So as I sit here on this cold Sunday morning, eating brunch and having a coffee, I am finding gratitude for these simple things and wondering about which direction to move forward in.
Last night I felt the most homesick as I have ever felt in all of the 14 years I have lived in a different country. And believe me, I have felt homesick before! But I never actually felt nausea like I did last night... I had trouble sleeping, it was so cold (depths of winter down here in New Zealand) and I still had the visual echoes of the previous nights dreams running through my head (more on that later).
My goal of this Wealthy Affiliate venture is to be able to find an area within which I can deliver enough quality content to drive $10k per month revenue. I'm not greedy, but I am ambitious and I am trying to rediscover that ambition as I recover from several years of oppression and inability to find opportunity or success simply due to the hostile nature of the country I feel I have been trapped in for at least the past 7 years.
That's right, for half the time I have been an ex-pat I have felt more like a prisoner; battling depression, anxious about my future despite having completed a highly technical university degree, struggling to make ends meet and yearning to return to my home country. Yet I still remain determined, curious and resolute about my future, holding onto the only hope I have left, looking for the courage and strength I need in this bewildered and disoriented state of mind in order to achieve what I desire. It is not easy, and with zero support network around me you may think that is even impossible. I would be inclined to agree.
Strength comes from within and whatever lies that are present around you, masking the truth that you once knew, are simply manifestations of an illusion that this collective hallucination we call reality enshrouds us with, and however high or wide that wall of lies is, the inner strength that we all have can and will destroy it.
P.S. About these vivid and often-obscure dreams I have been having recently; I am just coming out of a long period where I have not dreamt, or if I did I never remembered them, not even in those brief few minutes of when first waking up. I read a short while ago about de-calcifying the pineal gland, commonly referred to as the Third Eye. I'm not terribly spiritual or religious (although I did try Christianity many years ago as a method to meet people having just moved to a new town), however there are certain aspects of the human psyche that I find fascinating and wish to learn more about. So in reading about not remembering my dreams, one of the suggestions was to de-calicify the Third Eye, which gets that way from using fluoride toothpaste (totally not required in adults) and drinking treated mains water, amongst other factors. I switched to a non-fluoride toothpaste and started filtering my tap water, and almost 2 months later I am back to having these crazy dreams. Now there may well be other factors at play, and with my current state of mind I don't doubt that there are, however I just felt this was a significant thing to have happen as a result of 2 simple changes I made, and that alone is worth sharing.