The best-laid plans of mice and men oft go astray
It happens in business relationships and it happens in personal relationships and it can result in partnerships falling apart. The ultimate tradgedy is loosing a friend.
Often it starts with a simple missunderstanding. There are two ways we can give support to others. One is by providing information. The other is by being empathetic. One is offering advice and the other is simply being understanding. Pychologists tell us that men usually prefer giving advice while women want emotional support.
"Don't tell me what to do. Just let me talk about my problem."
Most often here at WA we offer advice. We are telling people how to solve a problem. Don't assume the other person wants advice when all they need is someone to talk to. If you assume someone wants advice when all they want is understanding, your advice will just make them feel worse.
Listen...
Don't be to quick to offer advice. Ask how you can help. You may get the answer, "I don't know, but having someone to talk to has helped." Now you know that all that was needed was someone to talk to. You can ask questions that can help the other person find a solution. "Do you think..." Is often a better way to offer advice than telling someone what to do.
When I was working for a boss, I needed to know what the boss wanted me to accomplish. I never wanted to be told step by step what to do. When my boss took the position that I was to do only what I was told to do and never take any initiative on my own, we never had a good working relationship.
Don't asssume you wife wants advice when all she wants is understanding. Advice will only make her feel worse. Often arguments arise from that simple misunderstanding. When in doubt, give emotional support first. Emotional support may be all that is needed to resolve a problem.
If a person expresses a problem and asks for a solution providing them informational advice is fine. Providing information is what we do. But often a better approach might be to tell a story about how you faced a similar problem and how you resolved it. Ask how you can help.
In the words of the Dali Lama, "Help where you can, but where you cannot help, be very careful not to hurt." To often, well meaning advice, when all a person wants is understaning, can make a person feel worse. It can even make them angry.
Based on an article in Pychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-cycles-fear-cyc...
Recent Comments
14
True words of wisdom. Yet, I was recently criticized for being too empathic to members to increase my ranking. I do not know the algorithm that creates's our ranking within, WA. But I will continue to be empathic whenever I deem it necessary. I was a Nurse Practitioner for most of my career life, and it comes naturally. I loved your blog.
your friend Sandy
I'm a Scot Bill and the actual words of your title by our national poet Rabbie Burns should be -
The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men, Gang aft agley, An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain, for promis'd joy!
Apart from that wee mistake I do agree with the content of your blog.
Being an Ambassador for WA I get countless questions asked of me every week.
I can't reply to them all so I publish blogs instead to reach that wider audience.
On the other hand the PMs I usually get are asking for specific advice which if I can will glady give it.
You would be surprised at the rude and sometime downright abusive replies I get.
Sometimes its best to keep your own council which I find hard because I like to help people.
Oh Well, Onwards and Upwards and tomorrow is another day as someone once said.
Enjoy your Sunday.
Robert
I wonder what kind of sick person must be rude to you, especially when you are so kind to share your knowledge with us. All the best:)
Nemira Dear Lady, I have grown a thick skin since I have been here and its water on a ducks back as far as I'm concerned.
One thing I do is unfollow them as soon as I get those type of replies.
Thank you for your kind words and have a great Sunday.
I will be signing off soon as its been a long one.
Take care.
Robert
You are right. That was my Grandmother’s favorite quote. I translated it for the English audience. A Google suggestion.
No probs, My old Grannie was a great one for reciting Burns and she would have given me a thick ear if I hadn't corrected you lol.
Now I'm off for the night as its been a long one.
Robert
Hi Tim
No, the Isle of Man is not Scottish, we have our own native Gaelic in Scotland.
Have a great Monday.
Robert
Our Gaelic is taught in schools from a very early age.
This ensures that this ancient language doesn't die out.
A lot of Scots up in our Highlands and the islands (Hebrides, Orkneys and Shetlands) speak nothing else than Gaelic.
We also have TV programs in Gaelic.
Hope you're having a good one.
Robert
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I have a "friend" who is always offering advice that I have never asked for. It is most annoying...makes me react very defensively, although I am trying to change my reaction. .
Debbie
Debbie Dear Lady there are a lot of members (especially the newer ones) who reply to everything and give advice that isn't called for, and its usually useless as well.
They know being seen as 'helpful' does their rank good.
On the other hand if someone is giving you a hard time then report them and they will be warned about their behaviour.
Then again maybe you mean someone you know who isn't a member.
Same advice goes though. Tell them yourself in no uncertain terms to back off.
Hope your day has been going well so far.
Robert
Yes it is a non-member...and a conversation I need to have sooner rather than later. Thanks.
No probs Debbie and you tell them straight that you don't want or need any advice from them.
I'm off for the night.
Bye for now.
Robert