Promise you won't feel sorry for me!
I am writing this blog to get a few things off my chest. It is not a pity party ok? I just want to write it so it's not in my head distracting me from my work. I appreciate that this community has made me feel I can share.
First, I want you to know that I am content with the progress of my grief and I manage most of the time to keep a smile on my face. Second, if you comment, by all means show respect and compassion but please simply edify my strength and courage. I believe that is what is best for me right now.
My son passed away last year. He had suffered random no warning seizures for about 6 years. After struggling with life in general because it wasn't working out so well for him he finally came across an amazing Christian group called The Rock and their charity organisation called Christ Mission Possible. They were amazing and God guided him through some truly difficult breakthroughs.
Douglas was named after my late father who was taken from us in an accident before I had children. He loved Star Wars, Final Fantasy, Doctor Who, Black Books, Jimeoen, Monty Python - you get the idea. We had a Doctor Who themed 21st party for him and his sister and I made him a giant frame with photos of all 12 doctors labeled with their names and numbers. Of course the 12th doctor was Douglas dressed like David Tennant with a toy sonic screwdriver - recognise him? We also made a TARDIS cake that, by the time it had travelled through time and space to get to the venue looked like it was about to take off again. Talk about timey, wimey, wibbly, wobbly!
He never really took to the piano growing up like I did. My mother taught me and I showed my kids some things but they were not that interested. Later though, he wanted to learn songs that he listened to on his iPod Touch. So I would work out and teach him the piano parts. He also taught himself guitar with the help of his dad and a couple of his friends. Not to mention the few things his mature age Master of Creative Music Therapy graduate mother managed to teach him only to discover his superiority in these skills. He even took up beat boxing with a harmonica.
One of the things he loved to do was pick an old song like "It's a Beautiful World" by Louis Armstrong and mimic everything about it. He clearly got this talent from his dad. He had many favourite songs and artists. One of his last favourites, in fact he recorded himself mimicking him only days before he passed away, was Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's Over the Rainbow. He even taught himself ukelele to top it off. I have some precious recordings he did on his phone during his last couple of weeks.
What I am most proud of is that he had wanted to write novels, even got into uni to learn more about writing, but when he met the community at The Rock and started to volunteer with Christ Mission Possible he discovered that he wanted to help people and started a correspondence course to become a pastor. He told me in a text when he was broke and didn't have much food that he trusted God - "with all my heart" he said.
I have tears welling in my eyes and trickling down my face as I write this part. Together with a smile in my heart. Smiling through tears is what I have been doing for him this past 17 months. I remember when my children cried I would cuddle them then make them laugh by saying "you're making me all wet!" So when I start to cry I hear him say that to me to make me smile.
In 2011 he made a beautiful connection with his sister's new baby and became Uncle Douglas. They were very close. In 2013 came a little nephew who took advantage of his Uncle's finger for teething and only had 4 months of his life with Douglas in it.
The Superman party was the last time we were all together. See that face? He loved to imitate Jim Carey and Jack Sparrow among other characters in addition to his phase of dressing like David Tennant's version of Dr Who. He actually had the same colour converse shoes David wore on the show just because he liked them. He bought a Red pair for his favourite person and we called it conversing with Douglas.
Earlier in 2013 two more little boys came into our lives - two more nephews to spoil. The Superman party was for the youngest boy who was two. Douglas took the kids outside after the party and showed them what happens if you let go of your helium filled balloon. They loved watching the balloon float off into the sky so much they came back and took all the balloons one by one and let them go.
So now, whenever a birthday comes around for the children, The party balloons plus special purple balloons for Douglas get released at the end of the party. We ask the kids who gets the balloons when they go up into the sky and they shout "Douglas!"
My son was living alone with his future all worked out and doing really well with his studies and one of those random seizures just decided to take over. Because his life was different every day, and the people he saw weekly knew he might not turn up if he was studying or visiting home or unwell, nobody knew anything was wrong. He was in church on Sunday morning and evening, socialised in someone's home that night, and Monday night was on facebook chatting to a friend and then nothing.
2am Saturday morning my daughter answered the knocking on her door. My partner and I had moved to another suburb not too far away just last Sunday. It was the police with the horrifying news that she would never see her brother again. It fell on her to call me and her father who was out of reach till later that day.
Every moment is precious. Mind your words, your thoughts and your emotions. You never know if you will ever see each other again. Be grateful for everyone in your life - even the ones who annoy you or drive you crazy. Every person you come in contact with has a gift for you. It may be a beautiful gift or a hard lesson. Just remember there is a reason. Look for the gift!
I believe Douglas finally found many of the gifts in his life just before he was taken from us. I also believe that, whenever his next moment is, he will have access to the answers he searched for all of his short life. He had just turned 23.
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I was just telling my mother about your post Cherie.I lost my brother when I was only 11,he was killed off a motorcycle,mum just said there is no pain that is worse than losing a child.I don,t have to say any more to you to remind you off this,thank you for sharing your story is truly is very sad and yet inspirational,he just looked like a fine fellow.May God uphold you in his strength and help you through those darkest days.Mark..........
Thanks for your kind words Mark. You have an amazing mother! She has given you a wonderful gift through her pain
I know it must be hard everyday to accept the loss you have endured but you have endured it and proven yourself to be one very strong woman. I can only imagine the smile on Douglass' face looking down on you seeing how strong you are and knowing you will always go far. I am Honored to have met a woman of your strength and caliber. Thanks for sharing this with all of us here at WA.
I will be honest - words are hard to form - but my first thought after reading is "you are an amazing woman!" Strong in mind body and spirit. As a mother myself, my heart aches for you.
Yes, the good and the bad in our lives bring us something we needed. As you said, sometimes a gift and sometimes a hard lesson.
I can feel the love you have for all of your family. You have been blessed with some awesome memories! :)
Hi Cherie, this is a quite unexpected homage from you to your son, and very courages to put it down in words and share it with our community. Your love for him spatters of the page. Have you ever thought to write a biography for Douglas, you are gifted in finding the right words. Loes
Thank you Loes, I may do that someday - it would be the perfect tribute given that he wanted to be a writer. He actually wanted to write his Poppy's story.
Hope you find the courage and time to make his dream come to life:)
Just an Idea, can you start a website? and write chapter after chapter, as a blog?
Might do that too - good idea. After I finish the ones I am working on, get my businesses running by themselves and have a little time to dedicate to another site :)
I can't imagine loosing a son of daughter. I'm sure it has been a rough road for you. You seem to have a lot of great memories of Douglas and those great times will help you through these sad days. Keep those memories close to you and your sorrow will slowly diminish. It will never go away but it will eventually stop hurting so much. Just remember your friends and family are there to give support.
Wishing you the best and praying your days will become easier.
Larry
Thanks Larry,
I am at peace with his not suffering anymore. I miss him terribly and wish there had been another way. My strength comes from knowing that he was in the best place emotionally and spiritually ever and he never has to go through another seizure! -Cherie
Love is something so strong, so undeniable, when it's gone we are "crushed", especially between a parent & child. The only thing that helps mend a broken heart of course is time, and sometimes a long time.
I'm the youngest of 5 children with 2 sisters and 2 brothers; my brothers both passed away at the age of 42 (I was so happy when I hit 43! - 60 now). I remember receiving telephone calls with the news in the early morning hours, and later having to go to my parents and tell them, on two separate occasions, their son was gone - heart wrenching!
One was a massive heat attack, the other a suicide.
It was not fun - very painful. It took me years to talk about the suicide, but eventually could. It felt better to let some of that out.
Your son will be with you forever where it really matters, in your heart - he is a part of you until the end of time, and his influence can be well seen. He has touched many and will always be remembered.
YOU ARE SO RIGHT!
"Every moment is precious. Mind your words, your thoughts and your emotions. You never know if you will ever see each other again. Be grateful for everyone in your life - even the ones who annoy you or drive you crazy. Every person you come in contact with has a gift for you. It may be a beautiful gift or a hard lesson. Just remember there is a reason. Look for the gift!"
Thank you for sharing - this was "big"!
Thank you for your kind words Joanne.
It was big but it was time.
I appreciate the caring community he Really! - Cherie
What a wonderful tribute to your son, Cherie. I know sharing it will help you in your grief. Thank you for introducing us to him. All the best to you.
Cheryl
Thank you Cheryl,
I think Douglas would have loved this community and the opportunity to write his thoughts and stories. I'm certainly glad to have found you all! -Cherie
Hi Cherie,
Your son was definitely a gifted person. This is evidenced by the great memories you have of his life and the people he touched while he was here. He lived a special life and gave to others the same, something special...
As hard as it is to understand, sometimes loved ones leave us before we think it is time. It goes to show you how little we know, I put my trust and faith in God, as your son did. Still, it is not easy...
It is fitting that you have things in place through the balloons and his music recordings etc. so he can continue to influence people. This is important, and without a loving Mother as you, this likely would not be possible...
I had a sister-in-law who passed away from lymphoma cancer, also too young, she just had my niece two years before, and was one of the most wonderful persons in the world. She sang, was an active member of the church, was approachable and learned, and she gave...So much...
It was hard to say goodbye to her, and as I write this, emotions still well up in me. I do know that both your Son and my sister-in-law have a place in heaven where they wait for us... I am sure of this...
As much as it is painful now, over time it will get better for you. By this I do not mean you forget them. It is just that it gets easier to put into perspective the loss, and the focus switches from the pain of losing your son to the positive things he contributed - as is the case with my sister-in-law...
My advice: Hang in there, grieve as you must now, continue to focus on the good times you had together, and help pay it forward to others as you are doing now...
Thanks for sharing this extremely touching story with us all here. We are all the better for having read this, and what you say is so true: Our days left here are unknown...Make the most of each day like it was your last. How differently would we act as we go through our daily routine, and how might we change that routine...
Hopefully you are not sleeping by now, sorry to have been so long-winded....Big hug sent your way from me!
Dave
Thank you Dave. I have progressed in my grief to the point I am able to share this here. This is why I asked for edification of my strength and courage. Thanks for doing that here. When I wrote it and added the pictures they all lined up and only took up a small space between the paragraphs. Now that I have published they went back to the original size so it looks like all picture. Oh well...
So much love in this! I can't add any more to what you've said...
Thank you for sharing this experience!
Thanks Gary,
This is the first time I have just written about it. There are a lot of reasons why I am meant to be here at WA and I believe this is one of them. I used to write all the time. Maybe I can find and share some of that here too. Loving this new thing called blogging!
-Cherie
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Douglas knew WITH ALL HIS HEART THAT GOD IS IN CONTROL OF THINGS "NO MATTER WHAT" Douglas had put God first in his life and allowed everything else follow. Cherie I honestly believe that God needed Douglas for something more important than any of us can understand right now. Just remember Cherie that "we are all dieing from the moment we are born,and even though the. Vessel isn't there, doesn't mean it doesn't float." Cherie what I mean. By that is "even though Douglas is not standing next to you doesn't mean that he's not there with you . Believe me he is for sure there with you if he was a born again Christian . Just close your eyes and remember what his laugh sounds like listen to it and know he is with you because that is his spirit that does live. It lives in you and his Sisters his Dad and all his friends too . I admire your courageous voice to speak out amongst friends who really are here for you , I will look for the good in all people even if they annoy me. Take care and God Bless you. A friend indeed Kerry
Thanks Kerry. He is always with me! :)