Intent vs impact communication, do you really hear me?
One thing I am learning as I am doing this blog is the importance of how I communicate. Am I choosing to be vulnerable? Am I using language that speaks to others? Is my intent vs the impact of my communication being heard?
It is becoming more and more clear that the words we speak is not always the words that are heard. Whew!
LAYERS OF COMMUNICATION
Which drove me to seeing all the layers of communication. When we speak, we are just uttering words that somehow string together to make some sort of thought. And how often do we, in complete innocence say things that we think sound loving, but are perceived as not?
So these are some layers I see:
- our choice of words
- our tone
- our needs
- our perception
- understanding who we are sharing the words with
- the art of compassionate speak
- vulnerability
- our own ego
- ulterior motive
- connection
- the pushing of the buttons of our own defensiveness
- courage of self
- honesty
- integrity
- intention
- emotion
- understanding we all have our own language
- responsibility for choice of words
- body language
And the list could just keep growing. Communication is so much more that words!
I know there are so many times I think I have chosen words that are loving, only to be hit by the receiver as, did you really say that? Those are the moments I am flabbergasted that my true intent was not seen.
But perhaps I am not being completely honest with myself. Did I have some sort of hidden agenda? Or was it that the other person was made to feel defensive in some way?
Or worse yet, something which is totally not in my control, but makes the other lash out ?
I think this whole business of speaking is so complicated, do you agree? I mean, how many people truly speak our own inner specific to us language?
INTENT and EXPECTATIONS OF COMMUNICATION
So right here, I have to be extremely clear. Or at least try, grin. Arggh, full disclosure and honesty. Oh, and that pesky thing called transparency.
I do have expectations when I am talking. I want to know that we are connecting. I want to know that we hear each other. I want you to react and then interact. I want a response. I want that warm and fuzzy, we are on the same wave length verbal hug. ( I know, I am such a girl! But ultimately it isn't about gender, it's about being human!)
But oh yeah, I want a grown up response. I want it to be kind and compassionate.
But how often am I that to others? And how often do we choose to be really thoughtful in our language?
Do we ever see how incredibly complicated having a conversation is?
I mean, look at it this way. When we hold space to have a conversation, I want your attention. I want you to connect with me. I am okay if you are not completely comfortable with the topic.
But then I want you to say, this is what I heard. Did you mean that? Or I disagree, and this is how I see it. Or yes, I am really uncomfortable. So then I have to be willing to check in and ask if this conversation is really necessary at this time.
So my expectations are high. Is that fair?
Yet every moment of every day we have the capacity to interact. How are we choosing to be in that interaction?
Drum roll please! On the other hand, Isn't there something truly magical when conversations make our heart soar?
To me that is an aphrodisiac. An orgasm of the heart connecting. I am so happy when that kind of heart- centric interaction happens. It feeds me! I feel loved, appreciated and heard. I want it to never stop. I am willing to move my couch into that space!
OUR OWN LANGUAGE
And that takes us to this space, right here. I fully understand that my language is not your language. I get that no one speaks exactly to our own inner language. Only we have our own lexicon. But are we willing to build a bridge to going that extra mile and hearing truly what is being said from the heart?
I get that my language might not make sense to you. But I truly want to comprehend what you are sharing with me. So are we willing to make an investment into listening to each other? Are we wanting to take our courage to another level
If the answer is yes, please try this.
EXERCISE
Ttry this one on for size. Today speak to two different people.
Pick a topic that is heart- centric. Like ummm, something important to you. Your family, your sense of competence. Your vision of your life. Being authentic is what matters here.
Tell them you are needing to know if your language is getting through to them. Then ask what their perception is of the conversation, after having the conversation.
After you have spoken, truly listen. Be aware of buttons that are being pushed, or preconceived notions, or defensiveness, or the absolute joy of being heard. Feel if connection happened, and how that feels.
Take note of how you think you did in the communication.
Was there something you could have done better?
Did you really shine your heart?
Did you have the chance to make that other person feel good or better about themselves?
Was your choice of words responsive and responsible?
Thank them for trying this experiment with you.
What did you learn from this?
I know! I hear you!
CONCLUSION
In all reality, it is totally amazing that we even try to communicate, isn't it? Because how do we ever know for sure what is being heard, vs what is being said?
And isn't it up to each of us to know that every time we utter a word we are responsible for it?
Argh, now that is truly a grown up notion. But then again, there is perception. Our perception can alter our understanding. So that also needs to be made clear.
I do so believe in intentional language and communication. I appreciate all the young parents who are giving their offspring the chance to use language that is clarified and focused. I don't think as a child many of us were given the opportunity to try out specificity and intentional compassion of our words. Just imagine if everyone tried!
I want a world were we can choose to accept that language is difficult. But our heart connections are not!
Join me in a language revolution. We are speaking in love, caring and transparency.
And we rise as we do!
Let me know how the exercise goes for you! Comment below. I will respond. I am so happy to interact with you.
In peace and gratitude,
Recent Comments
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Hi! Ariel,
I love your post, I mean it because the contents with many nuances of effective interaction have reminded and taught me so much to hurdle along the tough road of daily communication, which has been my lifelong struggle.
So, I totally agreed to what you unveiled and await more to come.
Best to success,
James
Thank you James! I so appreciate your kind words. It is quite a journey of understanding and compassion, isn't it? Wishing you great success always. ariel
Ariel, It first starts with believing in yourself. Personally, I see a great writer within. One that is perhaps dealing with a little Social Anxiety.
Did you know that we don't give ourselves the credit we deserve. I for one struggles with that as well. I write a lot too, but never got up the nerves to go forward with it.
I want so much to publish several EBooks. I can't go forward with it because I don't feel like no one will read them.
Anyway, this is about you! I was just letting you know that you are not alone, and that it's okay, I hear you!
Life is pressure! Live the life you love!
Louisa B
I do hope your will believe in yourself so wholeheartedly that nothing will stop you from publishing.
Something that I learned as an artist, is that I do the work for myself, because i am driven to do it. If no one ever looks at one of my pieces, it no longer matters. I did what my heart needed me to do.
Being authentic and heart driven takes us out of the box of fear and into the space of oh yes I can!
So lol, lets just do those ebooks!
enjoy this journey. its magnificient!
let me know when you publish your first ebook..OK?
Ariel
I love the language of the heart.
I love communicating in the language of the heart.
Your blog is as excellent example of that kind of language.
Your blog offers a template to "test" our communication -- both what we say, how we hear, and what happens within us as we listen deeper. I appreciate your taking the time and making the effort to explore the dynamics of meaningful communication.
This is a great blog.
PLUS - you invited me to take action, which I am starting to do in just a few minutes...with the next person I see. Oh, I hope I can get over being overly-sensitive....:)
Bob
You are an absolute stitch! I hear you..we are all way too overly sensitive at times...And so many thanks Bob for your amazing comments.
I just need to say your comments are well heard, received and appreciated.
So here is to the true language of the heart. May we always see the heart light shining brighter and brighter.
Many thanks sweet Bob!
Love your post. It's something I battle with every day. Here is my question for you, what do you do with those that don't want to hear you, those who don't really listen to what you are saying, who are only out to take your words out of context and turn them on you. We all know that the internet is full of trolls and keyboard warriors. How do you deal with them? I would love to get your insight on this.
Great question! And one that takes me to courage. I usually just thank them. And then move on. I don't want to take on that negativity.
Ultimately it has nothing to do with us. It is about their perception and their low self esteem.
Or as Michelle Obama so famously said, when they go low, we go high!
And that is exactly what it comes down too, yes?
So don't engage. Just smile and in your head bless them.and walk away.
Does that work for you?
Great, thought provoking post and topic, Ariel. As word merchants it is SO important we think more on these lines.
While I do your experiment in various ways several times a day, I can't do it justice. Most of my experimentation is here on WA and on my site, where I can only test the typed language, not the one that comes with the critical extra dimensions of inflection, facial expression and body language.
I'll give an example- In your reply to Anita you start "Really? ..." which can be taken in different ways. Since we've interacted and I've an image of who you are, Ariel, I see that interjection delivered with a smile and inflection showing pleasant surprise, humility, and asking for confirmation of the positive input, as you so value it.
If I didn't know you, I would envision a snarky smirk, dropping inflection and crossed arms in a clear indication of sarcastic, cynical challenge to the statements as "I'm not buying it..." even though the word and punctuation are the same.
Words are just labels for stereotypes we share. Paradigms for the things, actions or concepts that we more or less believe. Words do a great job with concepts, but when it comes to trust, sincerity, sarcasm and respect they are not designed for that. The language of love, association and collaboration is way older than words, and as bloggers we are challenged to do our thing without the benefit of those sound and sight channels. Emojies can help, but only a bit.
When I encounter someone who suffers from self doubt or low self esteem, I genuinely want to help. I want to spot glimmers of the excellence and value that I know they have, and shine a light on that power. When I try to do that, even in-person, I'm at risk of having my support viewed as mocking sarcasm rather than loving truth. Depressed beliefs have a dark power that can be tough to challenge. Thank you for shining a bright light on the tools that we use and the limitations in those tools.
We need to have more awareness of the care required and the likely errors in communication as we do this tricky work...
Cheers,
Steve
Hello Steve! I am totally blown away and grateful for the thought you put into this reply. Many many thanks!
How very insightful you are!
I am mulling over the line you just used that words are just labels for stereotypes we share. That might be my next blog..lol..it is so fascinating!
Thank you for helping me to clarify even more awareness.I think the absolute gift of this 3D existence, and beyond, is how much we are willing to input!
Using heart- centric language gives us the ability to at least try to convey intentionality. But you are right, we do not get to see body language etc.
We do though get to be consistent in our arch of reach. Defining our intention, how others choose to hear it is also problematic as the filters for all of us are so very different.
So I can only send out blessings and loving thoughts. And that is how in my world I am hoping to pay it forward. In respect and compassionate thought.
For those that live in the dark, I can only wrap their hearts in bubbles of hope, so that slowly slivers of light will heal the wounds. As Rumi says, it is in the wounds that light appears.
Thank you my friend! I look forward to so many more chats with you! I am grateful we are sharing this journey! ariel
Oh that made me giggle! So many thanks! You are so beautiful as you are! thanks so much for being here!
Great post. You raise some very valuable points and. approach worth practicing. Thank you Ariel.
One of the most successful Sales Executives I worked with always asked for our clients to repeat their question. He would initially respond and say, I want to make sure I have it right. He would then say, this what I understand you are asking, is that correct? He always answered the question the client posed, not what he thought they were asking.
Great practice..and actually it is taught in psychology to make sure there is no misunderstanding.
Did it work for him?
thank you as always. hope you are having a sweet day?
It sure did. His Territory was #1 on a continued basis - the company grew. His motto was to deliver what the Customer wanted by listening, listening and then,only then communicating back the Companies understanding and a proposal outlining how our solution was of value to solving their communicated problems.
I love this! It is so well stated and really resonates in me! I will most certainly try this today. I am happy to let you know the rresults. In fact, I think I will try this every day. I believe that if I do, I will be a better communicator for having done it. No matter the topic of our websites, we all have a certain audience we are seeking to communicate with. We are trulty in the business of communication. The better we communicate with one another, our friends and family, the better we will communicate in our websites. Thank you so much for this blog post and for setting this challenge before us!!! I hope everyone will accept your challenge
Really? thank you so much for your encouragement and kind words. I am looking forward to hearing how you do. So wonderful if we all do it indeed! Wishing you joy! ariel
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Eye to eye contact right. Thanks for the post. Jay
Ah indeed.Like that ! Thank you. ariel