have to do what you have to do!
but sometimes it's better to get to the roots and eradicate the problem forever! other than just trim some branches as they will regrow stronger, so you get even a more frustrating time ahead!
anyway, good luck and hope all work out for you!
ciao
I know how you feel. I have experienced similar people. It was dragging me down so badly and I didn't know how to get out of it. It was like a living nightmare. It was with a co-worker and I knew it would make a huge scene at work if I ever stood up to her. She had serious health and mental issues at the time and it was an impossible situation. She blamed me for everything but considered us good friends.
I am glad you are not going to have to deal with her. Either she drifts away or you will have to tell her No at some point. For now you have done well to fix the situation. There is no way you should have to deal with a person like that when you need to be ready for an international trip for your son!
Congratulations on your new website and traffic!!!
Jessica
When you start focusing on positive things like the super affiliate challenge or anything else you like and want, the negative people and things will start to fade away.
I was at the same place three years ago. Then, I joined in WA, started reading some great books, and learned new things. I had decided to change everything.
Fast forward to today, everything is different. I have new friends, a new amazing girlfriend, and do things I enjoy every single day.
I do not waste time anymore on anything negative.
Thankyou for your support.... I can be so firm with most things, but with this it has floored me. I will not let SAC slip through my fingers, it is too important.
Hey it's ok not to be perfect. You have your priorities. The clue is in the name. Prioritize.Congratulations on making headway with the traffic and SAC. As for the rest you don't have to deal with it now.
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The ability to say “no!” comes with age and experience, trust me on this one. 😉
Im not that young, believe me !